"Update" NYC

Love Thy Self

They say that in order to truly be able to love someone else that you must first be able to love yourself. Yet, with all of us running around with bounds of self-doubt, insecurities and the tiny little voices in our heads that create such loud noises. I couldn’t help but wonder if it’s possible to ever really be able to love thy self.

As last week started, I was still not speaking with my office crush. I was still managing to not see him around the office and if I did; I made sure to either walk the other way or act like I didn’t even see him. I admit that it was getting rather exhausting for me trying to avoid someone, especially someone that I care for. I was acting my ass off and pretending that I was fine. That I was ok with the choice that I made to extract him from my life. But the reality was and is, he is someone very special to me and I know that he is wrong for me and that there is nothing else I can do to fix the situation.

By the time Thursday had rolled around, I had gone almost a full week without any interaction with him. I was starting to feel a little bit of the weight lifting from my shoulders and I noticed that even my personality was starting to shift from being anxious to a sense of calmness.

My plan that Thursday evening was to meet up with an ex-boyfriend of mine that is soon to be leaving to San Francisco with his current boyfriend. We wanted to talk, reminisce and wish each other well before he left and with the potential of never seeing each other again once he moved.

During the work day, I managed to once again, avoid my office crush and I was doing great with my plan until somewhere around the late afternoon, I walked past him and he tried to get my attention. I finally turned around and asked him what he wanted. He said, “I know your friends are coming into town this Saturday from Boston and I want to see them but I have a birthday party that night as well.” I told him to just attend his birthday party and that I would tell them that he said hello. He said that he really wants to see them and to please send him the details about the party on Saturday. I shook my head and began to walk away when he said, “Hey. One more thing that I want to tell you and that is that I miss you.” I walked away and didn’t respond to his last comment to me.

Work had ended around six that day and I wasn’t set to meet my ex-boyfriend till 6:30, so I had a half-hour to kill and I decided to go down to my local bar, The Tippler, for one drink before meeting my ex-boyfriend. As I went downstairs, I was relieved to see that my office crush wasn’t there. I ordered my usual drink and sat down and proceeded to try and shake the day away.

I was barely three sips into my drink when I heard someone yelling at the top of their lungs…it was my office crush and he was extremely drunk. In fact, it was the most drunk I had ever seen him. He said, “I knew you were here because I could smell you.” I turned around and he was standing right behind me. I noticed that there were other coworkers in the bar and I quickly began to become embarrassed by what my office crush was yelling at me. He continued yelling at the bar to everyone, “This guy broke my heart. He took away our relationship and didn’t even explain to me why.” I told him to calm down and to please stop yelling. However, we all know that it is never easy to argue with someone when they are that intoxicated. I tried to drink my drink as fast as I could without him getting even more upset. I told him to go home and we would discuss things the next day. He was not happy with that at all. So, I looked at the bartender that usually serves the both of us and said, “He’s done. Can you please cash him out and cut him off.” The bartender shook his head and proceeded to cash my office crush out. As the bartender was doing that, I used that as my escape to get out of the bar without my office crush noticing. I was in the restroom of the bar and when I walked out, there my office crush was standing there and waiting for me.

We stood in front of the bathroom and he continued to yell at me about how cruel I’ve been and how he misses me and loves me so much. I told him to please go home and sleep it off. I tried to pass him since he was blocking me from leaving the bar but he kept saying how when I leave that he is going to follow me wherever I was going. I finally got past him and proceeded to walk on the street. He followed me for one block and continuing to say how he doesn’t understand why I’ve cut him out of my life. I just stopped him and pleaded with him to please go home, to drink some water, eat something and pass the hell out. He finally agreed and asked if he could hug me. I agreed to the hug and in our embrace he said, “I love you so much and miss you.” I didn’t say anything but I undid our embrace and proceeded to walk away. As I was walking away, I could hear him yelling at me again at how I broke his heart. I never looked back.

I met my friend on the corner of 16th and Ninth Avenue and I was still shaken up by all of the yelling and all the words that were exchanged.  My ex-boyfriend and I walked the High Line and then decided to have dinner. Over dinner, we talked about our past, our present and what our future holds for our lives. His life seems far more impressive than mine but I was happy that he was happy with his next chapter. He said he wanted to walk all the way down to Battery Park. So, after dinner, we walked and talked till we got to Battery Park and we sat down on a bench and watched fireworks. In the back of my mind, I was still concerned if my office crush had made it home safely. Also, in the back of my head, I realized just how much my office crush doesn’t love himself. He is tortured with the demons in his head and uses alcohol to escape his reality. Of course, most of us do use all kinds of substances to avoid our reality but I worry that his constant behavior will ruin more than just our relationship but also his job and his other friendships. It broke my heart and there was nothing that I could to fix him. It is something he needs to do for himself.

The next day, I was sure that my office crush would either come in late to the office or not show up at all for I was certain he was going to be suffering from a major hangover. He did show up late to work and we didn’t speak at all to each other that day. What bothered me the most was that he didn’t even think to apologize to me for embarrassing me, for yelling at me and for calling me names in front of coworkers. Instead, around 3 p.m. I saw him leave with another coworker for the day, which left me to feel at ease and finish the rest of my work day without having to worry about him.

After work, I was so exhausted from the past twenty four hours that I went home and took a quick nap. When I woke up, I showered and met up with a friend of mine for a few drinks. I didn’t want a late night because of the party I was attending on Saturday. I was in bed by midnight and I had no idea what the next day was going to bring. Would I see my office crush? Would he cancel? Or how we would interact with each other if he did show up to my friends’ party?

The party on Saturday was for a friend of ours that is moving back to London. The plan was to all meet in the afternoon at Prospect Park for a picnic, followed by playing games at this bar in Brooklyn called, Royal Palms.

On my way to the park, I received a text from my office crush asking for details on the party. I sent him the details and he said that he would meet at the Royal Palms and from there he would go to his birthday party that he had later on that night. I told him that was fine and that I’d see him later.

The picnic was a huge success and a lot of people showed up for our friend. After the picnic, we all cleaned up and went to the Royal Palms to play shuffle board and of course, drink. When I arrived at the bar, my office crush was already there waiting. He quickly gave me a hug and was very affectionate toward me. I went along with it because this evening was not going to be about drama, no arguments, no emotional outburst and it was solely about our friend who was leaving for London.

We all were getting along just fine and at one point, we went outside and that is when he wanted to talk. I told him that I didn’t want to talk about anything but just to have fun. He agreed but kept on repeating over and over again how he misses and loves me.

Several hours later, he was drunk but not obnoxious drunk and said he was going to go to his birthday party that was being held at some bar on the Lower East Side. He asked me to go with him and I said that I wasn’t going to leave my friends. He got in a car and a few minutes later I received another “I love you” text. The evening proceeded and around 1 a.m. I got a text saying that he is home and that he wanted me to be with him. I told him, “No. I’m going home and already in a car heading to my apartment.” That was the last I heard from him that night.

Yesterday, he sent a text thanking me for letting him see my friends and how amazing they all were. I didn’t respond. I spent the rest of the day with a friend having beers at the Ninth Avenue Saloon and trying not to think about what the week ahead is going to be like.

Loving ourselves can be a lot harder than loving someone else, especially when we are our own worse critics. We can fix other people, only ourselves. I guess the best we can do is start each day with gratitude, treat others with kindness and more importantly treat ourselves with nothing but love.

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2 Comments

  1. Joe

    Much of your writing seems very focused on this belief that you have your act together (in the moment) and are better than most other people, one guy after another. You are verrrrry hard on so many of the men you have dated (remember Mr. B, etc, etc.), seemingly all the time with a cocktail in your hand. You can make a mistake and learn from it because you are you; but another man setting a foot wrong in your opinion is a tripwire for your ridicule and judgement. At times in your posts you have been very, very trans-phobic, as well as shamelessly biased against people with real physical disabilities, like it’s 1950. You look down on men who you think have menial jobs, though you yourself have never gone to college and your work is uninspiring to say the least. You wrote it all, maybe you should read it one day. Very arrogant. Very condescending. Very trivial, artificial and skinny world view. You are learning (or not) as you go and certainly not teaching anybody about how to “date” properly. This is very much a blog about how NOT to date. You need to get outside of your world, it is not as real as you think. And you need an editor in the worst possible way. Here’s to hoping your office crush escapes!

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