Dazed and Confused
We’ve all experienced a certain level of emotions where we can’t pin point what we are feeling. It can drive us mad, it can leave us feeling breathless and other times it can make us feel downright frustrated. What’s even more frustrating than not being able to identify the emotions that you are feeling is when you know that only YOU can fix your situation. There’s no one else to blame but yourself for your current state of madness. Which is when you know that between the mixed emotions and not certain which direction to go; can all leave us at times feeling…Dazed and Confused.
It all started with last Wednesday when an ex-boyfriend of mine had asked me two weeks prior if I wanted to see a movie with him. We haven’t dated in over ten years and there has always been a level of flirtation between us over the past decade and so when he not only asked me to see a movie but he picked the same movie theatre that we saw our very first movie together ten years ago; I couldn’t help but feel a little confused. I should also mention that this ex-boyfriend has a current boyfriend in which they live together and are also moving to California very soon.
Before the movie last Wednesday, he asked if we could go to dinner at Lil Frankie’s in the East Village. He was waiting for me when I showed up to the restaurant. When I arrived, he never mentioned that he was bringing other friends along with him. It was a sign that I was going to need some red wine with this meal. I ordered a small carafe of cabernet and began to listen to everyone catch each other up. There I was with my ex-boyfriend and his friends, in which, all were in couples and doing the “couple” conversation. Every sentence started with “we” and then all the questions that were directed at me were about my love/sex life.
After the meal, I was in no mood to sit down and see a movie. Luckily, neither were they and so we walked over to the bar, Phoenix, had a few beers and in typical “couple” fashion. The couples were telling their partners that it was getting late and how they needed to either feed their animals or had to be at work early the next day. The one person that was missing from this entire evening was my ex-boyfriends current partner and thus left us with some time to chat. My ex-boyfriend was a little tipsy at this point and he began to try and tell me how I might be the “one” that got away. I knew at this point that it was the alcohol that was doing the talking and suggested that we just call it a night and walk to the subway. The cold air certainly helped sober me up and while it wasn’t doing much help for my ex-boyfriend; all his rambling turned me completely off. There was nothing confusing about this situation. I knew why he was saying all these words to me and it’s because he’s not in love and is moving to try and fix something that is broken. Part of me wanted to show compassion and the other part of me just wanted to go home and end the evening. I listened to him go on and on until we finally reached the Union Square subway station and gave him a hug and wished him the best of luck. I’m not sure I will ever see him again but I knew that night that even after ten years had already gone by; I knew I made the right choice by leaving the relationship all those years ago.
The rest of the week was spent gearing up for a much needed trip outside of the city. I was going to Boston on Friday and returning back on Sunday evening. My plan was to visit my best girlfriend and her boyfriend at their house for the weekend for some sight-seeing and of course checking out what Boston had to offer. There was something different about this trip and that was that I wasn’t going alone. I was bringing my office crush with me. Our plan was to take the Bolt Bus from the city to Boston together. He would meet my friends and then he would visit his best friend and his best friend’s fiancé and we would potentially meet up along with the way over the weekend. Then on Sunday, we would both take the Bolt Bus back together.
I woke up on Friday and began to run as many errands before meeting him around noon in order to get ready for the 1 p.m. bus that would be getting us into Boston at 5:15 p.m. I met him on the corner of 34th and 9th Avenue and from there we went to a deli to wait inside from the wintery mix that was falling from the sky. In the deli, he bought us both these cute desserts and we decided to mix up our drinks with travel size booze that we had picked up for the bus ride. Finally, it was time for us to get on this bus that was taking us to Boston. I hadn’t been on a bus in years and I hadn’t been to Boston in over ten years. So, I was treating this trip as if it was my first time ever being to the state.
Once we were on the bus, he and I talked for hours. We covered so many things and we were laughing so much. We shared an awful lot and of course his girlfriend never came up. I did know that she was on a trip of her own for the weekend and that the relationship is on the outs. Instead of talking about relationships, he talked about all the places he wanted to show me while we were in Boston. He had lived there his entire twenties and was even thinking of one day moving back. I guess our plans were already changing for I assumed he was going to be with his friends the entire trip while I spent my time with mine.
We finally got to Boston and I couldn’t stop smiling. Maybe it was the vodka or maybe it was the fact that I was on some mini-vacation but either way; I was feeling dazed and NOT confused. My girlfriends’ boyfriend picked us up at the South Station in Boston and from there they immediately bonded. It was insane how fast these two guys just started talking about video games and sci-fi movies that I had never heard of. While they were talking about boring stuff, I was taking in the city. It was also snowing in Boston like it was back in New York but I didn’t care. On the train to my girlfriends’ apartment, my coworker pointed out all the sights and what certain things meant around the city.
Finally, we arrived at their house; I gave my best girlfriend the biggest hug and introduced her to my coworker. We were given the tour of the house and the first thing my girlfriend whispered to me was about my coworker and all she said was, “He’s gay.” She smiled and continued with the tour. I giggled and continued with the tour. Once we were done with the tour, we opened a bottle of proseco and came up with a game plan for the evening. It turns out that my coworker was now staying with us for the night.
We decided that I should try my first official New England clam chowder and lobster roll. So we all got ready and went over to a place near Harvard. Over dinner, my coworker said to my friends, “Did you know that he and I have slept together three times now?” He was being silly and was referring to the fact that we have slept in the same bed together already three times since we’ve been hanging out. It was becoming more and more flirtatious and I just let the chips continue to fall where they may. Of course, now I was getting my emotions slightly dazed and slightly confused. However, I was beaming from ear to ear, not because of him, but because I missed my friends so much. I was in a fun city and we had only been there two hours and I wasn’t even thinking about New York.
After the dinner (which he paid for everyone), we went to a bar where I learned what a “horse hitch” is and the bar was great but we all wanted more. He then suggested we go to this dance club that he used to be a bouncer at. He knew so much about this city and even my friends were impressed. We took a cab to this club called, Middlesex, and there we danced for hours. It was so much fun and after we were done dancing, we thought it would be a great idea to go back to their house and play games. We got back to their place, had more proseco and played Pictionary till about 3 a.m. The boys still wanted to stay up and play video games but my girlfriend and I knew that we would just be in the way, so we decided to go and pass out. As I was telling everyone goodnight, I leaned in to give my coworker a hug and instead, he grabbed my face and kissed me. I hit him upside the head and went to bed to pass out. He joined me in bed at a very ugly hour in the morning and there we slept…no sex.
The next morning, we all were running a little slow but my excitement to see the city in the daylight outweighed my hangover. He decided that he was going to see his buddy and spend the day/night with him and that we would see each other the next day at the bus station and go home together. He left and that gave me time to spend with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. We all got dressed and before we left the house, I got a text message from the guy asking where I was. I told him we were on our way to the Fairmont Copley Hotel for drinks.
When we got out of the subway, there was a message from him saying he was meeting us at the hotel with his friend. We all had amazing drinks and appetizers at this gorgeous hotel and as we all sat there and got to know each other; I just couldn’t stop smiling. I was having fun in Boston and here was something I thought I’d never say…I was falling a little in love with the city. Everyone was so nice, the city was so damn clean and the company was rather spectacular.
After we settled the bill (which I paid for everyone as a thank you for having me), we went to this bar called, Champions, which is a sports bar to watch some hockey game and where his friend’s fiancé finally joined us. We continued drinking at the sports bar and it was decided over a sports game that afterwards, we would head over to a drag queen bar to bookend the evening. The place was called, Jacques, and was crowded but we managed to get seats for all six of us. The show was really entertaining and we all were getting pretty tipsy at this point.
The show was over with and the evening was slowing down for his best friend and fiancé. I assumed that my friend was going to stay the night with them but instead he asked if he could stay with us. None of minded at all and we all said goodbye to these new people we met and the rest of us took a cab back to my friends’ house.
Once we got back, we played cards, drank and talked till really late into the morning. We went to bed that night and he told me how amazing my friends are and how nice they were for letting him basically crash the entire weekend. I told him that is the kind of friends that I have and we both passed out.
Sunday morning and coffee is being drunk and we are all reminiscing about the weekend events that had occurred. Our bus was scheduled to leave at 1 p.m but as we looked at the clock and it had already showed that it was 11:30 a.m. he told me that we should just take a later bus because there was some things in the city that he still wanted to show me. I agreed and my girlfriend and her boyfriend had to leave by four in order to have dinner with her family, so we all got ready and left for an area called, Beacon Hill.
It was just he and I walking around the city and he giving me all this information on the buildings, the parks, etc. Finally, we stumbled upon a bar called, Sevens. We sat the bar, had a few beers and began to talking our great talks that we seem to always have. I told him not to tell me the time because I didn’t want to go. The bartender fell in love with me and gave me a t-shirt that had the bar’s logo on it and finally I asked him what time it was. It was 6:30!!!! We still didn’t buy a new bus ticket and who knew when the next one was and what time we’d be getting into the city. We paid our bill, said goodbye to the new people we met in the bar and rushed over back to the South Station where it all began.
When we got to the bus station, it was crowded and the bus to get back to the city appeared to be rather crowded and the next bus wasn’t until 9:30. As we stood in line to determine what we should do, we suggested at the same time to just find a cheap hotel and stay one more night and catch the earliest bus back to the city. It was impulsive, it was crazy and neither one of us wanted the weekend to end. I told him that I would get the hotel if he got the tickets.
We found a cheap hotel room, threw our bags down and went back out into the city and began to bar hop till almost midnight. At our last bar, we were having drinks when he told me that I deserved a much better ride than a bus back to the city and he surprised me with getting us two tickets on the Amtrak!!!! I knew they were expensive but he didn’t seem to care. We got back to our hotel room, passed out and the alarm went off at 4 a.m. It was brutal. It was rude and I certainly woke up feeling more dazed and confused than ever.
We didn’t really speak at that horrible hour and we slept the entire train ride back into the city. I know that every single person reading this, including myself, knows how this story will end. I will develop feelings, I will get hurt and my work life will become a living hell. There is nothing dazing or confusing about this entire situation. I’m hanging out with a straight man with a girlfriend that also happens to be a coworker. The writing is on the wall and it reads: GET THE HELL OUT NOW!!!!
That feeling that we all experience from time to time of feeling like we are in a daze or rather we are confused can leave us feeling desperate. Desperate for some clarity, yearning for the right answer or a path that will lead us in the right direction. I guess there will be times where we deny ourselves what is right and just see where the wind takes us; maybe that wind will one day blow away and leave us no longer feeling dazed and confused but rather we are left feeling, focused and determined.
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