"Update" NYC

Treading Lightly

It’s been a month since I last written a single word for the blog and in many ways I needed to take a break because my world was getting rather intense. From work to surviving the holidays and then once the New Year began, I went back and forth with whether or not I wanted to continue with the blog. Turns out that I’ve decided to tread lightly with easing back into writing and continuing with this journey.

When I last left the blog, I was probably in one my darkest moments that I had been in a very long time. Thankfully, I had the support of my friends, family and the readers to push me through the darkness to somehow ending up on a lighter note. What I learned from that period in my life was that even when we think we are alone…there is someone out there to listen, to support and to love. As I tread lightly back into the world of writing and what the year ahead holds for me; I admit that I’m more excited to see what life has in store.

As January began there was still part of last year that was lingering and I wasn’t sure how to handle it. That lingering part was otherwise known as my office crush which I will now be referring to as, Mr. D. We hadn’t spoken a word to each other since September of last year which is hard to do when you work with someone that you see on a daily basis. He has never given up on trying to reach my attention at work whether it was him looking at me while I was in a meeting or even waving hello to me as I walked past his desk.  I ignored all of his advances and while I knew it was the right thing for me to do in order to move on…I was hurting inside because I wanted to talk to him, to find out how he was doing and to have our good times back again.

After the holidays when we all came back to business as usual, our relationship at the office continued the way it had been for the past four months. Then this past Wednesday at the office, I was going downstairs to grab my second cup of coffee and as the elevator doors were closing, the doors opened and there stood Mr. D. It was awkward as the floors went down and he asked what I was doing and when I told him that I was getting coffee, he asked me if he could join me and I said yes. We were walking and I realized that I left my coat upstairs and he offered me his to wear. We talked for about ten minutes and suddenly the awkwardness was gone. It felt like it had always been and when we got back upstairs he told me that it was really nice talking with me. I chose not to tell anyone about our “coffee break” because I feared what the reaction would be.

The next day, I was walking down our office hallway when I ran into Mr. D. again and we once again started talking and he was having a bad day at the office and he once again said that it was calming for him that we were talking. We had an office event that evening for a coworker and we both confirmed that we would see each other that evening. After we both walked away, I decided that it’s probably best not to talk to him at the office event for fear of the water cooler gossip.

When I arrived at the event that evening, I quickly surveyed the room and Mr. D. was nowhere to be found. I felt a huge relief because I was actually able to enjoy myself and not have to worry about having to converse with him. Then as I was walking to the bathroom, I felt someone grab my arm and it was him. He smiled and I just waved back, went to the bathroom and ignored him for the event. I did have a coworker come up to me and ask me why I was no longer talking with Mr. D. I didn’t even know this person knew who he was and this person continued to say how he thought we were so cute together. I lied and acted like I didn’t know what he was talking about. I’m not sure I convinced him of me not knowing what he was talking about but either way; I quickly left after that conversation and the event.

On Friday, I had a meeting at 4 p.m. that afternoon. This meeting was to have my tea leaves read by this amazing woman on the Upper West Side. I had gone to her in July of last year and she blew my mind away. Since then, I’ve sent four of my friends there and each one had the same experience as mine. She was accurate with her readings and everything that happened actually did happen to them. I had booked my appointment in the beginning of January since she is rather had to get an appointment with. I was nervous and also looking forward to the reading because I know you have to take the reading with a grain of salt but at the same time when you are looking for hope and guidance it can also be resourceful. I left work early and arrived at her apartment at exactly 4 p.m.

I sat down, drank my tea, took out my notebook and pen and took a deep breath before she began. I won’t go into the full details of my hour long session but what I can say is that she was accurate again with what was going on currently in my life, my thoughts that I have been feeling and even what was going on with my family. There was one point during the reading that I actually cried because she was so on target with what she was telling me. In the session, she spent a half hour on Mr. D. and she knew things about him, about us and even about the things that we have done with each other. It was at one point when she told me that she knew that we had recently started talking again and that one of our conversations took place in a hallway that I really began to get freaked out. She gave me her opinions on how to handle Mr. D. and what I should do next. I left the session feeling emotionally drained and when I got home I decided to contact Mr. D.

Within two minutes of me sending my text message to him; he responded and even wanted to meet that night. I told him that I had plans but we could do something on Sunday if he was available. I wanted to keep this very casual and with little to no pressure for I knew that the real pressure was about to come. He responded back with that he will think of something for us to do and will reach out later on.

Later that night, I was meeting a good friend of mine for some wine in my neighborhood. As we began to update each other on what was going on with our lives, I decided to tell him about my tea leaf reading and about me reaching out to Mr. D. and I appreciated him for listening and the only advice he had for me was to be very cautious. After the wine, we parted ways and I met a friend of mine at, Rise Bar, and there I danced for about thirty minutes and then went home.

The next day, I woke up with no regrets. I didn’t regret contacting Mr. D., I didn’t regret not fully finishing my book just yet because this time around I felt as if things were going to fall into place. My plans for that day was to see a movie with two of my friends and then onto some light bar hopping. I went to pick up my friend at his apartment and in the back of my mind, I knew I was going to have to tell him about me seeing Mr. D. the next day but I decided to wait until both of my friends were present because I didn’t want to repeat the story twice because I knew that I was going to be in for the lecture of my life.

We arrived at the movies but my friend that was responsible for the tickets was having train troubles and we ended up missing the movie. As we sat in the theatre reception area, drinking our sodas and eating popcorn, I knew that I had to tell them now rather than later when the alcohol would be in our bodies. As I began to tell the story about the tea leaf reading and what I had done; that is when I got the lecture that I was anticipating. My friend didn’t mince words at all, in fact he was extremely upset, angry and disappointed in me. He has every single right to feel the way he does about my seeing Mr. D. I didn’t have a case to argue and I listened to him list out every single detail as to why it’s wrong for me to be seeing Mr. D. again. He saw me at my lowest moments last year and for me to think that this time is going to be any different than last year is nothing short of being foolish.

We left the movie theatre and the lecture continued on as we made our way to the Gym Bar. I wasn’t sure if the entire evening was going to be ruined or if he was going to let it go and let me do my thing. We sat at the bar and there was still tension in the air but things began to calm down as the distraction of beer, men and televisions distracted us from the elephant in the room. I received a few more choice words from my friend as we left the bar and I wasn’t going to argue with someone that loves and cares about me so much. I knew that he was going to be the one to have the strongest reaction and it’s because in our friendship we have already endured so much together and stuck by each other through it all and there isn’t a day that goes by that I’m not grateful for him and his dedication.

After we were able to get passed the news, we left Gym Bar and went to The Monster where we proceeded to do tequila shots and drink beers. It was there that we ran into a guy I went on several dates with last year. He was the date that suffered from severe A.D.D. he was there with a friend of his and together we all kind of got to know each other and of course…continued to drink. Once we were done with the Monster, my other friend wanted to meet some of his friends at The Eagle. It was toward the end of the evening and I was rather exhausted but I agreed to go with him to the bar for one drink. To my surprise, that was exactly what I did. I had one beer and grabbed a cab home.

The next morning, I woke up surprisingly not hungover. I think my body didn’t allow me to be hungover because I was a ball of nerves knowing that I was going to be seeing Mr. D. after months of no communication.

I heard from him around 1:30 in the afternoon and he asked me if I minded going to Brooklyn where he lives for he wanted to see a comedy show. My original plan was to see him, catch-up and tread lightly with our situation but instead it was going to be a night filled with hardly any time to talk and laughter. The comedy show wasn’t starting till 9 p.m. so he suggested I pick him up at his apartment at 8:30 and we could go from there.

By the time I got off the L train at his stop, I was a ball of nerves. I had my friend’s words from the night before running back and forth through my head, I had my heart beating fast and even my own thoughts of what the hell was I doing. Thoughts of, “Am I going to get hurt again?” “Will this time really be different?” and “Why do I do this to myself?”

When I arrived at his building, he was already waiting outside for me. The first thing he said was, “Where is your bag? You usually always have a bag.” I wasn’t sure if he was asking because he was assuming I was going to stay the night or making small conversation. He said the show didn’t start for several minutes and we can go inside and have some green tea. Now I was back in his apartment, the same apartment I swore I would never go back inside and drinking green tea as we updated each other. He asked me if I was seeing anyone and I told him that I wasn’t and when I asked him the same question he responded back with the same answer. We talked about our lives and finally it was time to go to the comedy show.

He paid for the tickets and even the drinks. He is still sober and I stuck with two beers. During the show he was attentive and we both had a good time. After the show, he said he would walk me to the subway station. I told him that it wasn’t necessary but he insisted and instead of walking to the subway that was only two blocks away we walked to another subway station that was a longer distance away so we could talk.

During our walk, he asked me why I contacted him again. I mentioned the tea leaf reading and he said how grateful he was that I reached out. He said he was afraid that we would only talk at the office and how much he missed me. He also said that he loved me and when he said that, I ignored those words, as usual and just stopped in the middle of the sidewalk. I said, “Can you at least, for once, admit that our relationship is different and complicated and that I’m not making this up in my mind.” He smiled and said, “Yes. Of course I can admit that.” We arrived at the subway station and then he asked if we could walk around the block to talk a bit more. So, we walked around the block and there he thanked me again for allowing me back in his life. I told him that I’m not sure how much more he will be involved but that I had a wonderful time and thanked him for the show and I also mentioned how my friends are anti us hanging out. He shrugged and said even though he understands; he still thought my friends were rather nice to him. He hugged me for a long time and watched me as I walked down into the subway. The entire ride home I was replaying all the good and bad scenarios in my head. I was doing my best to just focus on the time we just had and kept repeating to myself to “tread lightly.”

This morning, we saw each other and he said he had a nice time and we both told each other how busy we were with work. I’m fully prepared to get an ear full from everyone that reads this and everyone that hears about our reunion.

Treading lightly on any situation is never easy especially in a city like New York where everything moves at such a rapid pace. What I know is that I had a good time, I laughed, I smiled and I’m going to do my best to tread lightly.

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