I Hate You, I Love You
Our emotions can force us to go from zero to sixty at a moments notice. One minute we are full of love and in the next second, we can go from love to hate. All it takes is one phone call, one conversation, one text message or one look and your entire world can either be uplifted or can come tumbling down.
It was exactly seventy one days ago when Mr. D. and I were sitting at a restaurant having dinner where he was, yet again, apologizing for the way he handled our California trip back in May. He begged and pleaded to have me back in his life and like every single time in the past, I allowed him back in. Also, during that dinner, I had mentioned that I had a wedding to attend and he asked if he could go with me. Mainly because he knew the people that were attending the wedding and said it would be fun. I had a plus one to this wedding and he would be my date.
In those seventy one days, Mr. D. and I had gotten closer than we ever had. There were some rather intense conversations and raw emotions that were shown from the both of us. I had managed to convince him to go seek therapy and he’s been going once a week and I also managed to help him find his new apartment in Boston.
Ever since he told me that our Boston office approached him for a job opportunity there, I’ve been mentally and emotionally preparing myself for our goodbye. I told myself that all I wanted was one last night to have a wonderful time together and then I would say goodbye forever. I figured that once he moves to Boston, he will start a new chapter and I will be able to do so as well. So, the evening that I wanted for us to have as our “last night” would be the wedding. I figured we would be surrounded by friends, food, dancing and love and what better way to have an ending to what has been the most temperamental relationship I’ve ever experienced than with this wedding.
Three weeks prior to the wedding, Mr. D. and I were at a bookstore and he purchased a book on how to heal your life through art. On the cover was a painting by a German romantic artist named, Caspar David Friedrich. The painting is entitled, Wanderer Above the Sea of Fog. After seeing that painting and realizing how similar this painting is to Mr. D’s life about a lost man, I thought it would make a great Christmas gift if I had a printed piece of the painting framed for his new apartment in Boston. I did some research and found the piece and had it framed and it arrived two weeks ago and my plan was to give it to him after the wedding. I knew he would love it and I couldn’t wait to see the expression on his face when he opened it.
It was last Wednesday morning and I sat down at my computer when I saw an email from Mr. D. and the subject line of the email read: “Hooky?” When I read the body of the email, he was asking me if I wanted to leave a couple hours early from work to play hooky and maybe go see a movie. I asked my coworker to cover my work and I told Mr. D. that playing hooky sounded like a lot of fun. To which he replied, “It will be decadent to have the movie theatre all to ourselves.” All day at work I was so in love with the idea that there is someone out there that knows my love of going to the movies and now he has planned a fun afternoon in the city.
We left work around three in the afternoon and headed over to the Kips Bay movie theatre where we would be seeing the movie, Manchester by the Sea. He bought the movie tickets and I got our usual snacks of his popcorn, my peanut M&M’s and the diet coke that we always share. At one point during the movie, he even fed me my candy; it was moments like that where I really did love this man. He is certainly flawed but we all are. After the movie, he had to go back to the office and I had errands to run. On the walk back to the office, I told him my game plan for the wedding that was taking place this past Saturday. I told him that I’d stop by his apartment first with my clothes and his gift; we would get ready, head back into the city for the wedding to then come back to his place to unwrap the gift and the next morning I would go home. He agreed and was on board with my plan. When I got home that night, I sent him a message that expressed how much fun I had playing hooky and how it was moments like that where it would be hard not to miss him when he moves.
A few days later on Friday, I had a holiday party at a friend’s apartment and I promised myself that I needed to leave by midnight for I didn’t want to be too hungover for the wedding the next day. Suffice to say, I didn’t get home until almost four in the morning! I knew I was going to hate myself the next day but it was nice to be around my amazing friends.
Saturday, the day of the wedding, I was on pins and needles for most of the day because there was something inside me that was telling me that Mr. D. could cancel or do something horrific to turn my plans into a total nightmare. To my surprise, he sent a text all excited about the wedding and when I’d be coming over. I told him I plan on being at his apartment by four thirty in order for us to quickly get ready and to be at the wedding venue by five thirty.
The weather outside was gross because the night prior had snowed, so the white snow was now black, the streets had puddles wherever you went and I had to not only carry my suit that I was going to wear for the wedding but also this huge painting. I got a cab and naturally, traffic was insane and I was running a little bit behind. When I finally arrived at Mr. D.’s apartment he was already half-dressed for the wedding which meant I really needed to get myself into gear in order to make good timing for the wedding.
He was so curious about the big box that I had brought. He wanted to open his gift right then and there and I told him that we’d open the gift after the wedding but he kept on insisting on opening it right then and there. I gave in and he opened the box and he was beyond touched by the gift. He gave me a couple of hugs and said it was one of the most thoughtful gifts he had ever received.
Now we were really going to be late for the wedding, so we got dressed, grabbed a cab and somehow, someway we managed to arrive with fifteen minutes to spare. The first person I saw when I got inside the venue was my best friend and her husband. I just knew that this evening was going to go just like I had imagined it. Mr. D. was already fitting in nicely with all of my friends that has met before including some new friends. The ceremony was lovely; the venue was gorgeous and after the couple said their “I Do’s” it was onto the cocktails and appetizers. During that time, I was talking with friends and looked over to see Mr. D. talking with the husbands and it was really such a wonderful feeling to see everyone getting along. I couldn’t ask for anything more from the evening. Every single thing was falling into place.
After the dinner, it was onto the dancing and our friend even got to DJ for us all. Half way through the dancing, Mr. D. pulled me aside and said, “Hey, I’m going to get going now.” I was tipsy at this point, so I thought he was joking with me. There was no way that he would leave me at this wedding, there was no way he was going to disappear after my friends had been so welcoming to him not to mention the food and drinks he was enjoying. When I asked him if he was being serious and he said that he was, I asked him to stop outside for some air.
Out on the street, I asked him point blank, “Are you leaving me and this wedding to go be with someone else?” To which he said, looking down at the ground, “Yes I am.” My loving feelings for this man went from love to hate in a matter of seconds. I don’t think I’ve ever been that angry with him, even after all the other stunts he has pulled on me in the past. I said, “You knew about this wedding for months, I asked you days ago if you could give me just this one night and you said that you would.” He tried to explain to me that even though we act like we are dating that we are in fact not. That was it, I was shaking with anger that I told him to leave immediately, to go inside and say goodbye to my friends and get the fuck out of my face. I, foolishly, remembered that I left my bag at his apartment thinking that I’d be back after the wedding. He said, “I can stay for another hour if you want.” There was no way that I even wanted him to stay another minute much less another hour, I didn’t want any favors or pity from this man. What I wanted was for him to leave me, my friends and my life forever.
He went inside while I stayed outside trying to compose myself because I knew that in a matter of minutes, I was going to have to back inside the wedding and explain to all of my friends what had just happened. He came back outside and tried to hug me goodbye but I told him to not come close to me. He walked away and I went back inside.
Once I was back inside, I, unfortunately was a mess. I excused myself a few times to go to the restroom in order to cry and I had the best support there because I just wasn’t sure how to present myself at this wedding. Many drinks later, I found myself with my best friend at a karaoke bar where I drunkenly left my phone and had no idea what time I actually got home.
Yesterday morning I woke up and the first thought to myself was, “Did this really happen to me?” After two and a half years, after all the shit that this man has put me through and after all the endings and making up that this was going to be the way that he is going to leave my life. I had to wait till the karaoke bar opened at three in the afternoon in order to get my phone. I got my phone thankfully and of course there was a slew of messages from Mr. D. asking me if was alright, asking me what time I would be by his place to pick up my bag and more importantly, asking me if I’ve calmed down because he misses his “dear friend and wants him back.” My anger had not changed in the slightest and I told him that I would be at his apartment by three thirty.
I wasn’t sure how I was going to act, what I was going to say or do once I got there. I knocked on his door and when he opened it he had the nerve to ask me how the rest of the evening was and how much fun he had at the wedding. I looked at him as if he had three heads and I came to realize just how off balance this man actually is. I put all my belongings in my bag and he said, “Wait. Where are you going? Stay.” I looked at him with the angriest of eyes and said, “I hate you. We are done and you are to never contact me again.” He was starting to talk again when I slammed his door as hard as I could and walked away.
I will never speak to this man again and come January fourth which will be his last day in this office…I will never have to see this man again. Over the past two plus years, this man has given me love and given me grief. Every single act that he has done to me; I was never filled with hatred toward him but rather sadness, disbelief but never hatred. I now, FINALLY, have feelings of hatred toward him and I’m perfectly fine with that. I didn’t shed one single tear and probably will never again.
I apologized to myself last night because I allowed this man to be in my life for way too long. I gave him every single part of my heart not to mention helping him out with trying to be a better person. I think the part that hurts the most is that there was never an apology for leading me on, never an “I’m sorry” for acting like someone that loves you to only be capable of doing some rather despicable things to someone you supposedly “love”.
For those that have supported me and those that haven’t, I thank you for sticking by me and for allowing me to go on this journey no matter how many red flags everyone warned me about. I’m not sure I will write for the rest of the year given all that has happened and all that I need to process, so I do hope that everyone has a wonderful holiday season ahead. Here is to a hopeful 2017.
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