"Update" NYC

The Power of Goodbye

Words can be a very powerful thing. Sometimes our words can even be stronger than our actions. As babies, our parents eagerly await for what our first word will be. Then, as we get older, we discover through harsh lessons that sometimes what we say to another human being can actually hurt them. Of course, there are also the times, where our words can change someone’s world for the better. The first time you tell someone that you love them or the first time you tell someone goodbye. In this day and age where we’ve settled for emails versus letters and text messages over a phone call. I couldn’t help but realize just how important the power of our words can be.

Each day, before I even leave my apartment, I make sure to take a few minutes to recognize my blessings. Last Monday, was no different than any other morning. The only difference was that I still hadn’t heard a word from the guy I was dating for a month. The last communication was that past Saturday when he told me “Hi” and that he was “Sorting through his thoughts.” It was his response to my many attempts to apologize from my drunken behavior from the now infamous Friday night that I got black-out drunk. It dawned on me that morning as I was getting ready for work that maybe his “hi” to me was actually his “goodbye.” I’d be lying to myself if I said that I wasn’t hurt by his harsh actions toward me. Who knew that the word “hi” could be considered so cold. There was nothing I could say or do anymore. If someone was capable of treating me that way, in the end, I know I should be with that person anyway.

That evening, I ended up celebrating St. Patrick’s Day with Feathers, his husband and a good friend of ours. Over dinner, Feather’s made an excellent point. He told me, “You had your guard up with him from the beginning. At best, you probably would’ve gained one more weekend with him before you would question everything. You knew your answer. This all happened for the reason of you never really trusting him.” He was right. With no trust there is no relationship. It was Feathers powerful words that actually helped me let go of some of the sadness that I was still holding for the way the relationship had ended.

The next day. Still no word from him but each day was getting better and better. I had already began the motion of beginning to talk to other guys and putting myself out there. Not really sure if it was for dating or just some simple validation. Not that I needed some strange man out there in cyber world to tell me wonderful things but if you take it with a grain of salt, it can’t hurt either. That evening I was having dinner with a friend in Chelsea. As he told me why he picked that area to have dinner in, I sat there and listened compassionately. We’ve known each other for years but don’t get to see each other that often and even had our own ups and downs in our relationship. However, when he told me that he was still dealing with the loss of his mother. It was as if someone took cold water and threw it right in my face. It was the wake-up call that I needed. Not knowing that a friend of mine could be hurting and I’m whining over some guy that disappears into thin air. After our meal, I think both of us felt better about our situations. He dropped me off at my apartment and I went to bed that night finally getting a descent night rest. Once again, it was the power of our words, us listening to each other that I felt strengthened our friendship and made me grateful that I still have him in my life.

On Thursday, I was having dinner with one of my best friends in Union Square. She picked this macrobiotic restaurant that was right across the street from the apartment that I used to live at. It was wild for I never really go down 12th Street but it still brought back memories of where I was and how far I’ve come. Over dinner, we updated each other on our lives and as she sat across from me telling me things about her future with children, marriage, career and even leaving Manhattan. It was one of those interactions where left I feeling exhausted. I wasn’t sure if it was because of all the news that was being presented to me or because I felt like I was barely living.

Friday night and I found myself standing in front of my mirror giving myself the once over before leaving. I was going to what I thought was going to be a simple tryst and afterwards; I was going to meet my friends for dinner. That was the plan. No muss and no fuss. The idea was to meet at a wine bar and see if there was any connection first. Seeing that I don’t do this often, I sent the address of where I was going to a friend just in case I ended up in a dark alley somewhere. Based on our messaging that we had been doing for a week, I found him to be on the romantic side. I wasn’t sure if I was ready for the romance part but I wasn’t going to shut that part of me off either.

I arrive at the wine bar, Bar Veloce and he is already sitting there waiting for me. He looks better in person than he did in his photos. Tall, tattoos and a nice smile. Instantly, I was attracted to him and he told me, “You have a great smile and smell amazing.” Ok. Whew. We were off to an excellent start. In my head, I thought, “Great opening line and after this glass of wine, we could set things into motion.” We talked about everything from food to careers and what brought us to the city. I felt like the chemistry was there and so after our glass, I that we would be going back to his apartment. Instead, he suggested we get a bottle since he was having such a great time talking with me. Who was I to turn down more wine?

After the bottle of wine, I didn’t know where the evening was going to take us. Not one clue. Was he going to invite me back to his place? Did I need to say something? I felt my phone vibrate and I knew it was my friends checking up on me. After he paid the bill, he said, “So, what do you want to do now?” I told him, “Well, we could go back to your place?” I was doing my best to not have this turn into a date. He didn’t want to go back to his place and instead suggested we go to the bar, XES. I should’ve politely declined going to the bar and went to meet my friends. Instead, I told him that one more drink would be nice. On the walk to the bar, he tried to hold my hand but I brushed it off and gave him a smile. When we walked into the bar, it was crowded and still filled with drunken people from happy hour.

When we got up to the bar, I gave the guy some money to get us a round of drinks while I went to the bathroom. On my walk to the bathroom, I heard my name being called out by five different people. I didn’t recognize the voices and when I turned around I was shocked to see who I saw. It was all of the guy that disappeared friends. All of them. All of which I’ve met a couple of times including the guy that I apparently offended. I wanted to run into the bathroom and pretend that I didn’t hear them but it was too late. I had turned around to give recognition that I heard my name. I also felt my stomach hit the floor for I assumed that the guy was somewhere in the bar with them. Thankfully, he was not there that night. Instead, I smiled and gave everyone a hug and a kiss. What I was also thankful for was that I wasn’t drunk. This time, I would remember everything that was said and play innocent. The guy’s name never came up and all of his friends were so kind to me. They said they missed me and wanted to get drinks sometimes. I said yes but knowing that my words actually meant that I wasn’t ever going to be getting drinks with them anytime soon. I excused myself for I had my date at the bar waiting for me.

I got back to my date and I shook of what had just happened and enjoyed the moment. As we were having our cocktail, he got a message and apparently it was an invite to some club. He asked if I wanted to go. I really wasn’t dressed in my “Let’s go to a club” attire but he gave me a kiss and said, “Pretty please.” When he kissed me, it felt odd. Not because he was a bad kisser but because he was the first guy I’ve kissed since the guy disappeared. I wasn’t sure if I should go to the club or not but he gave me the puppy dog eyes and truth be told, I was having an o.k. time. So, we finished our drinks and next thing I know, I’m in a cab heading to some club called, Berlin. I had never heard of this club and I told this guy that I wasn’t going anywhere unless we were on the list and I don’t stand in lines. He promised me that we would be hooked up and luckily, for him, we were on the list.

As I walked through the club, with the guy holding my hand and guiding the way; I looked around and noticed what was around me. All the guys were young…very young. I assumed the average age there was 24 or 25. My date for the evening, is 35 years old. When we got to the bar to order a drink and look for his friend that got us on the list, I knew I had to ask him right then and there. I asked, “The guys here seem a little young. Is this something you like?” He looked at me and said, “Well, that is why I started talking with you. You look a little younger for your age.” Fantastic. I’m on a date that just gave me a backhanded compliment, not to mention the expensive drinks that I just ordered and paid for and now I’m in some club with a bunch of twinkies bouncing around.

With our drinks in tow, we walked through the club to look for his friend. I looked down most of the time for fear of making eye contact with one of these twinkies who’d probably think I was their father spying on them. We finally caught up with his friend who was on the dance floor. My date handed me his drink and said, “I love to dance. I’ll be right back.” I stood on the sidelines, holding his drink while he danced by himself. He looked as if he had just popped a pill and it had just kicked in. Maybe he was happy because he was dancing and surrounded by some boys that resembled the band, One Direction. I had no idea but every now and again, he would come up to me, kiss me, take a sip of his drink and say, “I just love to dance.” He did and said this to me about five times. After the fifth time, I told him that I needed to go. He looked disappointed but also knew that he probably needed to go home as well since he had to work early the next morning. It was apparent that this wasn’t going to turn into the tryst I had planned and so me and Mr. Dance Fever, grabbed our coats and walked the two blocks to my apartment. When we go to the corner of my building, I told him to have a good night and he said he’d like to see me again. To this day, I haven’t heard a word from him and his lack of words, is alright by me.

Saturday morning, coffee and preparing myself for what was going to a wonderful day in the city, weather wise. It was finally going to reach 60 degrees and so I made sure to get out and about. I enjoyed the city and knew that I didn’t have much time before I needed to start getting ready for a new date. This was a guy I had been talking with even before I met the disappearing guy. I had been talking with this guy for almost two months but we just could never get our schedules in line. Then, of course, I met the disappearing guy and I’m simply not good at juggling. Our plan was to meet at, Medi Wine Bar, near my apartment and after the date I was going to meet my friends down the street.

Once again, my date was already waiting for me at the bar. And once again, he looked better in person than in his photos. He’s really tall (6’4), 37, works in hospitality management and even stood up until I was seated at the bar. There was something different about this guy. I just felt like it was going to be a nice, mature experience. He ordered a bottle of bubbles and we toasted to finally meeting. Over the course of the evening, we covered all the major topics and he even shared his desire to have children one day. All in all, I was having a great time, I was attracted to him and didn’t really want the night to end. He knew already that I was going to meet my friends after our date and he had to get up early the next day anyhow. We walked down Ninth Avenue and both expressed what a nice time we had. On the corner of 51st and Ninth Avenue, he told me that he would contact me soon and gave me several kisses. This time the kiss didn’t feel odd and it left me wanting more (like all kisses should be). As he walked away, I realized that it was exactly a week ago that I last heard from the disappearing guy. It was official. He wasn’t coming back and I didn’t want him to come back. I switched gears and rushed down to the, Ninth Avenue Saloon, to meet my friends.

It was so nice seeing all my friends, most were in different states of being drunk but we all were on the same page. And that page was…FUN. Laughing, joking, teasing and of course talking about boys. Things were winding down at that bar and some were heading to another bar and a couple of my friends and I opted to head downtown to, The Eagle. We had a few beers and realized it was past 3 a.m. Cab, home and fast asleep. It was the perfect day and night.

I never say the word “Goodbye.” It is something that seems so permanent to me. It implies that I will never see that person again, or that they are never coming back. It’s a powerful word, at least to me. That is why, I know how powerful our words can be to another person. While, I never got a chance to say goodbye to that guy, I know its ok. There will be moments in our lives where we never get a chance to say what we need to say but that’s why it’s so important that when we do get that chance, to remember how powerful our words can be. Not goodbye but rather…till next time.

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