Deeper and Deeper
Where to begin? It’s been the longest I’ve been away from the blog and there were moments while I was away that I missed writing and moments where I could see myself shutting the blog down all together. There have been over 170 entries since this blog was created and in that time there have been some of the worse dates I’ve ever experienced and then there was also a complicated love that came out of it. As I debated on whether or not I should shut down the blog; I dug deeper and deeper into my belief system and I realized that I must continue writing and continue to search for that great love.
Ever since my last entry back in early November, I was getting emails from around the world from readers asking me if I was alright, what was going to happen next and if I was going to cancel the blog all together. Every single time I received a correspondence, I didn’t know how to answer because that was how lost I was in my life. I began to suffer from severe depression and I was doing my best to hide it from the world. Over the course of several weeks, there were days where I didn’t shower or eat. One of the hardest parts for me as I went through my depression was trying to hide it from those close to me. To not let them see how much I was suffering. I disguised it at work which was the most exhausting part for I was doing my best to avoid my office crush, with whom I haven’t spoken to in over two months and no one in my office knew just how bad off I actually was because I was acting my ass off. Then when the work day was over with, I would go home and crawl into bed and hide from my friends and the city that I love.
I knew exactly where my depression was stemming from and it simply has been a rather rough year. Between the roller coaster relationship with my office crush, losing a friend unexpectedly, a job that I’m not passionate about and then dealing with a major case of identity theft that is still continuing to haunt me. Throughout all the trials and tribulations, I’ve never once cried and I’ve never released any emotions but instead whenever I was out socially; I would appear that my life was in order. I would smile, tell jokes and be the person that everyone has known since the beginning and finally it became very exhausting being this certain person that was internally suffering.
I’ve only told a few friends close to me about my depression and my thoughts on how I was handling it but knowing how serious depression can affect the person suffering but those around them, I decided to write about it. What had me so concerned was knowing how many people I have in my life that do love me and yet with all this love; still feeling alone. It was my first time experiencing that emotion and I didn’t know how to process it. Each day for the past couple of months, my darkness continued to get deeper and deeper and about five weeks ago, I met a close friend of mine who had just returned from an extensive trip overseas and as I was explaining to him what I was going through; he began to tear up and told me that I’m not allowed to leave him. I’ve always known how much my friends care for me but seeing my friend react that way made me want to try a little harder and to not give up completely for there might be some fight in me left.
My heart still hasn’t fully been able to let go of my office crush but as each day and now month continues to go by; it seems to be getting easier. Naturally, there will be good days and bad days and he hasn’t stopped once with trying to get my attention at the office. Anywhere from a smile as we are passing by each other or to a wave but I ignore all his advances which isn’t easy to do at all for my heart wants to smile back but my head refuses to let him back in. I realize that in the next year, I will most likely need to find a new job in order to not deal with him on a daily basis for it’s not doing either one of us any good. While some might think that it’s giving him power; it’s more about me trying to move forward with my life and discover happiness again.
For many months now, everyone has had an opinion on my love life and the main opinion was that I needed to get back out there and date again. I was reluctant to put myself back out there again, given my mental state but I decided to go against my better judgment and I let a former co-worker set me up on a date. The guy she was setting me up with was a friend of her friends; so technically, she has never met this man before. The correspondence between me and this man had been going on for over two weeks, mainly our exchange was via text and he appeared to be both witty and had manners, which is really important to me.
From our text message exchange (yes, he sent pictures and was alright looking), I learned that he was an older man, in his early 50’s and has been in the city since 1982. I also learned that he works down on Wall Street, working in finance and that he lives in the West Village. After the two weeks of text messaging and determining when I could even find the time to meet him, I finally agreed to meet him last Tuesday.
He selected a wine bar on Greenwich Avenue called, Gottino, and I was rather pleased because this was a date where a man had actually selected a place rather than the famous line of, “I don’t care where we meet. You pick a place.” I arrived at 6:45 on the dot, just like he requested and I was there before he was. He was only a couple of minutes late and when he arrived, there was already two strikes against him:
- He was much shorter than he told me. He said he was 5’11 and he was shorter than I was.
- There was something wrong with his left eye…it didn’t move.
Both of his strikes were focused on his looks and I instantly felt guilty about that, so I took a deep breath and told myself to get to know the person even if I wasn’t physically attracted to him. I offered my hand out to him to shake and introduced myself but his first sentence to me was, “You don’t want to shake my hand for I’m all sweaty. Actually, I’m sweaty all over.” Granted, we’ve been having unusual weather for this time of year but wasn’t sure why he was sweating so much.
Based on how hyper he was acting, I wasn’t sure if this man had drank a ton of coffee before arriving or did some sort of drugs. Once again, I told myself that maybe he was nervous and to try and help him calm down. He asked me what kind of wine I liked and before I could respond he said, “Actually, we are going to order a bottle of white wine. Not too sweet but just let me do the ordering.” In my head, I already wanted to have one glass and leave as fast as I could but I allowed him to order the bottle.
As he we took our first sip of wine, he began to tell me all about himself. He told me about his college years, how he moved to New York, his travel plans and then he dropped the first bomb of the evening by saying that he’s in an open relationship. He said he didn’t tell me over text because he was afraid at how I was going to react. However, his open relationship only allows him to sleep with other men but not to get too emotionally involved because the partner (whom he doesn’t live with) suffers from severe depression and is on medication that doesn’t allow his partner to perform sexual acts. I grabbed the bottle of wine and poured myself a second glass for I hadn’t even spoken barely two sentences because this man was speaking a mile a minute.
He asked me if I had a problem with him and I just being physical with each other, to which I said, “Well, we will never be getting physical with each other, so there really aren’t any issues here.” He laughed and said for me to keep drinking and I might change my mind. It was now time for this man to drop his second bomb of the evening and that was to tell me that his dad is still alive and lives in a retirement center down in Florida. His dad is the retirement center’s main man and by that, I mean that his dad tells his son about his sexual experiences down in the retirement home. I said, “You’re dad still is having sex?” That is when my date dropped his third bomb to which he said that he goes down to Mexico once a year to get his supply of “V” for both him and his father. I didn’t know what “V” stood for and now I do…Viagra. I asked if my date needed to use Viagra and he said, “I don’t’ need it all the time but every now and I again, I need it.” I shook my head and that is when he said, “But trust me, you aren’t too far down the road from needing this yourself.” I told him that there was nothing wrong with my body and that I won’t need “V” anytime in the near future. This man was out of his mind and now he was being rather rude.
Finally, we finished and got the bill and I was relieved to be leaving this heinous date that was making me more and more depressed as each minute went by. Then the date said, “Let’s have one more glass and then I will tell you my plans.” I told him that I didn’t want another glass and that I was leaving. We settled the bill and as we were putting on our coats outside of the wine bar, I said, “Have a good night.” I turned to walk toward Seventh Avenue to try and catch a cab when he began to walk with me and grabbed my butt and I told him to stop it. In a very confident manner he said, “Here’s the plan, we are going to go back to my place and fool around and then we will order in food for which I will pay for.” I told him that we aren’t doing any of those plans and began to walk away, he grabbed my butt again and that is when I grabbed his wrist and told him to never touch me again. I was now officially pissed off and no longer in the mood for his attitude. He looked shocked but said, “Hey, I don’t think you are in any position to be acting like a prude. I could get a younger guy over at my place in an hour.” I told him, “I’m sure you could and only if you paid for it.” Thankfully, a cab arrived just as I said that to him and I got in the cab and went home. I called my friend in the cab ride home and she apologized profusely and vowed never to interfere with my dating life again.
Over the past six days, I attended twelve parties and I had fun at all of them because I was surrounded by such amazing people but naturally, I’m exhausted. I was doing ok with keeping busy and not focusing on my depression and things were actually starting to get better which I was grateful for. Then, last Friday, as the work day was starting to come to an end, my office crush came by my desk in front of my other coworkers, grabbed my arm and said, “I just want to tell you, Merry Christmas and to be safe.” I didn’t say a word and he walked away. I didn’t know how to process it; it was a nice gesture and hearing that come from him after months of not hearing anything from him, it made me feel all sorts of emotions. Two hours later, I sent him a text message and thanked him for his kind words to which he said, “I meant every word. Have a wonderful holiday.” I didn’t respond back and there really is nothing left to say. The rest of the weekend was spent attending parties with my friends and as I prepare myself to travel back west to see family; I couldn’t help but be grateful. I know in a million ways that I’m fortunate for my experiences not just in this past year but in my entire life.
I’m blessed to have people that not only believe in me but that want me to continue to fight and I will do my best. Thank you for the readers out there that care so much and for my friends and family without any of you, I wouldn’t be where I am today. Where is that exactly? I can’t answer that but with each day we will try to get better.
As we all know, this time of year especially can be hard on people that suffer from depression and if you can, do your best to reach out, to show your support and your love; for it goes a lot farther than you think, in fact, it goes deeper and deeper into that persons soul.
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