It was a typical Monday last week at work. I was slammed with meetings and like I normally do, I left my phone at my desk rather than taking it with me into conference rooms. It’s a pet peeve of mine when I’m in a meeting with other coworkers and they are on their phones not being present.
It was after my third meeting of the morning and it wasn’t even noon yet when I managed to get back to my desk briefly to check my phone when I saw I had several missed calls from family members. I knew what the missed calls were about. Seeing that all my family lives on the west coast, they are not calling me on a Monday morning to give me good news. I didn’t even need to listen to the voicemails that were left behind because I knew what had happened…my grandmother had passed away.
No one was shocked by the news, as she has been in hospice for the past two months. What did shock me was just how intense this year has been for me and everyone around me. It seems like the theme for this year has been loss, death, tragedy with one hit after another. Just when I think we are in the clear with bad news, something else happens. I suppose I can chalk all these sad events as “life” and get on with it. But, given all that my friends and family (myself included) have endured; it would be nice if something went positively for a little while.
Not every day is a bad day but the bad days are certainly out weighing the good ones. Since my last entry a month ago I have had some wonderful experiences with celebrating World Pride filled with many colors, visits to Boston to see my good friend, and several trips to the beach with friends. Those events alone should keep me going and strong and for the most part they do. It just seems that lately, all any of us are faced with these days is something devastating. I want desperately to change everything I can. I want relationships that are broken to be mended again, no more death and no more drama but what I’ve learned, this year particularly, is that our bodies, our minds and our souls can only do so much.
When I got the news of my grandmother passing that day at work. I didn’t even cry. Even after I got off the phone with my mother who was very upset. I felt it was my job to be the strong one and on this very day that I write this, I still have not cried. I know she is gone. She was a big part of my life but for some reason, my body is not allowing me to release any emotions. I’m sure it will happen at the most unconventional time but there’s nothing I can do to control that either.
For the rest of last week, my job was telling me to take a day off but I worked. I worked at my new job that I’ve only been at for less than three months and I know it’s not the right job for me. However, I made this choice and I need to suck it up for a bit till I find my next chapter. I did finally listen to my coworkers and took last Friday off.
Last Friday, I got up, cleaned the apartment. Burned some sage, went to the gym and afterwards I took myself out to lunch. Just me, my thoughts and after lunch I decided to go to church. On my walk to a church on 42nd Street, I had my music on and randomly the song by Cyndi Lauper, True Colors, came on.
It’s a song that does not appear on my phone whatsoever but there it was. I listened to the lyrics closely. I thought of my grandmother. She was a complicated woman, didn’t allow many people in her life and those that she did; she loved them but could also be very cruel to (including myself). What I remember the most about her was that she was a woman that had many colors to her.
When I was very young and my obsession with Wonder Woman began; she knew I was different than the other little boys. She let me play with my lasso, she would let me spin around and she even let me walk around in red boots. As I would move onto my teenage years, she was my biggest cheerleader with anything that I would try. She encouraged my dance classes, she knew that I was going to move to New York City at a very young age and she was behind every decision I made. She didn’t need to embrace me being gay given her old school ways but she embraced every single color that I brought to the table.
If only the world that we live in could embrace each of our colors that we bring. I know that it’s easier said than done to accept someone for who they are (the good and the bad) but that doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t try. Our true colors is what makes us. It’s what makes the world diverse and without acceptance than there will never be harmony. I encourage you all out there to try and accept everyone’s true colors.
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