Normally in these posts, I try to let the readers into something I’ve learned, discovered and maybe even have repeated in my life. It’s been weeks since I have written and the reason for that is because so much has happened that these “life lessons” I try to share along with my dating life has changed. So, for this week, there is no lessons, no discoveries and while I have repeated some mistakes this will be all about giving it to you straight.
Since my last entry, I left you all with my trip to Boston with Mr. D. with everything running smoothly and it continued to run on that straight and narrow path even once we returned to our reality. Our reality was that we were both working on this major pitch that would take place in Southern California. Over the course of those weeks, we worked long hours and then it dawned on me that since he will be in Southern California that we should make a long weekend out of it before the actual pitch was to take place. I brought the idea up to Mr. D. and he instantly got excited and told me that this was a fantastic idea. As soon as he was on board with my plan, I had a friend of mine who is good at finding deals, begin to search flights and car rentals for me. She not only found a cheap flight but a cheap rental car as well. Since we were on such an excellent path of finding deals, I contacted my family and friends out in California; they also got excited at the idea of me coming out west and opened up their homes to Mr. D. and me. Finally, there was one more element of surprise for this trip…Mr. D. and I would be going to Disneyland!!! Anyone that knows me knows how much I love princesses and Disney related things. I had a very close friend of mine score us two free tickets to Disneyland. The minute I saw the tickets enter my inbox, I told Mr. D. about it and his response was, “This is fucking awesome!” It was settled. The plans were as such: I would be leaving this past Thursday and leaving the following Tuesday while Mr. D. would be flying in on Friday and leaving on Tuesday as well with the team after the pitch.
Several days prior to my flight, there was so many text messages and emails that went back and forth between Mr. D. and I and the level of excitement of this trip for both of us continued to grow. It would be our first trip out west, it would be his first time meeting some of my family and even meeting some friends of mine. I couldn’t believe how smoothly everything was falling into place, this kind of stuff never happens for me. There is always something that goes wrong and as each day was getting closer to us leaving, we were growing closer due to us working so closely together and not to mention the overall anticipation of a trip in sunny California.
Then on last Tuesday after work, I sent him a text message saying that tomorrow was my last day in the office and to get ready for our trip out west was fully confirmed. He responded an hour later that read, “We may have a problem.” I instantly responded with, “What’s the problem?” He didn’t reply back the rest of the evening. Ironically enough, I was having dinner with the friend of mine that night that managed to score us the two tickets to Disneyland. I wasn’t sure what the “problem” was. I was hoping that Mr. D. would’ve been straight with me. Tell me what the problem is and maybe we could fix it together. I went to bed that night and was worried that something terrible was going to happen with our trip.
The next morning at work, I was speaking with another coworker that was coordinating the team’s travels for the pitch. She said, “Everyone is confirmed and ready to go except for Mr. D. He told me that he might need to change his flight due to a wedding this weekend.” I did my best not to have a reaction because it was bad enough that people in the office already suspect that something is going on between us. I walked away and told myself to not overreact because I know that Mr. D. would never do something like this to me given how hard I worked to make this trip happen. As I was walking away from my coworker, I bumped into Mr. D. and he had a look of panic on his face and said, “I owe you an explanation and I’m going to make this right. Let’s chat outside in an hour.”
An hour goes by and we are outside on the sidewalk of our office and I started off with, “I shouldn’t be hearing about some wedding from a coworker…what is going on?” He said, “I got my dates mixed up and I promised a friend that I would be their date to a wedding on Saturday. I want to go to California and be with you. I’m going to make this right, I just need to find a replacement date for her and we will be set.” I went into detail with him of all the planning, the money I spent and even how my friends and family have opened up their homes to us so we don’t have to stay in hotels. By the time we got back into the elevator heading back to our office, he looked at me and said, “I promise I’m going to make this right.” The rest of the day, we worked very hard on the pitch and it was my last day in the office for I was flying out the next day. I didn’t hear from him that night and I chalked it up to be that, “no news is good news.”
I got up bright and early the next morning and made my way to Newark Airport to catch a 7:30 a.m. flight. The entire trip from New York to San Diego went off without a hitch. When I landed in San Diego, I picked up my little rental car, a bright red Toyota Yaris and sent a picture to Mr. D. to show him our little car for the trip. I put my seatbelt on and I was off and driving with me heading to my aunt and uncles’ home. Barely ten minutes into my drive, I got a text message from Mr. D. it was telling me that he is deeply sorry that he will NOT be coming on this trip, that he made a commitment to the wedding and that he wishes he was with me.
The real insulting part was that he said he sent me $250 dollars to offset any expenses for the trip. I pulled my little red car over so quickly and was shaking. It took me a few minutes to process that I just got dissed three thousand miles away. As the cars zoomed by me, I pulled out my phone and told him that I didn’t want his fucking money and that I couldn’t believe that he did this to me and that we are officially done with our relationship. My body wouldn’t let me cry because my anger and adrenaline were outweighing my sadness. Here I was, clear across the country that would’ve been an amazing trip with someone that I loved. I was going to be going to the “happiest place on earth” and now I had just ended something with someone rather important to me. He responded back quickly begging me to please take the money and that again, he’d rather be with me but he simply sucks at planning. I didn’t respond and got myself back on the road and continued to my relatives home.
When I pulled into their home, I called my sister to tell her what had just happened because she wanted to know if I arrived safely. As I was telling her about my situation, she told me that our grandmother that we hadn’t spoken to in well over twenty years died. I couldn’t help but laugh inside because it wasn’t that I was emotionally attached to this grandmother, it was the simple fact that when something goes wrong with me, it goes majorly wrong. I told my sister to feel no guilt about this grandmother passing and that I needed to go and face the music with my family.
I walked into their home and on their kitchen island was snacks and drinks…all of which Mr. D. liked because she asked ahead of time of what he likes to eat and drink. One of my aunts’ first questions was, “Where is Mr. D.?” I sat down and told her the entire story of what had happened along with our entire history together. My uncle instantly wanted his address to go and kick his ass but I told him that wasn’t necessary and that I just needed to wrap my head around the fact that I’m sitting in San Diego and solo. That evening, we had dinner and I went to bed early.
When I woke up the next morning, I wrote Mr. D. an email telling him that when I woke up, I thought that this was all a bad dream and that none of this really happened to me. That there was no way that he would ever do this to me. No possible way that he left me on the other side of the country to deal with the humiliation in front of my family and friends. That this person that he is going to this wedding with must really have a hold on him because he gave up an entire mini-vacation for one day at a wedding where he doesn’t even know who is actually getting married. In my closing of this email, I told him that we are done, no more friendship, no more flirting, no more trips and that I highly doubt that this person whom you are going to this wedding with has done as much as I had done for him over the past two years.
I had told my friends in Los Angeles of what had happened and it turns out that not only my friends that live in Los Angeles told me to come and see them but I had two friends of mine from New York actually staying in Los Angeles as well. It was there that I decided to get in my little red car and drive the two hours to see them. I told my family that I’d be back on Sunday and they understood given my situation.
Along the drive to L.A., I noticed that Mr. D. had responded to my email. I chose not to pull over on the highway and read it, even though my emotions wanted me to. Something told me to keep on driving and deal with the email once I arrived safely.
My friends from New York were staying at the Beverly Hills Hotel and were checking out later on that afternoon. I drove into the hotel, gave my car to the valet and saw my friends. They told me that we were going to the pool at the hotel and to relax. As they were packing up their suitcases, I took that time to read the email from Mr. D. The email started off with, “Dearest…” and it went on for four long paragraphs that contained sentences like, “I lay awake at night thinking of how I hurt you” or “I know I should treat you better than you deserve, it’s all I know how to do” and it continued on and on and it was the last paragraph of the email that broke my spirit. It said that he loved me and that he is confused as to where to put me in his life. He closed with knowing that there was no possible way that we could ever reconcile our relationship and that knowing this he will always have a heavy heart and that he will miss me.
I never responded to the email, there was nothing left to say, we had said everything we needed to say. It was over. I didn’t’ cry. I told my friends that we were over and they were impressed at my pride and at how I was handling the situation. We gathered our belongings, checked out of the hotel and lounged at the pool where we saw Mary J. Blige and Adam Levine. After getting some sunshine on our skin, we drove to our friends’ house and dropped our bags off. I had to, once again, tell them the story of what had happened to me and it was there that I knew I was lucky to have these people in my life and that I wasn’t alone. We went out to dinner that night at, Taste, and afterwards we went to West Hollywood where we went to several bars. It was good to see people, to meet new people and to be distracted from my reality back in New York. As soon as we got back to their house, I went straight to bed. I think I was emotionally exhausted.
The next day on Saturday, which would’ve been the day that Mr. D. and I were to go to Disneyland, I knew there was no way that I could go. I couldn’t fathom the idea of me roaming around the grounds of the park with families and couples and me with my thoughts. Thankfully, my friends had a back-up plan for us and that we would be attending a pool party hosted by a woman whose husband had several MTV awards and Grammy’s throughout the home. I met some lovely new people that instantly wanted to befriend me and at periods where my mind wondered, they brought be back down and told me to have fun, which I did end up having a lot of.
On Sunday morning, I offered to drive my friends from New York to the airport and then I would make my way back down to San Diego to spend more time with my family. The drive back to San Diego felt longer than I had remembered. I wasn’t sure if it was because I knew the trip was coming to an end or that I had too much time on my hands on the drive to think. I finally arrived at my family’s house and no one was home at the time and so I grabbed my book, sat in the sun and read until they arrived.
This past Monday, was my last day in California and I decided to make the most of my time. I drove to the beach, sat at the ocean and did my best to meditate but there was too much distraction going through my head. I sat there and finally decided to shop a little while I waited for my cousin and her boyfriend to arrive at the restaurant where we’d be having lunch. As I was waiting for them to arrive, I began to look through Facebook and began scrolling when I saw a photo. That photo was of two friends of mine that attended a wedding; in that photo sandwiched between my two friends was Mr. D.’s ex-girlfriend. The same ex-girlfriend that two years ago, I helped him end things with and it was the same ex-girlfriend that Mr. D. told me so much about (and not in a good way). The same ex-girlfriend that Mr. D.’s entire friends deemed as horrible. I was angry, yet again, because he never gave it to me straight as to whom he was going with to the wedding. Now, I had to find out via social media. It was a huge slap in my face and with that slap on my face; I decided to be straight with Mr. D. I told him that thanks to social media that I found out who exactly he went to the wedding with. He replied with saying that he’s sorry again and that I’m important in his life. I told him to please leave me alone once and for all and that he needs to stick with his choices.
I sat in the San Diego airport reading a book and waiting for them to begin the boarding process and out of nowhere it hit me. My eyes began to fill with tears; tears that I couldn’t hide from the public, tears there were flowing out faster than I could even wipe up with my tissue. I rushed to the bathroom to splash cold water on my face to try and calm myself before I boarded onto a six hour flight. I finally contained myself and sat in my seat and tried to force myself to take a nap. Somewhere over the Midwest, the sky was dark, the plane was silent and it occurred to me that both Mr. D. and I are both in the sky flying back to New York. I smiled because there was nothing else I could do as it was funny at how we were both in the sky, different planes going to different airports…so close yet never making the full connection.
So, there you have it and here is the “straight talk” of it all. I fell in love with someone. Someone very conflicted with his life, someone that I know loves me back, someone that I thought I could fix but couldn’t. I didn’t fail in trying but I did fail in letting someone get so close to me that I knew had a huge potential to break my heart (which he did). I’ll be fine, I don’t regret meeting him, I don’t regret allowing him into my life and I don’t regret thinking that one day we’d end up together. Love makes everyone do things that they normally wouldn’t do and that is a beautiful thing because that means people are trying to love, people are trying to get close and people still believe.
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