"Update" NYC

The Big Picture

“This too shall pass…”, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger…”, “God only gives us what we can handle…” and of course, “Everything happens for a reason.” We have all used these adages when it came time to help a loved one that was going through tough times. However, it’s a little trickier when we need to use these adages on ourselves. When we are in the storm it’s hard at times to see which direction the wind is going to take us. In fact, it’s all these adages that lead us to, what most refer to as…The Big Picture.

My Big Picture started over eight months ago when I allowed an office crush to turn into more than just a crush. I allowed myself to fall in love with him and I allowed him to fall in love with me. And over several months, somehow I endured all the ups and downs. I wasn’t proud of some of the things I allowed my office crush to get away with but I was too far into the storm to see that there would be light at the end of this tunnel.  However, if we are speaking in, “Big Picture” terms than most can say that I brought this on myself. There is certainly truth to that last statement which brings us to the latest installment of this roller coaster.

I took last week off to write UpDateNYC due to some interesting news that I received from my office crush. Two Monday’s ago, we still weren’t on speaking terms, in fact it was one of our longest times not communicating with each other. Like our entire relationship, I was wondering how he was going to find a way to sneak back into my life and two Monday’s ago…I got my answer.

The work day was just about to end that Monday when I got a message from him and it read, “I resigned today, just thought you’d like to know.” I wrote back, “Ok. Congrats.” I didn’t bother to ask him when his last day was and while I thought that my initial reaction was going to be sad because I wouldn’t see him on a daily basis; instead my emotions were of relief. Relief that I could finally say goodbye to this man once and for all. And relief to know that I could come to work without a feeling of slight anxiety. Naturally, there were still so many things to say before he would be out of my life forever and so we agreed to meet for coffee the following Thursday. In my mind, that Thursday over coffee would be the final send-off or “closure” if you will, to this melodramatic situation.

I didn’t hear from my office crush for the rest of that week or the weekend. He still knew that communication between us was rather strained. He did his usual antics of trying to smile at me at the office or say hi as I walked by but I ignored each pass. I was staying focused on the fact that I was finally getting closure and that this chapter of my life was finally coming to an end, I could actually see the Big Picture.

Last Monday and I was starting to feel little anxious about what I actually wanted to say to my office crush. How did I want to end things and how was I going to feel once it was all said and done. All week long he was doing his best to get my attention and I continued with not acknowledging. It was hard as it always has been to ignore someone that I care about. However, I was sticking to my guns and not backing down.

On Wednesday, I was about to head into a conference room where I was going to have a phone interview for a new opportunity, when I felt a tap on my shoulder and it was him. He looked at me and said, “Hey…it looks like I might not be leaving after all. They have counter offered and I’m on the fence of what I should do. However, please don’t tell anyone.” He winked and walked away.

When I got back to my desk there was a message from him that said, “I know I didn’t tell you to not tell anyone but someone came up to me and said they heard the news. You are the only person I told.” I apologized for gossiping and then I realized that the person I told his news to also messaged me and said, “Hey, I think I fucked up.” I asked the person that I told to swing by my desk to find out what exactly he told my office crush. He basically told my office crush that he heard he was leaving and was wishing him well in his next adventure. I smoothed things over with my coworker and my office crush and then I told my office crush that if he’s staying than there is no need for us to meet for coffee. He responded back with, “Oh yes there is.” I agreed and still with all my intentions of saying goodbye to him once and for all. At one point during all this back and forth, I had to laugh at the fact that I can’t seem to shake this guy off. He simply will not leave my life however, I knew in my heart and my mind that I was over our situation.

The next day I woke up and I was surprisingly in a descent mood given the fact that I knew things were coming to an end. I convinced myself that if I was already in a descent mood that I must be ready for this to come to an end. I had a rather busy day at the office and I didn’t hear from him at all throughout the entire day. I found it odd that he didn’t confirm a time or place for us to meet after work and so around 4 o’clock, I messaged him. He said that he went home sick and that if we can have our coffee date the following day. It was there that I became annoyed at his lack of respect for me and my time. If he went home sick than have the courtesy to tell me and I shouldn’t be the one having to reach out to him when it was his idea to have coffee in the first place.

Over text message, we went back and forth with him thinking that us meeting for coffee was us getting back on track. I informed him that the reason I agreed to coffee was that I assumed his last day in the office was Friday and that we would be saying goodbye to each other forever. Per usual, he didn’t take to that news so kindly and said that he still considers me someone that he wants in his life and it was there that I told him I no longer want to be a part of his life. I also told him that he has enough friends, family and apparently woman to choose from and that he doesn’t need me in his life. I wished him well with his family, friends and work and told him that I do NOT wish him well with his dating life. All of which he responded with, “Thanks. I appreciate that.” He finally asked if this was really goodbye and I told him, “Yes. I’m afraid so.” His final words to me were, “Man, you are one tough cookie.” I shut the computer off and accepted that there was never going to be a coffee meeting between us to say goodbye properly and that this was going to be the best thing to closure that I was going to get. There was and is nothing more to say to each other. What I’m left with now is that I need to learn to get over him and move on while working in the same office until my work situation changes.

The rest of the weekend was left with the usual Halloween antics and spending time with friends. There wasn’t even enough time to process all that has transpired between my office crush and I. I do know and feel that it’s finally over and I’m alright with that. Did I really think that this was going to turn out in my favor? If I’m being honest than the answer is no and not because I don’t’ deserve to be happy but there was simply too many obstacles for us both to hurdle over in order for us both to be happy. I still love him and still wish nothing but the best for him and that’s all we can do in situations like this. Wish them well and do our best to move forward.

Turns out that seeing the Big Picture isn’t always as easy as one might think. It takes allowing yourself to make mistakes, to have patience and understand that all the chaos will in fact, turn out for the best and most importantly; it takes knowing that one day you will discover the reasons why you did the things you did with the hopes that love will concur all.

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