Lost and Found
I believe it’s safe to say that every single person in this world experiences that feeling of not certain of where you are in your life. This feeling tends to range anywhere from your love life to your career. It’s a feeling that can be frustrating and depressing. The unfortunate part is that no matter how much of a support system you may have the only person that can help you…is you. So, how do we go from being lost to found?
For the entire month of May, I ended up living with a roommate in my apartment that had little respect for me, my belongings and my home. Normally, I would’ve had zero qualms of asking a person to leave my home after that sort of behavior but seeing that I had managed to get myself into a sticky financial situation that required me to have a roommate; I felt that I had no choice but to keep him. Those that live-in New York City or have ever had to live with someone other than your partner or a family member can certainly relate to this frustration. It also leads to the feeling of being helpless which no one likes to be. I felt like there was nothing to do except to wait out the month before I informed the current roommate that our living situation wasn’t working out. However, it was the past four weeks like I needed to get through that was my challenge.
Fortunately, for me, I managed to keep myself rather busy in May that included things like spending time with friends, a wedding ceremony, attending an event with Sarah Jessica Parker and let’s not forget getting the privilege to see the movie, Wonder Woman, ahead of the world. The unfortunate part for me, was that by the time the month of May was coming to an end, I forget to tell my roommate that he wasn’t going to be staying with me once the month was over with. I felt guilty for not giving him two weeks-notice, therefore, it was looking as if I would be spending yet another month with him. I did my best to not let it get to me but it was starting to depress me more than I led on to those close to me.
I decided that at this point there was nothing else I could do and I was going to suck it up for the next four weeks and give him proper notice to move out. So, when I came back from my friends, Feather’s, country house on Memorial Weekend; I decided to try and have a positive week ahead. I already knew that my week entailed meeting a friend of mine for drinks last Wednesday and this past Saturday going to see, Wonder Woman, again with some of my friends. I was looking forward to experiencing that with my friends because it was all I could talk about for weeks. I even bought little tiaras and bracelets for us all to wear as a cute surprise and I was even going to dress up in costume. I had bought all the tickets weeks in advance because going to a movie in New York is such a production.
Last Wednesday, I was going to be having drinks with my friend. A couple of years ago we had dated and when we dated it was nice but at the time he was very dedicated to his job that left him very little time for a relationship. Then one night while we were dating, he was to come over to my apartment after he was done with work and he never showed up. He also never contacted me again. You might be asking, why on earth would I be seeing him after he treated me that way. I knew the reason why he left and it wasn’t work it was because of how he was starting to feel about me and he got scared. Not an excuse, I do know that but I know that I have certainly done that to someone in my youngers years. It was my way of saying that karma came and bit us both in the ass so let’s start with a clean slate…as friends.
So, back in March, when I started my new job, I was also redecorating my apartment and I ended up going into the store, CB2, which is near my office. As I was shopping, I heard my name and turned to see my ex from a couple of years ago, standing near the register. Turns out, he was a manager at the store. We made small talk for a little bit, I left the store and returned to the office. Moments later, I got a text from him saying how good it was to see me and how nice I looked. A few weeks later, he asked me for drinks and even said I could use his discount (I said yes to both). Over those drinks as we were catching up, he informed me that he has a daughter now that he shares with his friend in Virginia. I was happy for him and as he was showing me pictures of his daughter on his phone, I could tell that his daughter helped him find his way in life. While he can’t see her every day, he is certainly present in her life.
So, this past Wednesday, when I agreed to meet him for drinks, it had been a month or so since I last saw him. He kept organizing drinks and at the last minute would cancel due to work or one excuse over another. It didn’t bother me that he was constantly needing to cancel our plans because I knew that he had a lot on his plate and I know that I’m not the easiest person to schedule something with either. So, I knew he meant business when on last Wednesday he said that he wasn’t canceling and even was going to pick the place where we’d be having wine.
After work, I met him at a wine bar in Midtown and unfortunately, the place he picked out was filled with tourist and not my cup of tea. I suggested we go somewhere a little less crowded so that we could actually have a conversation. We stumbled on a wine bar on Ninth Avenue and ordered a bottle rose since it was a warm day in the city.
He began telling me about a Broadway show that he had just seen before meeting me and by our second glass of wine, he invited me over to his apartment this upcoming Sunday to watch the Tony’s. Now, I’m not a big Broadway/theatre person at all but I got the sense that he was nervous about asking me which I wasn’t sure why he was so nervous; I said yes to him but he couldn’t get mad at me if I asked “who is who” during the award show.
By our third glass, he told me that he wants to hit the “restart” button with regards to us. I asked him to explain what exactly he meant by “restart.” He told me that the reason he had been canceling all those times in the past weeks was because he was nervous about me. He apologized for how he just left a couple of years ago and asked me if I was open to “restarting” things with him. I told him that I was completely thrown off guard and that I was under the assumption that we were meeting as friends and that I needed some time to think about all of this. While it was flattering to be thought of that way, I wasn’t prepared at all for this sort of discussion. I told him that I’d still attend his Tony Award party and that seemed to put him at ease. Then he asked if he could kiss me. As he asked me this question our waiter passed by asking us if we’d like another glass and he said yes and the waiter told me that I should kiss him. We kissed and it was nice but I was still in my head swirling with all that he confessed. After our last glass, we hugged goodbye and he asked for one more kiss and I gave him my cheek. I got home and wasn’t sure what all had transpired and my feeling of being “lost” continued on.
The next day was the first of June and so I sent a friendly reminder to my roommate that rent was due and he could leave a check or Venmo me at his earliest convenience. Hours and hours later, I get a text message back from him that informed me that he moved out, moved to Buffalo and that he’s sorry to leave me in the dark. He thanked me for everything I had done and wished things were different but that the city wasn’t working for him. I wrote back, “best of luck.” Now, I needed to find a roommate and fast. I put out an ad on Craigslist, contacted my friends and it was back to the drawing board.
I couldn’t wait for Friday because our office was closing early which meant that I could shop for Saturday’s movie experience and there was only one store I could get what I was needing and it was in Queens. I got on the subway, went to the store and since I knew my friend lives in Queens, I decided to pay him a visit after my shopping experience. On my walk to my friend’s apartment, I heard my name being called out which sounded like it was coming from across the street I was on. I looked around and there was different ex-boyfriend except this ex was someone I used to live with. I couldn’t believe my eyes or ears and I walked over to him for he was in a bar that had its windows open which was why he yelled my name. We hugged, made small talk but thankfully I had the excuse of needing to get to my friend’s apartment so I left him after only a few minutes of awkward small talk. I spent the rest of my Friday at my friend’s apartment drinking whiskey, listening to records and feeling…lost.
On Saturday, I woke up so giddy because I just couldn’t wait to see the movie with my friends. I went to spin class in the morning then more shopping for odds and ends and got home to begin getting ready but before I started getting ready a few friends of mine contacted me a few hours before the movie saying they couldn’t make it. I became a little depressed, I knew it was silly to feel that way over a movie because I knew they wanted to be with me but forget other obligations they had. I put too much pressure on myself to make the experience a “wonder”ful one but I decided to leave my party favors behind, not get dressed up in costume and see the movie with my friends that were able to attend. In the end, I had a fun time seeing the movie again, my friends loved the movie and they were so thankful that I organized it all. Afterwards, we went to my friend’s apartment that lived close by and we ended up drinking for hours and talking about anything and everything. I had to leave at a descent time because I had candidates coming over to see the apartment the next day.
Yesterday, I woke up, did laundry, hit the gym and came home to see the first person of the day with hopes that one of these folks would make for a descent roommate. The first person to show up was so kind, thoughtful and we ended up talking for an hour before I even realized we hadn’t gone over the details about the apartment. After we went through the details, I just knew this was someone that I could live with and he felt the same. He said he wanted the room and gave me the money right then and there. I gave him a set of keys and he moves in a few weeks. The ironic part was that he has the same name as Mr. D. (I swear I cannot make these things up). However, overlooking the name alone, I got such a warm and positive vibe and hopefully I will not be experiencing any worse roommates for a long time. I spent the rest of the day doing something I love doing…reading. I finished my book and started to feel somewhat at peace.
As this week begins, I am determined to put that feeling of thinking I am “lost” and will work on how I can be “found.” It’s up to me and no one else and anyone else out there feeling this way…you will find yourself; we always do.
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