It Is What It Is
The saying, “It Is What It Is”, is defined as a way to accept a person or a situation for what it is without any validation. It’s something that we can’t necessarily explain or want to explore, in short, its fancy way of saying, “I don’t care.”
Since my last entry a little over a month ago, I’ve traveled to Colorado to see family, had a birthday, spent time with friends, said goodbye to summer and began welcoming the fall season into the city. While there haven’t been any new dates since my last entry, I turned my focus on two rather important things. Those things being that I’ve been working intensely on my book with my editor and trying to find a new job. The finding of a new job, as we all know, isn’t exactly an easy task. I’m grateful for the job I have now and enjoy the people for the most part but at the end of the day, the main reason I should leave is because of Mr. D.
Try as I may, just when I think I’m strong and doing well, Mr. D. magically appears, whether that is physically or metaphorically. Over the past two plus years, I’ve been called a fool, gotten into intense arguments and even received a slap in face ala Cher in Moonstruck from friends and readers while trying to defend my relationship with Mr. D. It’s now gotten to the point where I’ve just come to the conclusion of, “It Is What It Is,” until I’m able to not physically see this man every single day of my life.
Over this past month, I’ve been working with two headhunters in order to find a new job that I can put some passion behind. About two weeks ago, I thought I was on the right path to finding that perfect job. It was for a job working for a major fashion corporation and I had two phone interviews and a face to face and by the time I left that office building, I felt fairly certain that I got the job. I was pre-meditating on how I would tell my current employer and most of all, how I would break the news to Mr. D.
After a week of following up and communicating with my head hunter, I was informed that I didn’t get the job because I was too expensive. I guess it’s better than hearing that I was under qualified. I was rather depressed about not getting the job and felt like I was stalled once again but, “It Is What It Is.”
It has been four weeks ago now when our office had yet another fundraiser, I was unable to attend due to a deadline that I had to meet at the office but the next day our entire agency was greeted with a gift basket and writing pen for having such an amazing turnout for the fundraiser. An hour into the office being open, I get an email from Mr. D. out of the blue and the subject was entitled, “Pen?”
His email was asking me if I left that pen on his desk and that it was so sweet of me to do. I responded back with letting him know that it wasn’t me that left that pen for him and that all employees received the same exact pen. He told me that he was having a bad work day and I told him that I hope his day gets better. Thinking that would be the end of the conversation, his next response to me was, “I love you.” It was three words that had a very big impact on me. Yes, it can be looked at as him manipulating me or being cruel because he knows I have feelings for him but I know him and I know he doesn’t function like that. I didn’t respond and instead I hit the delete button and did my best not to think of those words for the rest of the day.
The weeks following after Mr. D.’s confession to me I became very busy from a social perspective, so busy that it was hard for him and I find a time to have dinner. A dinner that he asked me to shortly after he said he loved me. I admit that there was still resentment toward him after what happened between us back in May with regards to our trip to California. Even though he apologized via text message and email, it is more powerful when you are able to say it to someone’s face. So, the communication between Mr. D. and I began again. Not how it used to be where every single day there was some sort of interaction but the occasional text or the water cooler conversation at the office. It wasn’t until the last week of September that my time was up and he wanted to get something on the calendar for dinner. I told him that I wasn’t going to be free until this past Thursday and he said he would make himself available. I wasn’t sure how I was going to feel and if I was going to have any emotion toward him for that matter but I contacted my best friend in Boston, who has met Mr. D. several times and I confessed everything to her. I asked her, “Are you disappointed in me?” Not because I wanted her to say something positive and say something like, “I’m always on your side” but I just wanted her to be honest. She told me, “It is what it is and you do what you have to do.”
I took her words and knew that the reality really is just that and there is no real explanation at this point. I was damn near positive that nothing has changed for Mr. D. since last May and nothing probably ever will as far as him processing his feelings for me but there I was, last Thursday, ready to hear all that he had to say. That evening after work, I finished my work before him and told him I would be at a bar across the street from our office waiting for him. He messaged me a few minutes later asking me to meet him at a different bar in our area for we needed to show face at this agency event. I didn’t want to go to the event because I didn’t want the office talking about us however; I knew that he was right in that we needed to be present there because the event itself was a big deal. I get to the event and immediately began drinking wine for I was nervous about the entire evening and how it was all going to play out.
He finally shows up and he makes a beeline right for me and puts his arm on my back. I quickly move myself and continue the conversation that I was having with another coworker. We didn’t stay long at the event and we left heading toward downtown. After walking for about fifteen minutes, we agree on the bbq place, Hill Country. There was a line of people ahead of us and we didn’t have any reservations. I could tell that he wasn’t in the mood to wait so I said that I’d see what I can do and try and convince the hostess for a table for two. I went up to the hostess and the first thing she said to me was, “Sweetie, you smell amazing. You have a reservation?” I said, “Turns out that I don’t have a reservation but it would be really amazing if you could get me and my friend a table for two.” She had me lean in closer and said she could get in trouble for this but to move quickly and someone would sit us down. I got us the table and as we sat down, Mr. D. said he’s impressed that I can charm a lot of people with just being who I am.
I opted not to drink for the rest of the evening and get to the reason why we were even having dinner in the first place. I told him that before we can even order dinner, I needed to know, in detail, what happened with California. He took a big sip of water and began to apologize again for doing what he did to me. He said that he was never with his ex-girlfriend and to this day they aren’t an item but he said he really wanted to be in Disneyland with his “life partner” and that is where I stopped him. I said that I’m not sure what he means by referring to me as his, “life partner” and he wasn’t sure how to explain himself either but that he expressed profusely at how much he regrets how he handled the entire situation.
The topic changed from “life partners” to me telling him that I was very close to leaving the agency and I confessed to him that I am still ready to leave and if I do leave, he and I will most likely never see each other again. He wasn’t sure how to process all of that and he said that our Boston office has approached him to move back to Boston and he wanted my opinions on it. We spoke about his potential move back to Boston but in the end, I know he’s going to end up staying in New York…at least for now.
After dinner, which he paid for, we began walking toward the subway and that is when he asked if I wanted to come over since it was still early. I nodded and we rode the subway to Brooklyn. He showed me the new things he bought for his apartment while I did my best to be impressed with his new purchases; I was trying to find evidence of another person being there…I found none. We sat on the couch and he became rather playful and started tickling me. I stopped him because something about it felt like I wasn’t ready for all of this to be happening yet again. I told him that it was getting late and that I needed to get home. He said he wanted me to get home safely and called me a car to which he wanted to pay for. As we were standing outside of his apartment waiting for the car to arrive, he hugged me and while he was hugging me he thanked me for allowing him to do his best to explain himself and said how amazing I am and how he is fascinated at how even strangers respond so positive toward me. I didn’t say anything expect I did thank him for dinner. The entire drive back to the city, I was filled with mixed emotions. One great evening doesn’t make up for anything that has happened in the past and I doubt he will ever work on his confused feeling towards me. I got the apology that I needed to move forward.
The next day at the office, he thanked me again for hanging out and said he had a lot of fun. I didn’t hear from him much over the weekend, expect on Saturday evening when he knew I was attending a wedding reception and asked me if I was having fun.
Tomorrow, October 11th, 2016, marks a very big day for me. That day is the day I moved to New York City twenty years ago. In those twenty years, I’ve been lucky enough to see and do so many amazing things and have such unique people in my life to share it all with. Throughout every curveball that life has thrown my direction the one thing that has been constant was my love for this city. Like any relationship, we have had our ups and downs but both us have put in a lot of effort in order to make it work. I could go on and on the many reasons I still love it here after all of these years but instead I guess all that is left to say is…”It Is What It Is.”
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