All For The Best
We will constantly run into moments in our lives when we have to say goodbye to certain people. Where we have to wish them well and hope that their lives will continue to grow, that their lives will be filled with nothing but happiness and know that when you say goodbye that it’s…All For The Best.
Last week was insanely busy with work and that left very little time for my office crush and I to communicate. We weren’t fighting or anything of the sort but we both were so busy that we did the occasional text message or friendly hello in the office. However, we did agree that this past weekend we would hang out.
It was Friday and we were greeted with amazing weather in the city. We were also greeted with being able to leave early at the office with work permitting. I was invited by another coworker, who, oddly enough lived a few minutes away from my office crushes apartment in Williamsburg, to a rooftop party that she was having.
After work on Friday, I went to have lunch at Dos Caminos in the Meat Packing District while I waited for my office crush to finish his work and from there we would go shopping for shoes for him and then we would meet everyone at the rooftop party. He came and picked me up at the restaurant and from there we went to pick him up some shoes that I knew would look great on him.
We get to his apartment, drop off my bag and I change into clothes that better fit a rooftop party. When we arrive, some of the other coworkers were already pretty tipsy. My office crush and I quickly caught up to speed with everyone else and from there we had a really fun time. We drank, we danced and as the party continued on, we all managed to get pretty drunk. My office crush proceeded to get more drunk than I and kept getting more physical with me. Mainly, while the other coworkers were not paying attention, there was a butt grab and of course constantly hugging me and telling me sweet nothings. Finally, as the party was winding down and people were leaving; some of the stragglers wanted to go to another bar. I didn’t think my office crush was in any position to be going into a bar and so we said goodbye and got a cab back to his apartment.
In the cab ride home, we held hands and there he told me, “Please don’t ever leave me. I won’t ever let you go.” I didn’t respond for I didn’t want to participate in the drunk talk that generally happens with him. When we got back to his apartment, we stayed up listening to music and talking about the potential trip to his beach house that he had asked me to go to this upcoming weekend. We finally went to bed and like all the other sleepovers, he held me for most of the night.
On Saturday morning, we woke up and in bed; we read news articles to each other before finally getting ready to head back into the city. He had to work at the office for a couple of hours and I was meeting friends of mine at 5:30 in Chelsea. The ironic thing was that I was meeting my friends literally across the street from our office.
He asked me if he could join me and my friends later on after he was done with work. I was rather excited about this because it would be a chance for him to meet more of my friends and of course, I could get their opinion on him. I dropped him off at work and I continued home where I could take a nap and change into a new outfit.
At 5:30, my friends and I were all meeting at this place called, Torro. We got a big table and the rose wine was being poured by the bottle. I was getting nervous each time my office crush sent me a text message giving me an update on his arrival. Finally, he sent a text message around 6 saying that he was on his way.
He arrived and I could tell instantly that he had been drinking the entire time that he was at work. His eyes had a glossy look to them and he had a hard time focusing on what my friends were asking him, etc. I was already slightly embarrassed, especially when he put his arm around me at one point and whispered in my ear, “I love you.” Being the amazing people that they are, my friends didn’t question him about who or what he is. Rather, they just respected the situation and kept the conversation with him very light.
After his second beer, my office crush leans into my ear and says, “I think I’m going to be leaving after this.” I asked him why he was leaving and he took a big sigh and said, “Because I’m meeting an ex-hook-up of mine and I really need to have sex.” I was stunned. I was stunned and I was also embarrassed. He asked me if we could go outside and talk. I agreed and of course all my friends looked at me knowing that something was happening. I told them that I would be back in a few minutes.
As we stood outside in silence along the West Side Highway watching all the cars speed by. He finally said, “Ok. Let me have it.” I told him that there was nothing for him to have. All I said was, “Please leave now.” He was shocked and asked me if I was serious about him leaving that instant. I told him that I was and told him how he embarrassed me by showing up drunk and now I have to go back upstairs to the restaurant and explain to my friends why he was leaving. He wasn’t moving and I could feel the lump in my throat begin to swell and I said, “I need you to leave now. Please.” He threw his arms up in the air and began to walk away and as he was crossing the street he turned around to look at me and I mouthed the word, “Go.” He turned around and continued to walk away.
I went back inside and naturally everyone was asking if I was alright. I explained to them what we had discussed and I’m so blessed to have such amazing people to be by my side without any judgment. We left the restaurant and proceeded to go to a friends’ apartment that was close by. Once we arrived at his apartment, we listened to music, talked and I did everything I could to not think about him. This actually worked because I never heard from him for the rest of the evening nor did I bother to reach out.
Yesterday, I woke up and felt numb. Numb because I was hungover. Numb because I finally began to process everything that had happened between my office crush and I. I also told myself that I was done with him. Not only did he embarrass me but the future didn’t look bright at all for us.
Around 11 a.m. yesterday I receive a text message from him and all it said was, “How was the rest of your night?” It was very clear to me that he wasn’t going to apologize for his behavior nor does he get that his mixed messages that he constantly sends to me will ever have any consequences. I told him that I really hated doing this via text message but that I also don’t want to see him again. I told him that I was ending our friendship and if we can just keep it to being coworkers and since we don’t actually work in the same department that it will be easy for us to avoid each other.
He didn’t think I was serious at first and then I confirmed that I was serious. He said that he shouldn’t be punished because he’s straight and that I shouldn’t take our friendship away. That angered me even more because the man is in such denial and can’t comprehend that what he and I have experienced and gone through over the past three months isn’t exactly your typical relationship between a gay man and a straight man. Finally, I told him to please leave me alone and I wished him all the best.
I didn’t hear from him for the rest of the day and for the rest of the day, I lay across my couch and didn’t move. I felt like my body weighed a ton and that I physically couldn’t move my body until I moved it from the couch to my bed.
My heart is broken but I also knew deep down that this day was going to present itself. I wasn’t sure how it was going to happen. I wasn’t sure how I would handle it. I just knew that in the end I was going to be the one with the broken heart. I was going to be the one that will cry. I was going to be the one to hear the words come out of people’s mouths, “I told you so.”
It’s over. It’s done. I was grateful for the past three months because I connected with someone, I laughed, I smiled but I can’t help him find his way. All I could was say goodbye to him and knowing that what I did for him, for me and for us was…
All For The Best.
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