Sense and Sensibility
We live in a world where we are raised to trust our natural instincts, our senses and to be sensible about the choices we make in our lives. For we all know that the choices we make now affects our future. However, what happens when we lose our senses and are no longer sensible about the choices we make? Are we destined to therefore always have bad luck or if we never take a chance at all, do we live the same day over and over again? Is it better to live a sensible life or a life full of unknown chances?
Last Monday I found myself questioning my choices. I had gone on two fun dates this month with the guy that is in the middle of getting a divorce from his husband and we were in constant communication with each other. So, when I made the choice to go on a date with someone new last Monday, I felt a slight tinge of guilt. I knew from dating for so long that just because you have two dates that doesn’t mean you are exclusive but there was still a part of me that felt guilty sitting across a new guy having wine at, Medi, in Hell’s Kitchen. What made me feel even guiltier was that I was more attracted and liked this new guy better.
The new date and I talked about all the places we have traveled, our love of New York and it felt like a more natural flow. By the end of the date, we agreed that we would go on a second date and both confessed how nice it was to finally meet (we had scheduled and rescheduled this date for over a month). He kissed me goodbye and as of today, we are finalizing plans for date number two sometime this weekend. Did it make sense to go on a date while I had the other nice guy that had also had a lot to offer? Yes. It made perfect sense to not put all my eggs in one basket. My guilt began to subside once I got home and talked myself into knowing it was perfectly alright to go on a date with someone else.
The next day, work was business as usual and there had begun talk of hiring me full-time after freelancing for the past five months. Things were in motion and it all made sense. However, I was hesitant to entertain the commitment to full-time based on not wanting to deal with all the politics that go along with office jobs. The sensible thing would be to accept the job and continue my search for the dream job. As of today, we are still in negotiations.
On top of the job news, I got a text from the guy I had the great two dates with on Tuesday afternoon. He said he was feeling spontaneous and asked if I wanted to grab dinner in my area around 7 p.m. I knew I had to rush and pick-up my taxes in Brooklyn and told him that I could do dinner and I picked a cute little Italian place. Of course, I was running late and it wasn’t by five or ten minutes but I was a half hour late due to the train coming from Brooklyn back into the city. When I finally arrived, he was sitting at a table with a bottle of red wine already poured and waiting. I felt horrible for having him wait but he said it gave him a chance to catch up on emails.
As we sat there, I was having a good time but not as good of a time as I should’ve been for a third date. There weren’t any butterflies or stomach flips but I was having a complacent time. I did my best to stay focused because here was this really nice guy that was really proving how into me he was. He asked if my hesitation of getting to know him more was based on his current divorce situation. I told him that it actually wasn’t an issue for me. It should be an issue for me since the divorce isn’t finalized but there was something missing. I couldn’t make sense of it at all. I decided to just let things flow naturally and after we settled the bill, we went next door to, Barrage Bar, for two drinks before calling it a night. At the bar, he asked about hanging out on Sunday and I agreed. I didn’t want to cancel him out so quickly and maybe I was just having an off night. He walked me to my corner and there he kissed me and he took a cab home. I knew I wouldn’t have to deal with putting any labels on the situation for the rest of the week because the rest of the week was solely focused on my friends.
Wednesday and Thursday was really nice. Work continued to get better and the negotiations were starting to work in my favor and my mind was starting to lean toward doing the sensible thing. Also, my office crush at work was starting to develop. I don’t know if this man is gay or not but we chat, we message each other every now and again and he always says hi to me when passing each other through the halls. Our office was having its big holiday party that Friday and at the time, I wasn’t invited since I was freelance and so he said he was bummed when he found out that I couldn’t attend. Then on Wednesday, as the negotiations continued, I received an email from HR, personally inviting me to the gala that was this past Friday. I knew I could only attend a few hours since I had a concert in Brooklyn later that night but I figured it would be a good time to surround myself with these potentially new coworkers. Plus, secretly, I was hoping that my office crush would at least talk to me outside of the office.
I woke up on Friday and I was somewhat excited because things seemed to be falling into place with my writing, with all of my friends and while my relationship side may always be hectic, I felt calm about its current status. So, I got dressed up, put on the Dior and walked out of my apartment ready for whatever was lying ahead for the day.
People at the office complimented on how nice I looked. The HR Department contacted me and said they will have something finalized for me this week in regards to a contract and I was now ready to party at the gala. The gala was being held at the Chelsea Piers and it was one of the coldest nights of the year that night and so, we walked a few blocks from the office to the piers and it felt like the longest walk ever since it was so damn cold. When we finally arrived, I checked my coat and instantly rushed to the bar for champagne. While I was trying to stay focused on these new co-workers lives and trying to socialize with them, my mind kept wondering off to see if my office crush was going to arrive for I hadn’t seen him yet.
I’m now three glasses of champagne into the party and my senses were starting to get slightly fuzzy. However, I was speaking with my new team, when I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned around and there was my office crush. All my new team members instantly left us alone to talk and there we talked about the party, where each of us lives in the city and then he said that he was from Seattle and that he was looking at real estate in a small town that I grew up for a little bit. I knew we were talking a bit too much and people might begin to gossip, so I excused myself and before I left he said he had better see me on the dance floor.
More champagne and I’m shaking my ass on the dance floor with the ladies when I feel another tap on my shoulder and it’s the office crush. I wanted to dance with him but I still don’t know if he’s gay and I didn’t want people to talk and so, I smiled and continued dancing with the ladies. Then the time was 9 p.m. and I had to leave the party in order to get to Brooklyn in order to see my friend’s band play at some dive bar. As I was leaving, I knew I had to say goodbye to my office crush before I left. I found him at the bar and then I tapped him on the shoulder and told him that I was leaving. I could tell he was disappointed and I said, “I’ll see you on Monday.” Then he said, “You sure will but I have to tell you that you smell really good.” I thanked him for the compliment and stumbled out to catch a cab with some coworkers. In the cab, two other coworkers shared a cab with me to Brooklyn and we gossiped about everyone and then the topic of my office crush came up and they all said, “He is gay and crushing on you hard.” I was just drunk enough that I thought I should invite him to a party the next night at my friend’s apartment. I realized I didn’t have his phone number and they suggested I find him on Facebook. So, I did and messaged him. I didn’t hear from him all weekend and then this morning, we began chatting at the office and he confessed that he never sees Facebook messages and suggested we go out for drinks this Thursday and so that is now on the calendar for this week. Not sure where this will lead, my sensible side tells me this is going to blow up in my face but I’m going to take a risk and see what this is all about.
On Saturday, oddly enough, I only woke up tired and not hungover. Therefore, I cleaned the apartment, went to the gym and did all of this before 2 p.m. when I needed to head over to my friend’s apartment to help him set-up for his party. The theme was, tequila and tamales, and it was mainly for his birthday and boy did we celebrate. We drank, ate a ton of food and despite the snowy weather, forty people managed to show up and party with us. I left a little bit after 1:30 a.m. and I left with such a wonderful sense of happiness. It was great being around such amazing people celebrating life. Even though the northeast has been getting our asses kicked with cold temperatures somehow, I felt warm knowing how lucky I am. Plus, I had a lot of booze in my system to also keep me warm.
Yesterday morning and it was the day of my fourth date with the nice guy. We had agreed that he would come over to my apartment to watch the Oscars and order in. This was going to be our “comfortable” date. Usually, I don’t let men into my apartment but I knew he was harmless and I was also lazy with all the going out and I wanted to relax. I told him to arrive as comfortable as possible because I would be wearing sweats and a hoodie.
He arrived with wine and I ordered us a pizza along with brownies for dessert. As we sat on the couch, watching the red carpet, I could tell that he wanted to fool around but I prolonged for as long as I could and finally I gave in. We didn’t have sex because I’m not ready nor am I sure I want to with him. Here was this really nice guy, a guy that messages me, wants to see me again, is rather complimentary and yet I just wasn’t all that into it. I couldn’t figure out why. He stayed till after ten and left. He told me that he had business trips this week and would be away this upcoming week. Maybe what I need is some time to figure things out and determine whether or not I want to pursue it. I think in this case, timing is perfect for this is what I need.
Listening to our senses is something that makes a lot of sense. There will be times when we don’t listen, throw caution to the wind and see where life takes us. Then there will be times when we must be sensible and do the responsible things for us and our loved ones. And of course, there will always be times when nothing makes any sense and we accept the cards we are dealt. In the end, it’s always safe to trust your instincts, listen to your sense and be sensible in all the things you do.
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