Every single day millions of people fake something. We fake a smile to a coworker as we walk the hallways at the office. We create fake identification cards to get into clubs when we are under age. We fake orgasms and we can even fake leather to appear authentic. The idea that we can fake anything these days terrifies me that we almost can’t differentiate between what is real and what is fake. Which had me thinking of the concept of whether or not it’s worth it to fake it or just be real? To fake it or not…that is the question.
I’ve been quiet on the blog front due to my brother’s wedding which occurred the last week of September in San Diego. I was honored when he asked me to be groomsmen in his wedding. It’s a responsibility and one that you can’t even fake with. You must be present and available which can be hard to do when you are three thousand miles away. Like any wedding, you think you have all the time in the world when it comes to planning, traveling, etc. Then before you know it; the day arrives and you aren’t nearly as prepared as you would’ve hoped.
I left on a Wednesday a few days prior to the wedding and for the first time in a long time; I didn’t have any travel issues. The flight was smooth. The connections went on without a hitch and I was in San Diego before I knew it. I was able to spend time with family, walk along the beach and collect my thoughts for I knew that as the days drew closer to the wedding that the chaos would commence.
The rest of my family arrived on Thursday and it was rather nice to see them all. Of course, there were a few digs at my appearance and a ton of questions regarding my relationship status. On one hand, I’m extremely fortunate to have a family that supportive and wanting to see me happy. On the other hand, I felt at times embarrassed that I was showing up to my little brother’s wedding as a single when most around me were married, engaged or at least dating someone. Not to mention that I was older than all of them as well. While the ego took a few hits here and there; I knew that it wasn’t about me at all. It was about my brother and his fiancé. I was rather grateful that my brother’s friends enjoy the booze as much as I do; for that got me through some of my down moments. I thought I did rather well in faking that some of the comments made toward me didn’t hurt. In fact, no one had a clue. It was there, in those times, that I discovered that sometimes it’s alright to fake it in certain situations.
On Friday, the day before the wedding, most all of us were running around with our heads cut off. I still hadn’t picked up my suit for the wedding. I was getting calls from New York from places wanting me to interview with them and I was messaging with a guy that I had a met a few days prior to leaving the city. We had a great first date but then I had to focus on work and the wedding. He was pretty good with asking me how I was doing, what the weather was like in California and mentioned that he was looking forward to seeing me when I got back.
Our family, somehow and someway managed to pull it all together on that Friday to attend the rehearsal dinner. There were speeches made, wine drank and emotions over flowing. It was nice to see the family all together, mainly since I don’t get to see them as often as I like or should. After the dinner, my sister, my nieces and brother all gathered in his hotel room to talk, to update each other on our lives and have some peace before the big day. It’s rare that all three of us are in the same room at the same time. Finally, it was time to go to bed and get the rest we would need for the wedding.
Saturday otherwise known as: The Wedding Day. Family and friends were getting ready all around me. I was busy helping take care of my nieces while the curling irons were being heated, the make-up was being applied and there I was watching my nieces play in the pool. It was actually rather peaceful and there was such joy from my nieces and from me as I sat there watching them splash around. Finally, it was time to start getting the girls ready. I wasn’t paying too much attention to the time and before I knew it, my dad was telling me to get ready because we had to be ready for pictures by 3:30. When I looked at the clock it was 2:30! I did my best to get ready as fast as I could so that no one was sitting around waiting for me. Alas, my sister called me and told me that I was late and needed to be there in five minutes. I was late. Even the groom was ready before me. We managed to pull it all together and begin the wedding process with pictures.
The ceremony was lovely. It was outside, the sun was shining and even during their vows a flock of white birds flew over them in the shape of the letter V. All in all, it was a beautiful ceremony and there was no faking that. They were and are very much in love and happy with their selection in one another. It was finally onto dinner, drinks and dancing which is always my favorite part of any wedding. We had a good time and even my dad was on the dance floor. We ended the night with my sister and I having more heart to heart conversations while my nieces were fast asleep.
The next day, as I saw my family begin to leave back to Arizona and me staying behind one more day in California. I was sad that I wasn’t going to be seeing them for another few months. It was a whirlwind of a trip. It was a fast trip for me. I was running around and always managing to be late for things. Even my uncle gave me a lecture on the importance of being on time for things. It was worth every penny I had to get my ass to California in order to see my brother walk down the aisle. I went to bed early that night for my flight back to New York the next morning was an early one.
As I sat in the San Diego airport, fully checked-in and being told the flight was delayed due to fog in San Francisco. All I could think about was how anxious I was to get back to the city. I wasn’t sure why I was so anxious. Was it because I missed my friends? Or that I wanted to get back to writing or if at times the city is what makes me feel normal and calm. I never did figure out the reason why for my anxious state but once I landed in Newark Airport all my anxiety went away. I didn’t get home till midnight but after I took a shower, got into bed; I had a rather peaceful rest.
I was back to work at the new job bright and early last Tuesday and I even enjoyed riding the subway to work. Cleary, I missed the city.
On Wednesday, I worked a long day and then went over to my friend’s apartment where they cooked for me and I supplied the drinks. It was nice to see them and to catch-up on their lives. When it comes to my friends, we don’t need to fake anything. In fact, sometimes we are almost too truthful with each other. On Thursday, I had drinks with a friend at Annabelle, which is conveniently just a few blocks away from my apartment. He is a friend that I went on a few dates with earlier this year but I decided I wanted it to be a friendship rather than something romantic. However, after several glasses of rose wine; I could tell he was expecting me to offer him to come up to my apartment. As we were saying our goodbyes to one another by the subway station; he went in for the kiss. I allowed it to happen because he is a nice guy and paid for that last glass of wine that we had. Alas, I felt nothing from the kiss but I faked it and told him that it was nice to see him again. It was there, that I told myself that it’s really never alright to fake something romantic because that gives the person false hope.
Friday arrived sooner than I was expecting but I certainly didn’t have any problems with that. I ran some errands after work, hit the gym and migrated down to Chelsea to my friend’s apartment where we had cocktails and a long-overdue catch up session. After we caught each other up on our lives, we jumped in a cab toward the West Village. We started out at Pieces for one drink, then onto Ty’s for a beer and then ended up at Rock Bar where we met up with several other friends of ours. It was around 1 a.m. when I realized that the friend I arrived with managed to meet a guy and brought him back to his place. I told myself that I might as well go home and not be too hung over on Saturday for I had something rather important to do the next day.
Saturday morning and I woke up fresh and ready to go. However, the weather on Saturday in the city didn’t match my enthusiastic mood. It was raining but I was ok with that because I knew it was going to blow over in a few hours; which it did thankfully. When I was just starting out my morning I received a text message from the guy that I was going to be having my second date with. I should say here that when we first met a few weeks ago, he told me that he didn’t want to put any labels on anything. I was fine with that because I appreciated his honesty. However, between our first date, my brother’s wedding and receiving his text message early in the morning. I sense that his thoughts on labeling this had shifted. He told me he was looking forward to seeing me and mentioned something naughty. I laughed it off and told him that I would see him at 7:45 at Barrage bar.
I made sure not to message him during the day because that would be overkill and so as I ran my errands; I decided to see the movie, Gone Girl, all by myself. It felt so good to be in the city, shop, have lunch, walk around and see a movie. I was doing all the things that made me happy and the city was my playground. By the time I got home, I had just enough time to figure out what to wear that night and to get myself ready. I was only a few minutes late arriving at the bar and he was standing at the bar with his Coors Light. He gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek. I was going into this “drink date” (as he labeled it) with zero expectations. In fact, I had friends on back-up just in case this “drink date” turned into a “drink disaster. “
We got our drinks and sat in the corner and began to talk. Not only did we talk but we talked non-stop. We were laughing, sharing stories of our childhood and it was turning into an official date. A couple of hours into the date, we decided to do shots. I stuck with my tequila and he did a Jägermeister shot. I thought for sure that his shot was going to send him over the edge. Nope. The shot didn’t even faze him in the least. We were having an amazing time, kisses in between our storytelling and once we finished our beers. It was time for us to go…back to his apartment.
I hadn’t eaten one thing that day so between my shot of tequila, vodka and now beer. I was definitely feeling the alcohol. We stopped off at Duane Reade for a six pack of beer and got inside his apartment. I had been inside his apartment before because on our first date; he also took me back home. What can I say? I had no resistance toward him and there was no faking that. We still have never had full sex but his kisses were amazing the first time we met and they were great on our “drink date” as well.
Inside the apartment (which I desperately wanted to clean because he had clothes everywhere and dishes in the sink), we began to make out. The room was starting to slightly spin and in the most un-sexual manner; I told him that I wanted pizza. In the middle of a hot make-out session where I was down to my shirt and underwear, I stopped to have him order pizza. He was a gentleman and ordered the pizza for us. That change in plans took us from the bed to the couch where we cuddled, drank beer and watched a movie that he rented. As we relaxed on his couch, I watched the movie while he held me and he even fell asleep at one point. When the movie was over with, I woke him up and offered to go home (he only lives four blocks away from me). He told me, “No. You are staying the night with me.” I asked him, “Are you sure?” to which he responded with, “Duh. Of course I am.” I grabbed one his shirts and crawled into bed where he cuddled with me until I fell asleep.
The next morning, we both woke up on the early side and things heated up. It was great and there was a lot of chemistry. It’s funny that after everything is all said and done; you aren’t quite sure what to say. This is where one must fake things. You don’t want to stay too long at the fair but there is also a part of you that wants to stay; especially when there is such a fun connection. I managed to play it really cool and began to get dressed. We made small talk for it only being 9 a.m. on a brisk Sunday morning. He told me he would see me this week and as of today; our third date is scheduled for Friday. He gave me a kiss goodbye on the lips and on the forehead and I walked the few blocks back to my apartment where I crawled back into bed and basked in my delighted state of mind for a few hours.
The rest of the day was spent with me shopping, enjoying a really true fall day. It was the kind of day where if you stood in the sunlight you were warm and if you walked on the shaded side of the street you needed a light jacket. It was a perfect day. Me. The city and when I got home and started to get ready for bed; I got more text messages from the guy. It was the perfect bookend to a wonderful weekend.
There will be moments in life when we need to fake things. Sometimes that reason is to be polite or to hide from our truth. What I do know is that it’s never a good idea to fake it with yourself. Be honest even if it hurts. Never be ashamed, embarrassed of who you are, where you came from or even who you will become. Own your actions, own your words and don’t fake the small stuff.
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