When You Know, You Know
Every single day we are given the gift of “knowing.” Knowing what route to get you to the office the fastest, knowing what you are going to have for lunch and knowing that no matter what, your loved ones will be there for you. Of course, life doesn’t always deal us the nicest of hands and therefore instead of always “knowing” we need to rely on other avenues in order to determine our next step. Which got me thinking, if we are ever certain of “knowing” things or are we simply going through the motions?
Two week ago, as most of you’ve read, I dealt with a serious case of depression. An experience that I don’t wish on anyone but luckily for me, I was able to get myself out of it. I knew that I was going to be ok and knowing that, is what got me through the darker periods of that week. The amount of support that I received from all over was also a huge factor in getting me from the dark to the light. In the end, it was me knowing that there is still so much more to live for, to see and to experience that my passion for life outweighed the depression.
By the time last Monday rolled around, I treated it with caution. I missed my friends and more than anything else…I missed my old self. My friends play a huge part in my life and I was very excited when two friends of mine invited me over to their apartment on Tuesday for dinner and wine. I hadn’t had one sip of alcohol since I went into my depression and decided to take things slow. The dinner with them was wonderful and I began to feel like myself again. Including having a busy schedule that left me with no rest and of course…some stories for you all.
On Wednesday, it was amazing that I was still receiving wonderful messages from fans around the globe. Again, it was yet another way of knowing that I might be touching people’s lives out there or even providing them with some sort form of entertainment. That night, I met up with an old coworker of mine at the, Ninth Avenue Saloon, where we had several beers and caught up on our lives. It was very relaxing and also being in bar after having a small hiatus made me start to feel alive again. We said our goodbyes and I was really starting to get excited for the weekend ahead.
Thursday and I was smiling again. Work was going well and that night was going to be meeting a friend of mine in the East Village. We started out with beers at, Nowhere Bar. It was there that in the beginning of us meeting that it turned into a mini therapy session. It was the first time that I tried to articulate why I went into my deep depression and also where I confessed a lot about my past. I think after all the confessing, that I knew at that moment that our friendship was going to a deeper level and I looked forward to seeing our friendship continue to grow. After our stop at Nowhere Bar, we went to the Phoenix for just a few more beers before calling it a night at a descent hour. As I rode the subway home, I realized that I was smiling for no reason. I am sure I looked like just another crazy person on the train but I didn’t care. I knew that I was smiling because I was grateful for the people in my life.
It was one of those Friday’s where the entire work day just seemed to drag on and on. All you want to do is see the work day end so that you can start the weekend. When the time had finally reached quitting time, I was so elated to be sitting at a bar on the Lower East Side with my girlfriends. We all caught each other up but I had to leave early and head uptown to 34th Street. A few friends of mine and I were going to see the movie, Gravity. The entire movie had me on the edge of my seat and I seriously suggest that everyone rush out and see it. After the movie, we all said our goodbyes and I went home to get the only rest that I would be getting for the rest of the weekend.
Waking up early on Saturday morning in order to get to the gym and a trip to a place I loathe…the grocery store. I had to pick up items because several of us were meeting on the West Side Highway to take a ferry to New Jersey. We were going to a friend of ours home where we each had to make our own pizza. I decided that my pizza would be a Mexican one. The pressure was on considering I was surrounded by excellent cooks. The weather was amazing and it was such a perfect day to see the kids running around in the backyard, everyone in great spirits and the food that we consumed (15 different pizzas). It was hard to leave but we had to be back in the city in order to attend a birthday party.
No time to even take a cat nap. I showered, changed and met my friend to go to my friend’s birthday party in Hell’s Kitchen. The party was crowded and filled with a lot of people that we didn’t know. So, instead we all hung out in front of the bar and drank our bubbles like good guests. A few hours later and we were in a cab heading to Industry Bar to meet another set of friends there. We danced but I could tell that most of us were all exhausted from our entire day of drinking and cooking. Regardless of how tired we were, somehow, I still didn’t get home till 3:30 a.m. As I walked home in the late hours, I knew with great certainty that I was indeed back to myself again.
Yesterday, I woke up only tired and not hungover (whew). My plan was to meet a different former coworker of mine for brunch in the West Village at a placed called, Yerba Buena. I hadn’t seen him in a very long time and he left the exciting world of advertising to an even more exciting industry…fashion. He told me that he was also inviting a few of his other fashion friends along for brunch. Since I love meeting new people, I didn’t care who he invited.
We get to the restaurant and everything was going amazingly. His friends were nice, it was great to catch up with him and the bottomless champagne certainly didn’t hurt either. After the brunch, we all decided to go over to Gym Bar for just a few beers before we all would go our separate ways.
On the walk to the bar, I noticed that my friend was finding ways to put his arm around me or try to touch me in some way. I didn’t think anything about it because I do that with my close friends all the time. We get to the bar, order a round and we are all talking and laughing. Now the touching had gotten much more obvious and while it didn’t make me comfortable, it also didn’t make me feel at ease either. Yet, another round of beers and even his friends that I just met had asked me if we had ever dated before. I was finally done being social and wanted to go home. We all parted ways on Eighth Avenue and I made the mistake of telling my friend that I wanted to walk home since it was still light out. He asked if he could walk with me and I really didn’t know how to say no and so we walked.
I did my best not to react to the fact that at each stop light we hit, he would put his arm around me or try and stop me from walking too far into traffic. Usually this is a move that I like from a guy but this was a friend. Not even a close friend since the last time I saw this person was about two years ago.
When we finally reached my corner, I said, “Well, this is me. I had a great time catching up with you and your friends are really nice.” As soon as I finished my sentence, he leans and planted a big old kiss. Several things occurred during that kiss. One…what the hell just happened? Two…not a good kisser and Three…what the hell just happened? I pushed him away and asked what he was doing. He said, “I am sorry. I shouldn’t have done that, maybe it was the alcohol or that I am lonely.” I told him that there was no harm done but to not do that again. We hugged it out and he went home. As of now, I haven’t heard anything from him and decided that I will let the dust settle before I see if he is alright. Maybe that kiss was supposed to happen because one thing I did know at that moment was that I’m still not ready to be back in the dating field just yet.
Once I got home, sat down with some mindless TV and I began to think about what had just transpired and if my friend knew what he was going to do or if he acted on impulse.
As NBC has so eloquently put it for the past two decades with the message of, “The More You Know…” and seeing it ever since I was kid, it has now finally registered with me about “knowing.” The more you know the more you grow. We will constantly learn life’s lessons and with those lessons that we learn, we know exactly what we will and will not put up with and then there will be those times when you just…know.
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