Feels Like the First Time
When we are children, everything is a first. Losing your first tooth, getting your first haircut, going to school for the very first time and the list of first’s goes on and on. Then we become young adults and are faced with an entirely new batch of firsts’. Moving away from home the first time, experiencing booze and then of course, having sex for the first time. As we get older and our “first” time experiences become fewer and fewer. I couldn’t help but think about that special feeling you get when a first time experience presents itself and as full fledge adults, are we ever capable again of having that “first time” feeling again?
As last week began, I was still on a high of sorts from the guy I had three incredible dates in a row with. The weather last Monday was disgusting, it was freezing, it was snowing and it was downright miserable but despite the weather outside, I was warm on the inside. It was due to the fact that I was rather enjoying getting to know this man. We left things off on Monday with the possibility of him seeing me on Wednesday depending on how he was feeling because it was during dinner last Monday that I noticed he was getting a cold. It hit him very hard and I felt terrible for him.
By the time Wednesday, rolled around, his cold had gone from bad to worse and my week was extremely busy with social engagements. With my apartment in the process of being a huge mess with moving one roommate out and another in; I didn’t have a lot of time or the resources to move one last piece of furniture down to the street. I decided to leave work early that day and try and do it myself, however, earlier that day, the man sent me a text asking me if I still needed help with moving my bed. I told him that I did, in fact, need help but that I would get a friend or try and do it myself. He told me that I was being silly and asked what time he should be at my apartment. I wasn’t going to let my pride get the better half of me and so I told him that four o’clock would be perfect.
It was yet another frigid day in the city that Wednesday and as I heard a knock on my door, I opened it and there he stood. He stood there with two Starbucks cups in his hands. He remembered from our second date, how much I love soy hot chocolates and he handed me my cup and said, “You like soy hot chocolate right?” It was certainly the first time that any man has ever done something like that for me. I could feel the happy tears start to develop but I wasn’t going to allow that to be shown just yet. Instead, I gave him the biggest hug possible and then it was my turn to present him with a surprise that I had bought for him. During our third date at the MOMA, he was so excited to show me this book by this Mexican artist and it was a little pricey for a book and he said that one day he will get the book. Well, when he put the book away, I made sure to write it down in my phone because I wanted to give it to him because I wanted him to have it and because of all the kind things he had done for me in the short time span we have known each other.
I told him to stand right in the kitchen and I pulled the book out of my bag and he was so surprised and in return, also gave me the biggest hug and a kiss on the forehead (he didn’t want to get me sick). After that, I also gave him a sandwich baggie filled with green tea and cold medicine. After that little moment, he said, “Ok. Where are the tools? Let’s see what you need help with.” I gave him the tools and he was done breaking down the bed frame in two minutes and afterwards, he did four trips up and down the stairs carrying the bedframe to the street curb. On his last trip, he was sweating, he was once again feeling ill and so I thanked him again, for not only coming down to help but for his kindness overall. He again, hugged me goodbye and left. After he left, I quickly had to change and make my way down to Chelsea. That evening, several of us, gathered to help with a friend who is suffering from Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma and Leukemia. She is in need of a bone marrow transplant and we all began the first steps to seeing if any of us might be a match for her. It was a fabulous turn out and it was also very warming to see everyone drop what they have going on in their lives in order to help another with no questions asked. It made me feel very fortunate to have these amazing people in my life. After that, I went home and pondered if the rest of the week could get any better.
The next morning I received a text message from the guy saying that we need to talk about something that has been heavy on his mind. My heart instantly sank and I waited for what topic he was going to want to talk about. It was the topic of babies. He told me that he doesn’t want any but sees the way I react just even if a stroller passes by and how he doesn’t want to stand in my way of ever having my desires filled. It certainly wasn’t a topic I was ready to talk about, given how short of a time we have known each other and so as he was freaking out on me. I told him that this topic should be shelved, way too soon to be talking about it and that we shouldn’t be discussing this via text. He agreed and I told him the same thing he told me when I flipped out on him in my apartment and that was to be “easy-breezy.” He laughed and while I don’t have the slightest feeling of what the future holds. I do know that I respect him for having the courtesy to bring it up and it certainly was a “first” for me.
Anyone that knows me, reads this blog or can see the comparisons knows that I am a huge, Sex and the City and Sarah Jessica Parker fan. That evening, one of my wonderful friends and I were going to see Sarah Jessica Parker in her play that is running. I had no idea where we were sitting or what the play was even really about. My friend was waiting for me at the Manhattan Theatre Club on 55th Street and when I got there, I got a huge wave of excitement. Like, I was seeing a play for my very first time. As we made our way into the theatre, my friend handed me my ticket and as I read the seat, he told me that we are being seated in the fourth row!!!! The lights went down, and the very first scene was SJP, I can’t even express or put to words the emotion or what my face even looked like but I was elated. For the next hour and half, I wasn’t even sure I blinked, not only was the play wonderful but I was very grateful I got to sit next to my friend and share that experience. Afterwards, the only person that I wanted to tell what a great time I had was the guy. I could tell from his text back to me that he was happy that I was happy. He was still under the weather from his nasty cold and so we left it with me telling him to get more rest.
It was Friday and I was at work, when I got a message from him. He wasn’t a hundred percent but we did our best to express that we will do our best to make sure we get to see each other over the weekend. He knew all about the events that I needed to be at over the weekend and so I offered the possibility of coming to any of them but I’d rather him feeling better than relapsing. So, on Friday, I went over to the bar, Mona’s, in the East Village to see friends I hadn’t seen since December. It was great and nothing too out of control. I was home by 1 a.m. and was fast asleep.
Saturday, I actually slept in, the new roommate was officially moved in and the old roommate had officially moved out. The only thing I was able to accomplish that morning was the laundry and before I knew it; I had to get ready for another fundraiser. Before I left, the guy and I exchanged a few messages with the possibility of meeting up after my fundraiser depending on how he felt. He told me we would play the evening by ear but for sure Sunday was a definite. I should have been delighted with that response and I did leave it at that until I went to the fundraiser and I decided that vodka would be my sidekick for the evening.
The fundraiser, which was for the, Abzyme Research Foundation, was held at the Park. Once again, the city was greeted with a snowy mix and frigid temperatures. I realized once I walked into the event, that I also hadn’t seen this set of friends for about two weeks, which is unheard of. As go-go boys danced around, the cocktails flowing and the friends circulating; there was the guy at the back of my mind. I was hoping that he was feeling better and also hoping that we might end up seeing each other that night. So, after four vodka cranberries, I decided to text him to see how he was feeling. He told me, “Still tired L sorry. I’m lame. Tomorrow?” I “should” have told him to get rest and I’ll see him tomorrow. “Instead” I opted to go the insecure route and proceeded to write a novel via text that was basically saying that if he didn’t want to get to know me anymore, that he could just tell me and I will respect his choice. The minute I hit send, a friend of mine looked at me and said, “What the fuck are you doing?” I went against my rule of drunk texting and that is also something I would never even say to a guy. I immediately began to panic and wasn’t sure how I was going to salvage this one. Friends that I shared my mistake with gave advice that ranged from “no more texting” to “tell him you were joking” and finally I just wanted to leave the even and thankfully the fundraiser was winding down.
The texting didn’t stop because the guy then told me in the most eloquent way that I need to remind myself that I am a strong person that moved to the city with just a dream and no one stood in my way. He went onto say that I am attractive and whether it’s me, the next guy or anyone else that I need to remind myself when I feel self-doubt all the things that I have already accomplished. He said he is looking forward to getting to know me more and that we just need to be “easy-breezy”. I felt better and my friends all were there helping me not have a full fledge panic attack. I told him that we were now even with the freaking out. He had his episode over babies and I just had mine. I told him to have a good night and that I would see him the next day. This all was certainly a first time for me, the freaking out the way I did over someone I’ve only known for a very short period. The remainder of the night, with my emotions under control, was spent at my friend’s apartment listening to music and chilling the hell out.
I woke up yesterday morning with no hangover but I was exhuasted. However, when I looked at the alarm clock; I realized I had just enough time to grab a cup of coffee and get ready for my friend’s birthday brunch. On my way to the brunch, the guy and I started fresh and acted like nothing happened the previous night (whew). He told me to have fun at brunch and that we would see each other around 6:30 at his apartment. The brunch, which was at, Colicchio & Sons, in Chelsea and it was elegant. The table was decorated amazing, we had a private room and about fifteen of us all gathered to have a semi-civilized celebration together. There was amazing food, toasts, tears and of course…laughter. After the brunch, we expanded the party and went to a bar in Hell’s Kitchen called, BEA. It was there that I told myself to only have two beers, in order to not show up to the guys’ apartment a drunken mess. I said goodbye to my friends and I thought I was going to take a cab to the Upper West Side, instead I decided to allow the cold air sober me up and collect my thoughts. I got to his apartment building, took a deep breath and rang his buzzer.
It wasn’t my first time being nervous for a date but it certainly was my first time in a long time where there were actual butterflies in my stomach. He opened the door and there his dog greeted me with a kiss and then the guy did the same to me. We had no agenda planned that evening other than to just hang out, talk and of course make out like high school kids. Which is exactly what we did…we had fantastic talks and share d a ton of stories. Before I knew it, I was in his sweats, sweatshirts and his warm socks lying on his bed with his dog. I could tell by the look on his face that he rather enjoyed seeing his dog bond with me and me in all his clothes. I simply couldn’t get over the amount of laughing we did or get over how much I didn’t want the night to end. I didn’t want to go home. He ordered in take-out and after that we cuddled and before I knew it. I was in his knook, feeling warm, safe and not thinking about tomorrow. I was not only happy but I was present and as present as I was, I suddenly realized that this was now turning into my first sleep over at his apartment. The rest of the night, he never let go and I slept soundly.
This morning, as the morning light began to make its way through his window; I jumped up, sent a text message that I was going to be an hour late and got right back into his arms. When it was time for me to leave, he walked me to the door, gave me a hug and kiss and said that he’d see me this week. Once again, I thought of taking a cab back to my apartment to get ready for work but instead decided to let the crisp air waken my senses.
Maybe I was wrong in thinking that as we become adults all of our “first” moments are no longer able to present themselves to our lives. There is something very exciting to know that while some of us might be jaded, skeptical or even have self-doubt about certain events in our lives that we are still given the idea of having that wonderful “first time” feeling. Instead of looking the other way at these moments, we should embrace them and be hopeful that there will be many more fantastic “first times” to come.
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