Is It Over Yet?
Saying goodbye to someone can be one of the hardest things a person can do in their lifetime. These so-called “goodbyes” can leave a person feeling drained, miserable and lost. Which got me thinking about the many times in our lives that we will have to say goodbye to someone…is it ever really over?
As last week began, I had started my grieving process of my goodbye to my office crush. It was day one after I had told him via text message that I think it is best if we just remain coworkers rather than the friendship that we had developed over the past three months. When I said goodbye to him, I instantly knew that he was not only taken aback but he was blindsided by my actions. I know that in the end it was something that needed to be done for everyone involved. However, that didn’t make the “goodbye” any less painful. As much as he was dazed and confused my by sudden disappearance; I was left with the heartbreak that I knew was bound to happen the minute I met him.
By the time Wednesday came, I was in a deep depression but I managed to hide it from everyone at the office and even hid it from some of my friends. That evening, after the gym, I was heading down to the Financial District to visit a friend of mine who was having me over for pizza and wine. On the subway ride down to my friends’ apartment; I felt the tears begin to form but I held them back. I didn’t want to be a crazy person crying on the A train nor did I want to give any tears to my office crush. I mentally gave myself a slap across the face and snapped myself back into reality. It was nice seeing my friend and also nice to get some confirmation that what I was doing with my office crush was, in fact, the right thing to do. I left my friends’ apartment later than I thought and more drunk than I thought; which I knew the morning was going to be a rough one.
I was dreading Thursday morning, not because of the wine hangover that I was anticipating but because I was hosting a going-away party that evening after work for one of my editors. The catch to this party was that everyone in the office was invited including my office crush. I was hoping all day that he wouldn’t show up due to work or him having a date (presumably with a woman) but when I was speaking with my editor later on that day; she told me that my office crush was going to attend.
The work day was done and my editor and I walked over to the bar, The Brass Monkey, where her going-away party was being held. It was a great turn-out for her and she was the belle of the ball with everyone wishing her well and saying goodbye to her as she was setting off to her next chapter.
About an hour into the party, I could feel my office crushes’ presence. It was an eerie feeling knowing that he was there but that we weren’t going to speak with each other. He remained on one side of the bar and I stayed on the other. I needed to use the restroom at one point and in order to get to the restroom, I needed to pass by him and as I walked passed him, I heard him say to me, “Hey.” But I kept on walking and acted like I didn’t hear him. Luckily, once I was done using the restroom, he was in a different part of the bar.
More time had passed and I was back talking with my editor and she told me that my office crush was just starring at us. I laughed it off and then she said that he was making his way toward us. I excused myself and made up a lie saying I wanted to talk with another coworker. I also wanted him to be able to have a proper goodbye with her since they also were close.
We were about three hours into the party now, everyone was feeling the booze run through their veins; including myself. I did see from the corner of my eye that my office crush was putting on his coat and leaving for the evening. I had no idea where he was going but I was relieved to know that he was leaving so I wouldn’t have to worry about an awkward run-in with him.
Turns out, I would have no such luck with avoiding an awkward run-in with him. My back was toward him and I felt a tap on my shoulder and as I turned around, he said to me in a rather annoying tone, “Can I speak with you for just five seconds?” I told nodded my head and said, “We can speak but this isn’t about us tonight. This is about saying goodbye to our coworker.” He said that he understood and didn’t want to make a scene but he said that he had some things to tell me. I nodded again and then he took a deep breath and told me, “I am trying to respect your wishes of us never speaking again but I do have to say that I’m confused by all of this. However, I also want you to know that if you ever change your mind and want me back in your life; that I will be there for you. I also miss you very much and I will always love you.” I didn’t know what to say other than, “Thank you for saying that but I think you should go now.” He turned around and left the bar.
I did my best after he left to shake off the words that he said to me but it was a lot harder than I thought. I smiled and chatted with coworkers for one more drink before I excused myself and took a cab home. On my cab ride home, I sent a text to my office crush making sure that he got home safely because he was boarder line drunk when he left the Brass Monkey. I got a text a half hour later that read, “I’m safe. I will love you forever.” I told him to please stop saying those words to me for it isn’t easy for me either to be saying goodbye to him. He responded with saying how confused he is by all of this and then told me that he is leaving for Boston the next day for the weekend. I told him to have a safe trip and that was the last I have heard from him. I wasn’t sure why he was going to Boston and naturally I was curious as to why he was going back to the city that we went to a few months ago but it was no longer any of my business. I went to bed that night with a rather heavy heart and to this day; the heart is still heavy. I miss him but I had to let it go.
On Friday, it was time to say goodbye to another friend of mine. He was offered a six month stint in Singapore through his work and so this weekend was his big send off before he returns back to New York. That evening I picked him up and we headed over to the first bar, Pieces. Everyone showed up for him and after a few drinks there we migrated our way over to, the Monster, followed by ,Julius, before ending the night at, The Eagle. When I looked at my phone not only had I still not heard from my office crush but it was also almost 3 a.m. I snuck out without saying goodbye to anyone and grabbed the first cab I could find.
The next morning, I was anticipating to wake up with another hangover but instead I woke up tired. I drank coconut water, iced coffee and took a long shower to try and revive myself for I knew that the day ahead was going to be a long one.
Jumped on the subway and headed over to Brooklyn to my friends’ house where she was hosting our version of, Cut Throat Kitchen. My only responsibility is watching after her 2 ½ year old son and doing the many dishes that would pile up as a result of the amazing food that was being prepared. There was about ten of us there and the food and the prosecco continued to flow from 2 p.m. till 2 a.m. I shared a cab back to the city with my friend that is leaving and on the ride home we took a fun drunken trip down memory lane before we hugged goodbye and I wished him well. It dawned on me as I was washing my face that night that this week has been all about saying goodbye and I didn’t enjoy that feeling one bit.
Yesterday, all I wanted to do was be alone and enjoy the amazing weather we were having but I had a rooftop birthday party to attend. Luckily, the birthday party was only a few blocks away from my apartment. I made conscious choice to not drink a lot and give my liver a much needed break. So, when I arrived, I sipped slowly on my drink and stayed for a few hours before leaving sometime around six and properly took myself home and detached myself from the world till I fell asleep reading.
Saying goodbye is never an easy thing to do. No matter what the circumstances are, whether they are wishing someone well or the ending of something special. I guess the best thing that we can do is say goodbye, wish them well and know that maybe our goodbyes are truly never over.
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