In this life that we live, we will come across many crossroads and these crossroads tend to determine where our next chapter will take us. Chapters like, whether or not you should get married or should you take a job offer. The crossroads are endless, as they should be because without these crossroads, obstacles, challenges or whatever you want to call them; then we aren’t really living. We must face our crossroads and be prepared for whatever happens next.
I knew that at any moment my time with my office crush would hit a crossroad. How could it not? We’ve been hanging out since the end of February and in those months there have been happy hours, an amazing trip to Boston, a lot of laughs, the meeting of each other’s friends and countless sleepovers. With the amount of time that we’ve hung out together and the amount of confessing that we’ve both shared with each other. The question that has been on everyone’s mind is: When will they finally hook-up? It was a crossroad that I have thought about. I’d be a fool to think that he might’ve thought about it from time to time. However, it was also a crossroad that I wasn’t sure I was ready to make or to be a part of. Mainly because of fear. Fear of losing his friendship. Fear of making our relationship incredibly awkward and then having to see him every single day at the office. And my biggest fear and that is…suffering a broken heart.
For the past three months, I have been given advice from around the world. Advice that I should just make a move or walk-away before anyone gets hurt. The advice is endless and most of it all makes perfect sense. However, like all relationships, no one really knows what goes on behind closed doors; except for those two people. I can honestly say, that for the past three months, I haven’t smiled as much by hanging out with someone, I haven’t laughed as hard as I have and the flip coin is that I haven’t been this confused about someone…ever.
Last Wednesday night, I was at home when I got a text message from my office crush telling me to bring my gym clothes for he wanted to work out together after work on Thursday at his gym that is in his apartment. It was an odd request but I told him that I would come prepared. I also needed to pack an additional bag because I was going to Washington, D.C. with a few friends over the Memorial Day weekend.
That Thursday morning, I was on the subway with two huge bags of clothes, products and shoes for I had no idea what my night or my weekend was going to consist of.
After work that Thursday, I met my office crush down at our bar, The Tippler, for one drink before we decided to go back to his apartment in Brooklyn, to potentially do this work out that he suggested. On the subway to his apartment, he had a change of heart and suggested that we just hang out and have a fun night. Since I had already worked out that morning before work, I was perfectly ok with forgoing the evening work out session.
When we arrived at his apartment, it was a mess. So, we put on some music, popped open some beers and began cleaning and laughing the entire time. After that, he wanted to try on the clothes he had asked me to shop for him a few weeks ago. So, we had a mini-fashion show and he liked everything that I got him.
After the cleaning, after the fashion show; he suggested we take a walk since it was still early and go to a bar that he wanted to introduce me to. It was a hidden bar called, Larry Lawrence. It was a gorgeous bar that has dark wood all around, a wide selection of beers and an outside area you can sit and enjoy your beverages. We had a few drinks there and after those few drinks, he suggested we go back to his apartment to relax.
When we got back to his apartment, he began talking and confessing how much he doesn’t want to be a disappoint to his family, how he wishes he was gay because if he was than we would be together. Yes. It was slightly drunk talk on his behalf but I just sat there and listened. I let him talk; let him say what he felt he needed to say. I felt like any disagreement or challenge I would give him; would lead to him going back into hiding. This lasted for awhile until I finally felt like we were going around in circles and hitting a crossroad. That crossroad being that I’m dealing with a man that is confused about more than just sexuality but his purpose in this world. I decided that that night wasn’t going to be the night of anything else other than listening to my friend, laughing with my friend and supporting my friend.
After we closed the topic that evening, he said he wanted to share something with me that he’s never shared with anyone before. He grabbed a cd (yes, he still listens to cd’s) and played for me the first ever opera that means so much to him. We sat there and listened to this beautiful opera and we hugged and had a rather special moment. It meant something to me as well more than any sexual act.
I decided that it was getting late, we both had work the next day and I didn’t want to be hungover on a bus ride to D.C. We got ready for bed and once we were both lying there…he spooned me and didn’t let go for most of the night.
The next day and our office had officially started our summer Friday’s which meant that if work permitted, you could leave at 1 p.m. I had a bus that leaving out of Port Authority at 1 p.m. so I left the office at noon and said goodbye to him and wished him a great weekend at his beach house in Long Island.
I met my friends in line at the bus station and we took off at 1 p.m. on the dot. The entire bus ride my friends’ and I talked and laughed and it made the four and a half hour bus ride go rather quickly. We arrived at the hotel, freshened up and decided to take a walk around the area.
That evening, I met a guy that was also staying at our hotel and he asked me if he and I could potentially hangout on Saturday night. It felt odd ditching my friends but they were perfectly alright with me going off to have a little adventure. So, I wasn’t even in D.C. for twenty four hours and I had a date and I thought New York moved fast.
On Saturday, we woke up late but managed to do some sight-seeing. After the sight-seeing, one friend decided to do some shopping while my other friend and I decided to hit up a bar for some afternoon cocktails. Finally, it was time for us to begin getting ready for the evening. We hit the town and visited a few bars before ending up at this place called, Town. It was a dance club and we were there till after 2 a.m. Earlier that evening, my so-called “date” said he was too drunk to meet and asked if we could push our “date” to the next evening. He promised he would take me out to dinner and show me the town. I agreed and continued to focus on my friends, D.C. and potentially meeting new locals.
Sunday, we all woke up and no one was hungover. We got ready as fast as we could and walked around the city in the Dupont Circle area. My “date” was texting constantly about how excited he was to meet me, to see me, to be with me and to have a fun filled evening. I would be meeting him at 7:30 in our hotel.
When 7:30 came, I knocked on his hotel room and was greeted with a quick kiss hello and him telling me that we had a half hour to get to the restaurant for he made reservations for us at 8 p.m. A man that actually makes reservations? I was impressed. We walked, held hands and talked along the walk to the restaurant. He selected his favorite Mexican restaurant and as we sat down, he suggested we order a pitcher of margaritas. How could I resist? I agreed and when the pitcher arrived and he poured our drinks, he said, “I don’t really like tequila.” Than why the hell did you order margaritas? I just kept on drinking and as I began to ask my typical date questions, I began to see why he was a single man living in Florida. He lacked some serious people skills. All he would do when I asked a question was answer and raise both of his eyebrows in a flirtatious manner.
Then the food arrived and he took six bites (Yes. I counted). He took six bites and said, “I’m full.” Well, I kept right on eating, drinking and asking questions to pass the time. I asked him if he ate something before our date and he said that he had. So far, this was turning into a typical date that I have in New York. After dinner, which he paid for, we walked back to his hotel room. He suggested that we go back to his room, order a movie and just have some fun for he had a flight the next morning at 6 a.m.
We arrived at his room, began to make out and everything was falling into place and then he stopped. It was around midnight now and as we were lying on his bed almost naked; he said, “Do you mind if we stop and just cuddle? I’m nervous about having to get up early for my flight.” I didn’t know what to say or do. My friends were at a club that was far from the hotel, I was all prepared to let my hair down with a guy that I met in our hotel and now all he wants to do is cuddle? I agreed to cuddle and as I was lying there; I began to realize that I couldn’t do it. I wanted his arm off of me immediately and I wanted to get back to my room as quickly as possible. I jumped up, grabbed my clothes and told him that I was leaving. I told him to not even get up out of bed and that I couldn’t sleep. He was stunned but I didn’t care. I went to my room, turned on the T.V. and laughed at the fact that even when I’m trying to be sexy in a different city that even that turns out to be a disaster.
Yesterday, we woke up late and had very little time to get ready in order to catch our bus back to the city. We updated each other on our evenings and we all were exhausted from the weekend that we ended up taking naps throughout the bus ride back.
Did I hear from my office crush over the weekend? Yes. He sent me photos of sunsets from his beach house. When I got back to the city, I went home, unpacked and got myself ready for the work week ahead.
Turn left. Turn right. Move forward. Go backwards. Stand still. All directions that we must face in life when we hit our crossroads and only we are responsible for making those moves. Do we stand still and let the world move around us? Do we move forward, saying goodbye to the what-ifs? Or do we do our best to focus on the present day? So many options that at times we can’t even make a single decision. I guess the best thing that we can do is embrace our choices, deal with the consequences and hope that we pick the right direction to move in.
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