According to Plan
Our lives are based on a series of plans. From the time we are born till our last breath, we are all programmed and destined to live our lives according to some certain plan. When we set off into the world of adulthood, there are certain milestones that we are supposed to hit. We are to go to college, have a successful career, fall in love, get married, have kids, buy a house, go on family vacations, retire and die. That is the general way we are to live our lives according to a certain kind of plan. But what happens when the plan you had set out for yourself falls of course?
My plan ever since I was a kid was to move to New York City and make something out of my life. I wanted to fall in love with an amazing man, have an amazing apartment in the West Village and have the most amazing friends that anyone can ask for. As of now, my plan hasn’t exactly stayed on the course that I had planned for myself but with that; I’ve been fortunate enough to achieve some of my plans. I did move to the city, I have experienced love and I have the most amazing friends that anyone can ask for. The rest…well…I think we are all still figuring our plans out.
One plan that I didn’t see coming was how my life was going to change based on my relationship with my office crush. The last time I spoke with him was two weeks ago after he told me via text message that he was not going to be breaking up with his girlfriend. When he told me that, I told myself that distance was what was best for us at that time and I stuck to my guns. No emails, no text messaging and no hanging out with him. I wouldn’t take away our friendship entirely but we needed to take a huge step back and go back to our friendship the way it originally began. No more sleepovers and no more mixed messages.
I stuck to my plan and for the past two weeks, I avoided him like the plague. I was thankful that for a good portion of those two weeks, he was traveling for work. When he was in the office, I made sure to walk in the opposite direction of his desk. My plan worked however, I wasn’t sure if he even knew that I was giving him the silent treatment. Another part of my plan that I wasn’t anticipating was how much I was going to miss him and how much my heart was going to hurt from his absence. I did everything in my power to keep myself busy and stayed focused on not contacting him.
Last Tuesday, I even went on a date with a guy that a friend set me up with. As we sat at the wine bar, Ardesia, there was no chemistry. He was a nice guy, handsome but he wasn’t my office crush. After two glasses of wine, I suggested that we call it an evening and my date wanted to make plans to see each other again but I told him that I wasn’t that interested in something with him on a romantic level but that if he wanted to be friends, we could certainly give that a try. I don’t think it was the news he wanted to hear but I wanted to be honest with him. He deserved that much.
The next day, after the gym, I still had some energy in me and decided to walk over to the bar, Barrage, and take myself out for a drink or two and then go home. As I sat at the bar, a guy walked in the bar and asked if he could sit next to me. I told him that the seat wasn’t taken and to feel free and sit down. All I wanted to do was to be left alone and I was doing my best to give off the energy that I wanted it to be just me and my cosmopolitan but he went in for the kill. He asked me my name and so began our conversation. He told me he lives in the West Village, works in the area of Hell’s Kitchen and works as a chiropractor. I wasn’t instantly attracted to him but he certainly wasn’t unattractive either. He offered to buy me another drink and I felt guilty for agreeing to the second drink but a free drink is a free drink. After the second drink, I told him that I needed to get home and he offered to walk with me a few blocks before catching the subway back home. On the walk up Ninth Avenue, he asked me for my number and I gave it to him and he said he would contact me to take me out to dinner the upcoming week. I knew I had to get myself back out there and so I gave him my number, something I rarely do and when he asked if he could kiss me, I offered my cheek. I’ve since heard from him and we are in the stages of planning something for this week.
Friday morning at the office and I’m holding my coffee and turning the corner of a very long hallway and just as I’m turning the corner, I bump into my office crush. We locked eyes and he said, “Oh hey. Hi. How are you?” I reply with, “Hi. I’m good.” And I kept on walking and I didn’t look back. A half hour later, the entire agency is gathered for a meeting to discuss the latest of what’s going on in our agency. At the end of the meeting, the president of the company gives my office crush a major compliment of all the excellent work that he has been doing. I went back to my desk after the meeting and thought it might be a good idea to send him an emailing congratulating him on his recognition at the agency. My message was short and sweet and his response back was as well. For the rest of that day, I stuck to my plan of avoiding him and having zero interaction with him.
It turns out that my number was up and I was walking with a coworker by his desk toward the end of the day; I heard, “Hey. Come here.” I turn around and it was my office crush talking to me. He motioned for me to sit at his desk. We work in a very open space and everyone can hear your business and apparently he didn’t have any shame in saying, “Where have you been? Why have you been ignoring me?” I said, “I am not discussing this at work in front of everyone.” We did our best to make small talk and by the end he said, “Well, I really think we need to talk. What are you doing after work?” I told him I had plans at six and he suggested we go downstairs to our local bar and talk before I had to leave to meet my friends. I didn’t know what to say or how to feel or what I was even going to say. Was I going to be honest? Was I going to let him off the hook? This was not in my plans at all.
I meet him downstairs and I order a glass of proseco and before I can even take a sip, he wants to know where the hell I’ve been and why I haven’t been in touch with him. I was thankful that we weren’t having this conversation while we were drunk but I was also hoping that I could at least be buzzed in order to have the courage to say what I needed to say. I took a deep breath and told him exactly how I felt and the reasons behind my silent act. I told him that our relationship was becoming too intense, the mixed messages were too much for me to handle and that if you are going to be with your girlfriend than he really needed to get behind his decision. The look on his face was an expression I had never seen him make. He looked hurt, sad, confused and then I got angry at the fact that he didn’t have the slightest clue as to why I would be upset with him. I told him, “You can’t say that you love me, in whatever capacity that love is and not expect me to react.” He looked down at his beer and then back to me and said, “Well, I do love you. So what are we supposed to do about this?” I didn’t have an answer because now it was me that had the look of hurt, sadness and confusion.
We needed to change the subject and fast. We need to take make this stop before we said anything else that would confuse our situation. I asked a question about his girlfriend and he got upset and said, “I want to make a pact right now. I never want to talk about her with you again.” I agreed with him. We then started talking about our weekend and he said he had a BBQ on Saturday. I told him that it sounds like a nice weekend that he had planned out and he said, “Well, also, I’m seeing you on Sunday. Do you have any plans?” I didn’t have any plans and I wasn’t quick enough on my feet to make any fake plans up. I said, “Look. Don’t make any promises you can’t keep. You will probably be too hungover on Sunday and will cancel and you will piss me off all over again.” He responded with, “Let me surprise you by following through with Sunday.” I agreed with him.
After the drinks, we managed to pick-up where we left off two weeks ago and so we walked for a few minutes. I was walking him to the path train so that he could be with his girlfriend in New Jersey and I was going to be meeting my friends on Bleecker Street. We arrived at the Christopher Street path train and I told him to have a nice weekend and maybe I will see him on Sunday. As I began to walk away he calls for me and I turn around and he says, “Come here. Let me hug you.” We hug and I break the hug and walk away. I didn’t have time to process all that had just happened because I was already running a few minutes late to meet my friends for drag queen bingo. I get to the bar and my friend could tell I was a little frazzled. I give him the highlights and he doesn’t really know what to say. We sit down at a table and before the bingo starts, I get a message from my office crush and it was thanking me for talking with him again and that he missed me a lot. I didn’t respond because I wanted to focus on my friends. During the bingo game, I actually won and got on stage to collect my prize which was a marijuana handkerchief. Once the game was over with, I rushed over to meet a different friend over at Julius for a few drinks. At this point in the night, I was rather drunk and so after a few beers; my friend hailed me a cab and I went home to pass out and not think about what had transpired over the last several hours.
The next day, was one of the most gorgeous days the city had seen in probably over a year. The temperature was close to 80 degrees and so a bunch of us all decided to have a day in Central Park. We all brought snacks and booze and stayed in sun for several hours. It was a perfect day and the city was alive. After the park, we went to hangout at a friend’s apartment in Chelsea before heading out for the night. After that, a friend and I decided to go to the Eagle for a few beers. A few beers turned into the time of 3:30 in the morning and we both were not walking in a straight line. Once again, I was thrown in a cab and taken home.
When I woke up yesterday, I was not in the best shape. Part of me knew that the chances of my office crush canceling our plans were a high probability. Then around 1 p.m. he sent a text message and confirmed our plans. I was in shock and also knew that I needed to pull myself together. The plan was to meet at my favorite wine bar, Lela Bar and then we both would go home…separately.
I arrived first at the wine bar and he showed up a few minutes later. I told him how surprised I was that he followed through with him surprising me. We drank wine, talked about our families, Seattle and avoided the topic of our relationship, his girlfriend and stayed focused on enjoying each other’s company. There was a jazz band playing and I got fixated on the music and as the woman was singing, Somewhere Over the Rainbow, my eyes began to fill with happy tears. I was hoping that he wasn’t looking at me but when I turned to look at him he was smiling and had a napkin in his hand to give to me. He said, “That’s one of the many reasons why I love hanging out with you. You are so sensitive and so human.” Then he asked a question that I wasn’t prepared for, “So, do you love me?” I replied with, “In what capacity? As a friend or in a Brokeback Mountain way?” He laughed and I said I couldn’t answer him at this time. He apologized for the mixed messages and asked what I was doing after the wine. I told him I was going home and he said, “Come home with me. It’s still early and we are having so much fun.” I told him that we had already talked about no more sleepovers, no more hanging out at his apartment and that it is simply too confusing. He was disappointed and so I said that I would pay the bill for the evening since he did surprise me with coming to the wine bar. He paid the bill and as for me…well…I paid for the cab back to his apartment.
When we arrived at his apartment, we sat and talked more about life, the places we want to travel or live next and we both knew that nothing will ever be resolved. I confessed to him that I am going on dates this week, that I am putting myself back out there and that I should be leaving to head back to the city to go to bed. He asked me to stay the night with him and I did. When we got into bed, we both looked at each other and he grabbed my hand and then we both fell asleep. We woke up this morning, I came to work in the same clothes that I was wearing yesterday and we commuted into work together.
The plans we set out for ourselves can be rather interesting at times. Sometimes they work to our advantage and other times they can lead us into total and utter confusion. I guess that is why the famous Woody Allen saying goes a little something like this, “If you want to make God laugh; tell him your plans.”
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