Onward and Upward
They say our past is what makes us who we are today. Everything that we’ve ever had to endure and suffer through is what has brought us to our present day. Whether we were bullied in high school and now as an adult, you the CEO. Or you were once a heavy set child, now you are someone that rocks a six pack of abs. Then there are times when our past simply blocks us from ever becoming the person we are set out to be. With all this back and forth and reflecting on our lives, I couldn’t help but wonder are we moving onward and simply running around in circles?
Last Monday started off on a wonderful note. The guy that I had been hanging out with since Valentine’s Day woke up in my apartment and walked me halfway to work. We had our first official sleepover at my apartment and it went off without a hitch. I couldn’t have asked for a more perfect way to start the week. When we separated on the corner of 52nd and Seventh Avenue, we discussed that we would see each other that upcoming Friday for another date. I do remember as we parted ways that it had been more years than I can remember that someone actually told me to have a good day at work. It felt nice and at the same time it made me slightly nervous. It was there that I realized that my past was creeping in and blocking me from enjoying the moment. I told myself that if I ever was going to be able to get through the week that I was going to have to start reprograming how I process whatever is going on between me and this new guy.
On Tuesday, it was business as usual. Work, gym and stopping by my friend’s apartment to have them cook dinner for me and a much needed catching up session. Of course, when you meet someone new you tend to take for granted that your friends will be there and understand your absence while you are trying to get to know someone new. However, all relationships whether that is for love, friendship or work; all need attention and it’s our responsibility to learn how to balance it all. So, that was my goal for the week, aside from learning how to reprogram my way of thinking. I also needed to see my friends and make sure that everyone was ok. It was a nice visit filled with delicious homemade food, of course wine and more than anything else…bonding.
By the time Wednesday rolled around, I realized how fast the week was going by. It was another day that was filled with work, gym and visiting another friend. However, I got a little pleasant surprise. As I got off the subway in Chelsea, I got a message from the guy. He said that he was in Chelsea too and wanted to see where I was. It just so happened that I was very close by to the bar that he was at. He was having a cocktail at the bar, XES, before heading home and so, while in my track pants and hoodie; I met him just to say hi. It was sweet that he wanted to see me. It was nice that he offered to get me a drink (I declined) and it was fantastic that we both expressed that we were excited about seeing each other on Friday. Our plans was that I was actually going to have my first sleep over in Brooklyn. It all felt so foreign and familiar all at the same time. I literally stayed for five minutes, one hug and kiss goodbye and I was off to my friend’s apartment. The visit with the friend was like we were having a sleepover. Greasy food was ordered, sodas, watching music videos and talking about boys.
I was so happy for all that was going on. I was doing my best to not constantly wait for the other shoe to drop. I was enjoying the balance between work, friendships and this new guy. Everything seemed to be in order. Bills were all paid, every gym session made me feel alive and I wasn’t worrying about experiencing a bad date. In fact, if you took a step back and looked at where my life was at the moment; everything appeared to be perfect. For most people, they would sit back and enjoy the ride. Me? I began to worry. I kept my thoughts to myself because I didn’t even want to speak the words and have them floating around in the universe. It’s a sad state of affairs when good things begin to happen to you that instead of actually enjoying them that instead you worry at any moment that they will be taken away or that it will all fall apart. That is what we like to call…FEAR. My past had me in a state of panic that something was going to wrong and try as I did; I simply didn’t know what to do or how to handle it.
That evening, I did laundry right after work for I didn’t know what the weekend was going to bring. After the laundry, I walked down to Chelsea to visit another set of friends. We updated each other on our lives and of course the topic of boys came up. I told them in detail everything that was going on and they all loved what they were hearing. It was toward the end of the visit, that I got a text from the guy. I told him that I was leaving my friend’s apartment soon and that I would be going home to pack for my visit to Brooklyn. He then told me that plans for tomorrow needed to change because his apartment wasn’t ready for guests and that he would need the weekend to get it ready. My initial gut reaction was to be flippant and cancel the weekend all together. Yes. It was dramatic and irrational especially when he offered to still see me on Friday but that we just couldn’t spend the night together. My friend took the phone out of my hands and told me to NOT cancel on this guy because he is doing his best and even offering up an alternative for the evening. The fact was that he still wanted to see me just not in the capacity that we had originally discussed. Had I not been with my friends at that moment, who knows which direction things would have gone. I told the guy that I was fine with seeing him tomorrow and that I looked forward to seeing him. He was very appreciative and said he was also excited that way we at least get some time together. Our plans were moving onward and upward despite my neurotic way of thinking.
Friday. Everything about that day was good. It was payday, there was no snow storm of any kind attacking the city and I was calm. I entered the day with zero expectations and was enjoying all the positive things that had happened to me over the past couple of days. It was past lunchtime and I still hadn’t heard about what our plans for that evening were going to be. I didn’t care what we did just as long as we’d be able to talk and hangout. I got a message from the guy that said, “Have you seen Avenue Q?” I hadn’t seen the show but had only heard excellent things about it. He then asked if I had any interest in seeing the show. I just said, “As long as you are sitting next to me.” It was all settled. He got tickets for that evening’s performance and we were seeing a show together and before that; we were meeting at a bar for a few drinks. I was now officially giddy.
Left work a little early that day, showered and walked over to the bar, Barrage, where we would be meeting before the show. He paid for my drinks and said that it was because he owed me. He didn’t owe me anything, I was already having a wonderful time and we hadn’t even seen the show yet. After a few drinks, we walked over to the theatre. He introduced me to a few people he knew that was working at the theatre. We sat down and had excellent seats. Not only did he kiss me as the lights went down but he also didn’t let my hand go the entire show. If this was the tone for the evening, then I only wanted to move forward and not look back.
After the show, we decided to do some bar hopping. Our first stop was the bar, Posh, where over his whiskey and diet coke and my vodka soda with cranberry that we had a brief serious chat. We both confessed that neither one of us had been on any other dates or been sexual with anyone else since we met. It was there that he said, “I like you.” I told him that I liked him as well. He is very aware already of how neurotic I can be and we are opposite in ways. We think and process things differently. I didn’t want to push the conversation any further on the status of “How we feel about each other.” I think based on both of our actions up that point, indicated that we are liking this phase of getting to know each other. After the stop at that bar, we walked over to, Therapy, and had a few more drinks. Maybe it was the drinks, maybe it was the company or maybe it was a combination of the two but I was no longer worrying about anything. The date was perfect. The only thing that would’ve made it more perfect was if he could’ve stayed the night. As we finished up the evening, it was getting late and he had a busy next day. We did talk about it briefly that if he finished early on Saturday that we might meet up. Of course, this was drunk talk so I was a little fuzzy on the details. He offered to walk me home but I was fine getting home by myself. We kissed goodbye and he messaged me later saying that he got home safely.
Saturday was one of those perfect days where it just felt like it was me and the city. I ran errands, shopped and even took a nap (something I never do). I decided to let the guy have the day to himself with doing his errands, etc. I knew that most of my friends were either gone or occupied so I also left them alone. It wasn’t until around 9 p.m. that I began to think if I was going to see the guy or not. Regardless, I was craving to go out and so I got in the shower to get ready. Even if that meant me going out by myself for a few cocktails.
Finally, I couldn’t wait any longer and sent the guy a message around 10:30 and that is when I got slightly heated. He didn’t seem to understand why I was rather short with him when I asked him what was going on. He told me that he just finished things up in the apartment, that he was finally in the city and that if I wanted to; I could see him and his friends. Seeing that I was out already and that texting isn’t always the best way to communicate…I decided to meet him and his friends. They were all at the bar, Therapy, and he knew right away that I was slightly annoyed. However, I also wanted to make a nice impression on his friends. So, I put my attitude aside and introduced myself to everyone and they were all kind towards me. Drinks were flowing and when the guy wanted a cigarette; I walked outside with him. Outside, while it was just the two of us. We discussed the unfortunate miscommunication, apologized to each other and all was right with the world. The truth was and is, is that my hyper sensitivity to this kind of behavior is because of my fear of moving forward because of my history with the guys I’ve dated. I hated that I was even comparing this guy to the others. It wasn’t fair and I know I wouldn’t want that done to me. After our “kiss and make-up” we went back inside and enjoyed the rest of the evening. His friends were nice to me and as it was getting later, they all started to leave one by one. Leaving just the guy and I in the end. I thought the evening was going to end there but he suggested we have a few more and so, we went back to Posh, and there we just had one more round. I didn’t even realize how late it actually was until the lights went on at the bar indicating that it was 4 a.m.!!!! We scurried like cockroaches and quickly left the bar. Outside we began to say our goodbyes for he couldn’t stay the night again because of having to prep the next day for his Oscar party that he was having with his new roommate. We kissed and hugged goodbye and I went home drunk and happy.
Yesterday, I treated myself and slept in. The only thing that I managed to accomplish was showering and picking up a bottle of wine to head over to my friend’s apartment to watch the Oscar’s. My friend made delicious food, wine was poured and I even got a message from the guy asking how my day had been going. It was nice to have received that message, to be surrounded by my friends and enjoying a nice ending to a fantastic weekend.
The past can be a tricky thing. It can either render us from moving forward or provide us with a deeper insight and allow us to move onward. However way that we view the past, the one thing that we must know is that just because something happened in the past, whether that it was a good or bad experience, doesn’t mean it will happen to you again. All it means is that it did happen and we must learn and know that it all happened for a reason. And the funny thing is that “reason” that these events happen in our lives is to help us move onward and upward.
- Posted in: Uncategorized