Say What You Need To Say
I never thought I’d be a person that would hear a John Mayer song and it be spot on with where I am in my life. Yesterday, I was riding on the Q train heading toward Soho when my iPod (yes, I still use an iPod) randomly played the song called, Say. My initial question to myself was, “When did I download this song?” and then I told myself to listen to the lyrics. And with that, so begins this week’s entry…
Two weeks ago, I found myself reconnected with a former boyfriend. Mr. B. and we had spent a wonderful Sunday afternoon reminiscing of the past, discussing our present lives and the future. By the end of that date, I thought to myself that I might have a summer romance on my hands. We had agreed to see each other this past Saturday to spend more time together and I was very much looking forward to it.
Last week, started off like so many with having the Monday work-blues and powering through it. About halfway through the work week, I decided to take this past Friday off because I had an inkling that it would be in my best interest to do so given my Thursday night plans.
On Thursday, while at work, I got a text message from Mr. B. saying that he officially resigned from his architecture firm and that he graciously accepted his new position in Washington D.C. He then said that he had several apartments that he had in mind to look at and wanted my opinion. When he told me that, I was suddenly blasted back to a few months ago with Mr. D. where I found myself roaming the streets of Boston helping him find his apartment. Granted, these men are polar opposites but the overall theme was rather similar. I responded back with wishing him the best of luck, that I’d be happy to give my opinion on his apartment selections and that on Saturday I would make sure that we had a fantastic time in the city.
After work that day, I met up with a couple of friends of mine down by the Bowery, for we were going to be seeing, Beth Ditto, in concert that night. When we sat down, we quickly ordered a bottle of rose and when the waiter offered us appetizers we all declined. After we finished the first bottle, we thought it would be a good idea to get another with no appetizers. We left that bar and walked over to the venue and when we got there, we had no idea that other friends of ours would be at the show. Before I knew it, a shot of tequila and a beer was placed in front of me. We all enjoyed the show immensely and after the show one of my friends had to leave because she had work the next day but my other friend and I decided it would be a good idea to mosey over to the Standard Hotel in the East Village. Along the route to the hotel, we found an abandoned piano where I began to play in my drunken state along with showing off my ballet moves. I couldn’t tell you what time it was nor where I was at but the pictures and videos that I got the next day proved that I had a good time. Once we got to the hotel bar, we knew the bartender and proceeded to get more shots, more beers, and drunker. Suffice to say, I was nervous by not knowing how I got home but thankfully I got home safely with all my belongings intact.
The next day, as you can imagine, I woke up with a pretty bad hangover but I pushed through. I ran errands, I even took a spin class to sweat out the toxins I had put in my body the night before. That evening, I was to attend a picnic but due to the nasty weather, it was canceled. I forced myself to go to bed early that night so that I could be rested and ready for Mr. B. the next day.
When I asked Mr. B. what he wanted to do earlier in the week for our date, he didn’t really have any plans so I asked him if he wanted to see a movie and afterward we can enjoy the weather and walk around the city. He loved that idea but also asked if I would stay the night with him. He lives way uptown, right before the Bronx begins and while I wasn’t sure about what “staying the night” meant, I agreed to it because I wanted to experience this summer romance of mine.
I met Mr. B. at the AMC theater on 42nd Street to see, Wonder Woman (my sixth time seeing it and his first). When we got to the theater, he told me he hadn’t seen a movie in a theater since we dated, which was five years ago. After the movie, I had purposely already packed an overnight bag so we didn’t need to go back to my place since we were heading downtown. I decided to take him to my friend’s restaurant that he manages, The Spotted Pig, since I knew I could get us a table and it would be nice to be downtown and somewhat close to the water, should we want to see the sunset.
We arrived at the restaurant and was greeted by my friend. We were also greeted with delicious drinks and snacks. As the afternoon wore on, my friend and his partner invited Mr. B. and me over to their apartment to their rooftop to watch the sunset. One Uber ride later, all four of us are on the rooftop, drinking rose and catching up. Somewhere around nine at night, it was time for us to catch a Metro North train at Grand Central to head uptown toward his apartment. Along the train ride, I was starving and so we ordered a pizza that we’d have to pick-up along the way.
When we arrived at his apartment, he had a stunning view of the Hudson River. We sat, ate our pizza, talked, listened to jazz and watched the boats pass by in the dark night sky. It was nice but there was something missing…my desire to be with him in any intimate way. I knew he wasn’t the type of guy to force himself on me to get his way and I had the opportunity to say what I needed to say. What I needed to say was that I shouldn’t be with you sexually because I feel that it would mean more to him than to me. He had already confessed earlier that day that even though he is moving in a few weeks that he is confused about his feelings for me. It was clear that we were not on the same page. He was hoping for more and I was thinking it was a summer romance that had an expiration date associated with it.
So, when we went to bed that night, I used the excuse of being tired and he cuddled me. The next morning when we woke up, he was looking at me in a way that told me he was having feelings for me again. I had already agreed to go with him to his favorite brunch place and so, at 9:30 in the morning on a Sunday I found myself on somewhat of a hike to this place called, The Indian Road Café. It was a cute spot and over brunch, we danced around the topic of our future. I told him that once he got settled that I would come and visit him because more than a boyfriend he would need a friend out there. He is moving for all the right reasons and I couldn’t be happier for him. I was presented, yet again, with an opportunity to say what I needed to say but I didn’t. Not because I was afraid of what I needed to say but because I didn’t want to hurt him. Especially since I knew we both had a nice time together but the reality is that he is moving and once he is there he should focus solely on his new chapter and not an old one.
After brunch, he walked me to the subway stop on 215th Street and we hugged for a long time. Later, he sent a text message thanking me for showing him such a good time. I told him that I would see him one more time before he moves and I meant that.
It’s never easy to say certain things when it comes to matters of the heart. Whether what needs to be said is a good outcome or not. Mainly because what is being said isn’t just affecting you but another person. When we take into consideration how our words and actions can change the other person more than you are concerned about your own well-being. That is when you know that you care more about the other person than you do for yourself. It’s our own way of showing compassion.
I leave this entry with a lyric from the song, Say, because it was this particular lyric that got me thinking about my words in the first place:
“Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open”
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