There will be thousands of moments in our lives from childhood till our last breath that we do things that simply don’t make sense to the outside world. Moments that can define us, change the world, hurt someone or even hurt ourselves. As we get older and each year that goes by, we are, in theory; supposed to be getting wiser. Yet, even with all the life experiences and tools that we have access to; we still do impulsive and crazy things that we know are simply wrong for us. We eat bad food; we drink alcohol, breathe in polluted air and even fall for people that are wrong for us. Does this make us crazy or simply human?
This week’s entry might be one of my most vulnerable ones to date. It’s because I already know the future. I already know how this story will end. I already know what everyone is going to say and I know that in my heart of hearts; I know what is best for protecting myself. Yet, this is what I consider to be the “crazy” part…the part where this boy becomes “interrupted”.
My week started off with me being extremely exhausted from my Boston trip with my office crush. I was still on a high from having such a wonderful weekend and I simply had no idea what the future was going to hold. I hadn’t even the slightest idea if my office crush and I would ever hangout again on a social level. If I was being honest with myself, which I was already, I wanted to spend time with him again on a social level. However, I wasn’t going to tempt fate.
On Tuesday, I went to visit my friend who just moved from Chelsea into my area of Hell’s Kitchen. As I sat on his bed and we talked about how he wanted to decorate, I updated him on my current situation. All he could say was, “How does this stuff always happen to you?” There is no answer to that. Maybe I allow that stuff to come into my life rather than shutting it down before it gets too far. Maybe I want it to be in life because I live better when life is chaotic. Or maybe I’m just a typical drama queen. I’m sure it’s combination of those things plus the fact that I will never give up on that search for someone that makes you smile. After I left my friends’ apartment that night, I didn’t feel any different about my current situation. The only thing I knew was that I was heading toward danger vs. safety.
I had plans to meet two old coworkers of mine on Thursday at my new local bar, The Tippler. During the day, my office crush and I were messaging about our plans for that night and the weekend ahead. He told me that his weekend was going to spent helping his girlfriends’ friend move in Queens and that he might meet up with me at some point that weekend. I knew that he was never going to show up to anything that weekend with me because he needed to spend time with his girlfriend. So, we decided that he would join me and my old coworkers for a few drinks that evening and that we would behave ourselves with the amount of drinking.
He and I go downstairs to the bar and have a few drinks before everyone arrives. During our drinks, he asked me if it was alright if two current coworkers of ours join the party. I never met these coworkers before but I live by the philosophy of, “the more the merrier.”
Now, everyone is at a table and I’m doing my best to catch-up with my old coworkers while also trying to get to know the current ones. The drinks are flowing and everyone is having a good time. I over hear my office crush tell the new coworker how he and I actually know each other. I hear him say, “Basically he and I are dating. We hang out all the time and he’s spent the night several times now at my apartment.” It was a joke but it was also a reality. I did my best to ignore the comment and continue with having a good time.
Several drinks later and my office crush leans into me and says, “What are we doing after this? Shall we continue the party?” It was only 9 p.m. and the party was winding down with everyone wanting to go home or have dinner. I tell him, “We can continue but we can’t have too late of a night.” Next thing I know, it’s me, my office crush and a new coworker all on the subway heading to Brooklyn. We get off on the Lorimer stop on the L train and as we are walking to a bodega to pick-up beers; the new coworker that I just met that night asked the question, “So, are you guys sleeping together or what exactly is this and when are you two getting married?” He was joking but he kept pointing out how much chemistry we had and how there was no judgment if we were doing anything on the side. My office crush just played along with the joke and said he and I would get married in Nantucket. It was all playful and I just did my best to keep my mouth shut for I didn’t even know what to say or do.
We get to my office crushes apartment and there we begin to talk and listen to music and we all were acting like we didn’t have work the next day. We talked about their relationships, sex, work and the future. It was all drunk talk but I still found myself having an amazing time. Finally, around 11:30 p.m. the new coworker said he needed to get home and he wished us both a good night. He already knew that I was going to be staying the night. We said our goodbyes and now it was just me and my office crush.
I told him that I wasn’t going to get up early to go all the way home in order to go back downtown to the office. He said he might have a shirt for me to wear and a pair of underwear that is too small for him that I could wear. So, we put a load of laundry in his washer and we waited till the cycle of laundry was done before putting it in the dryer and going to bed.
As the load of laundry began, we sat on his bed and began talking. I should say, he did the talking and I did the listening. It was late, we were drunk and I just let him say what he wanted to say. He said, “I’m so glad that you are here. It’s crazy but it’s hard to sleep in my bed alone when you aren’t around. I’ve gotten spoiled. You should just move in.” I kicked him and told him to shut up and that would never happen. He said a few more silly things but as we put the clothes in the dryer, he gave me specific instructions on which shirt would fit for the next day for work. We got back into his bed and before we both passed out, he said, “I just want to say that I every single day that we hang out or get to know each other; it makes me happier.” I wasn’t sure what to say and I responded with, “Did you set the alarm?” It was one of the nicest things I had heard from anyone in a really long time and I didn’t know how to react. He turned off the lights and we both went to sleep.
The alarm went off and as he remained in bed; I proceeded to get ready in my fuzzy state of mind. I was exhausted because I didn’t sleep well at all that night. I kept repeating all those nice things he said to me over and over in my head and I began to become “interrupted.” I knew he was talking all this nonsense due to the alcohol and I also knew that this was one big mind-game. I knew every single thing that was happening and yet it kept me up half the night. As I was getting ready, I didn’t know what shirt was the one I was told to wear and I picked the shirt that I could find. It was a size large and it swam on me. Not to mention that I was also wearing a pair of his underwear that was also a little too big for me. I tried to tuck in the size large shirt in my jeans but with underwear that didn’t properly and a shirt that was two sizes too big; I looked like I was wearing a diaper. So, I just wore the large shirt untucked and proceeded to go to work. Before I left, I told him goodbye and he said, “I can smell you…smells good.” I didn’t say a word and proceeded to head to the subway into the city.
I got to work that morning and everyone at the office knew that I was wearing a shirt that wasn’t mine. I lied to them all and said it wasn’t mine but I didn’t tell them whose it was. Work was super busy that day and I wasn’t in the right state of mind. I managed to make it through work past 4 p.m. and I couldn’t take it anymore. I wanted to go home and just wash the previous night away. My office crush and I did speak a little bit during the day and he even laughed at my ridiculous outfit. I told him that I would wash it when I got home so that it wouldn’t smell like me and all he could say was, “Oh shut up. You know I’ve told you several times that I like that smell.” I wished him a good weekend and I went home.
All I wanted to do was go home, shower and crawl under the covers but my friends refused to let that happen. Instead, they invited me over to their apartment for lobster, filet mignon and wine. I purposely showed up wearing track pants and my comfiest of clothes because I knew they would want to go out and I would at least have an excuse not to go out and make even more bad choices. True to form…my friends went out and I took myself home for a proper night rest.
The next day, I woke up feeling rested yet still trying not to let myself go crazy over this development. My friends and I went to brunch that afternoon and over brunch they tried to pry as much details on my love life as possible but I just wasn’t ready to get the many lectures that were going to come with it. So, instead, we drank, ate and then they all noticed that our waiter really liked me. I went along for the ride and when I went to the restroom, they wrote my number down and gave it to the waiter. Of course, the waiter never called and that was fine but I knew deep down why my friends even gave out my number. They were protecting me. They know that I should be with a gay man and a confused straight man. They are rather protective over me and that is something I cherish but also know that I like to do things on my own and never ask for help.
After brunch, we stopped by a few art galleries and then onto Porchlight for more drinks. After the drinks, we went back to my friends’ apartment that was nearby and that is when I finally got my lecture. I knew it was a matter of time before my friends were going to gang up on me and give me the stern talking to that I needed. However, I came prepared for my retaliation. They asked for the play by play on what exactly was going on between me and my office crush. So, I gave it to them, they kept interrupting to give their thoughts, opinions, etc. I told them to let me finish and then they can say what they needed to say once I was done.
The set-up of this even was kind of funny. They all were sitting across on the couch and I was standing up telling my story in the most dramatic fashion. When I was done, they all said exactly what I knew they were going to say. How I was crazy. How I’ve already done this before. How can I do something like this knowing what the end result is going to be and how foolish I am to even be doing this quasi-relationship with someone that I work with. I took all their comments in and as they all sat there on that couch, I looked at them all, all of them are in relationships and all of them are just as insane as the one that I was in. I told them that they haven’t been in the dating world in many years and things have changed dramatically. How can they sit there and tell me these things when their very own relationships function outside the norm. How most of them can’t wait to get away from their partner even for just a night. It’s not like I’ve blocked all men from talking to me, from asking me out or even finding that great love. I’m still wide open and ready for something wonderful to come along. I just happen to be hanging out with someone that makes me laugh, makes me smile and that I have great conversations with. The sex part is missing but hell…that is most couples these days anyhow. I think they all got the point but in the end their biggest concern is watching me get hurt yet again and for that; I can’t blame them for getting on my case. For that reason alone, I should let things go and put my energy toward something or someone else. However, I can’t. I don’t want to and if that makes me crazy than slap the label on me now because I do know myself and I know when to walk away; I’ve had plenty of practice.
After we settled all the talk about my love life; we were now ready to head to the Upper East Side for a couple of friends of ours were hosting a game night. At the game night, we all had so much fun playing games and around 1 a.m. we decided to leave that apartment and go for one more nightcap to this bar that none of us had been to called, The Toolbox. It was an interesting tiny bar that had the oddest patrons. We literally had one beer and all called it a night. I went to bed that night feeling exhausted from a mental and physical stand point. I knew that everything that everyone was saying to me was the right thing. I did my best to shut the noise off in my mind and focus on getting rest.
Yesterday morning, I woke up and still felt exhausted. I was lying on the couch around 2 p.m. when my girlfriend called me and told me that she had just been in a fender-bender and asked if I was around for comfort. She also had her two year old son with her and thankfully both were alright. She picked me up on my corner and from there we went to my friends’ restaurant, the John Dory. There we had a few drinks before making our way to our other friends’ new bakery, Sweethaus. There we had dessert before heading to a light dinner at this bbq place. As we walked toward the bbq place, the places all looked familiar to me and that was because we were literally around the corner from my office crushes’ apartment. I contacted him because it was a silly coincidence. I knew where he was at based on how he was responding to me; he was with his girlfriend and that was fine with me. We all were exhausted from our weekend and after dinner we all took the subway home and I was in bed at a descent hour finally.
We all do crazy things to ourselves. Some might view it as someone with low self-esteem and others might see our crazy acts as an act of rebellion. Maybe we do the crazy things that we do to ourselves because we still have hope that one of these days things will turn around and all that crazy will somehow make sense to the rest of the world. Regardless of how we become “interrupted” what we need to know is that no matter who comes in our lives and who leaves our lives; they are all brought into our lives for a specific reason.
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