"Update" NYC

Spring Cleaning

It’s been over a month since my last entry and since that last entry I’ve done some personal “spring cleaning.” What I mean by that phrase is that, like anyone else out there, we tend to get busy. We get busy with work, family, friends and our love lives. We get so busy at times that we forget to focus on the main person that matters the most…ourselves. It’s been one of the main reasons why I haven’t written because I got “busy” with other things that I forgot to focus on myself. And it wasn’t until this past month that I’ve been gone from writing that not only have I refocused my priorities but did some “spring cleaning” with some of the situations and people that weren’t working out in my life.

Let’s start with the Ex-Cop that I’ve been hanging out with since this past August. In my last entry, I was already teetering on whether or not I should continue to date him. Mainly because he was much older than I and had experienced certain things in life that I have yet to reach. While that reason was a major factor in my thought process there was another factor that came to play. It happened after a night of drinking with him and when we went back to my place. So, that night, we came back to my place and as we became intimate I discovered what the “curse of the Irish” meant. I thought it was one of those old wives tales (and I’m sure that it is). However, in this instance with this specific Irish man that I was with…the legend was accurate. I had never seen anything that small and so I did my best to be polite, act like I was too drunk and went to sleep. A few days later, we met to talk and I told him that I just don’t see a romantic future for us (I never mentioned anything about his “curse”). He understood and this conversation happened in mid-September. Since then, he has asked to see me for drinks, as a friend, but my schedule just hasn’t allowed but I see no reason in the future why we couldn’t. However, having that conversation led me to want to begin the process of cleaning house with whatever and whoever was not serving a real purpose in my life.

Next up was a former co-worker of mine. During our time of working together, he had always been boarding on the flirtatious side. In fact, back when Mr. D. was in my life, they didn’t get a long at all. My coworker and I had remained friends outside of the office. He and I had shared many experiences together. I’ve met his family, he has cuddled with me and he was there many times when Mr. D. wasn’t. He and I were certainly more than friends but I never pushed for it and always wanted to have him as a friend rather than anything else.

It was only a week after I let the Ex-Cop go, that I was meeting my former coworker for drinks at the bar, Industry. Over drinks, we were updating each other on our current jobs, family and our dating lives. It was right around the time of his third whiskey drink that I could tell he was starting to get drunk. I was starting to tell him what had happened with the Ex-Cop when he stopped me and said, “Just so you know…you and I are never going to have sex. Just want you to know that.” I looked at him with disgust and anger because while that topic was nowhere near what we were talking about at that time. I was also never the one that pursued him. He was the one that would send me videos of him playing guitar shirtless or wanting me to come to his apartment in Queens. As soon as those words left his mouth, I responded back with, “I think I should go home now.” He knew he had gone too far and that I was pissed. Some might say that I overreacted but given our history together and all those years of him playing with those hidden messages…I had hit my limit with men that play games. He asked to walk me home and I told him that I didn’t need anyone walking me home. That was the last time I saw him. Since then there has been no communication on my part. He has sent several text messages but little did he know that “spring cleaning” was well into play.

Which leads me to my latest dating adventure. Around the same time that I was hanging out with the Ex-Cop, I also got reacquainted with someone that I dated back in January of this year. He is a nice guy, tall, has a good job, lives a mere four blocks away from my apartment and when we are together we have a nice connection. We have been on several dates and each one tends to fall into the same pattern of one of us picking a restaurant, followed by going back to his place to make out and me going home (never staying the night). Now, the kisses are fantastic and yet every time I suggested that we go to the next level; he would shy away from the idea. In the beginning I thought to myself, “Am I slut?” which even I laughed at that question for, if anything…I’m a prude. Finally, after the sixth date, I asked him if there was something wrong. I should know by now that if you ask the question that you should be prepared for the answer.

I guess the first thing that was told to me was that he was still “technically” married to his husband. I also learned that the husband lives in Atlanta with their dogs but they are no longer together but haven’t gotten divorced yet for tax reasons. I guess we all stay married for different reasons. The second item on the confession list was that he asked me if I was a “chaser.” I didn’t understand what that meant nor had I heard that expression. I asked him to explain what he meant and he said, “Are you attracted to chubby men?” I told him that I hadn’t really thought about it but in regards to physical appearance the one thing that I, personally, am attracted to is height (this guy is 6’3). I asked him why he would ask me if I was attracted to chubby men because he was not chubby at all. Turns out…he was more than just “chubby” but he was recently obese. He confessed to me that he was almost going to die due to how much he weighed and went ahead with gastric bypass surgery late last year. Since he had gotten that surgery, his husband no longer found him attracted because the husband was a “chaser” and therefore the relationship faltered due to the fact that this guy altered his appearance.

By now, most people would’ve grabbed their bags and exited but I stayed and listened. I stayed and listened for it turned out he really needed someone to tell this all to. After the confession of his marital status, after the confession of having the surgery there was still one item on the list that puzzled me. Why didn’t he want to be intimate with me? Once again, I had no trouble asking that question and the result was that while he had the surgery, he hadn’t taken care of the excess skin from that surgery. He is self-conscious about being naked. The minute he told me that, I told him that I was the same way about my body. Maybe not to his degree of reasoning but I told him that everyone at times feels that way about themselves. I asked him if the thought about having the surgery for taking care of the skin and he did tell me that he is speaking with doctors about it. He asked if I was turned off or had any further questions for him and I told him that I think I asked enough questions and now I wanted to take some time to think about it.

This particular discussion happened in September. Since that discussion, he and I have been on several dates and he even scheduled his surgery for late December of this year. Have we been intimate? No. Am I wanting to? I would only want to do something that personal when both parties are ready. I can wait and it turns out that I will have a to wait a bit longer for he left for Australia for the entire month of November for work this past Friday. I told him that we can see where our lives are at when he returns but I also plan on being open to any possibility. He respected what I said and hoped that I will wait.

Turns out that once you get started on “spring cleaning” that it can be hard to stop. Sort of like once you start organizing your closet…it feels good to see the finished product. While the calendar month might say it’s November it certainly doesn’t mean that you can’t begin your own personal “spring cleaning” and focus on the most important person…yourself.

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