Getting What You Deserve – Part II
Last week I wrote about getting what you deserve in life; that if you obey the laws of the universe, treat others with kindness that only good things will come your way. Maybe I was jumping the gun in thinking that theory to be accurate. I now look at it as the equivalent of when a bird just took a crap on you and someone immediately telling you that it’s a sign of good luck. The reason they are telling you that; is to make you feel better about the fact that a bird just shit on you. It is there to make you feel better about a pretty shitty situation. I couldn’t help but wonder if, after all of these theories, beliefs and spiritual guidance if we ever get what we deserve?
Last week started off great. In fact, it was filled with nothing but positive things. I had come back from Fire Island that Monday and after spending time with Mr. G. we had our next date scheduled for Wednesday. I was also a co-host that Saturday to throw a going-away picnic party in Central Park for a friend of ours that is moving to Los Angeles. The weather in the city was amazing, especially when August is known to be filled with nothing but humidity, people walking around with dewy faces and frizzy hair.
I had met a friend of mine on Tuesday at his fantastic apartment in the Financial District. When I arrived we had wine, snacks and he just seemed to have it all. He has the great job, the boyfriend, the excellently decorated apartment and a pool. I left that evening feeling very happy for such a great person, he is actually someone that deserves everything that he has going on in his life.
By the time Wednesday rolled around, the week was flying by and I couldn’t believe that it was already time to see Mr. G. again. We had agreed in an effort to save money and it being a school night that I would come over to his apartment, we’d order in take-out and I would bring over some wine. Earlier that day, I had officially signed my lease for my apartment and I also got news that the blog was getting even more hits than ever; plus I got a raise. It was turning out to be a fantastic day.
After work, I did the gym and quickly got ready to head over to Mr. G.’s apartment. I arrived and he had fallen asleep on his couch when I knocked on his door. I decided to bring over a bottle of proseco as well because I just felt like toasting to all the good fortunes that were happening. Turns out, he was also having a pretty nice day with finding a new office space for his agency. He seemed in good spirits and after toasting and updating each other on what we had been up to; we decided to rent a movie. Everything went smoothly as far as I was concerned. We were on his couch, his dog on my lap the whole time and sharing popcorn. After the movie and more small talk, I thought for sure that I was going to be asked to stay the night. Instead, I politely offered for me to just go home since I knew he was tired. He asked, “Do you mind? You sure you won’t be pissed?” I told him that I wasn’t. Yes. I was slightly surprised because I know that if a guy really likes you, regardless if they are tired not…you are staying the night. I chose to ignore my dating instincts and give him the reassurance that I wasn’t disappointed. Before I left his apartment, he asked me what I was doing on Friday and scheduled plans for drinks and a movie. It made me feel much better about not spending the night because he had suggested plans for the weekend. He even agreed to attend the picnic with me on Saturday, since he knows everyone that was going to be there anyway. By the time I even exited his building there was a text message from him thanking me for coming over, keeping him company and that he was looking forward to seeing me this weekend. Now, I really felt much better about not spending the night. I went home that night and felt good about the entire situation.
The next day, work was the usual and that day happened to have been rainy and gross in the city. That weather did not motivate me to go to the gym and so I called on the crew to meet me at the John Dory for a few drinks. I was proud of myself, for I only had a few glasses of wine and I took myself home. I just needed those few glasses of wine.
Friday and it was one of those humid days in the city where if you even crossed the street by the time you got to the other side, you were a sweaty mess. I left work early, did the gym and got in touch with Mr. G. to figure out a time of when to meet. He said, he was meeting some of his friends for a few drinks and when he said that; I just told him to have some time with the boys and when he was done to get in touch. I know how important time with the friends can be and so I took that time to meet up with a friend of mine for a few drinks at Hardware Bar. Around 6, I got a text message from Mr. G. asking me to meet him at Elmo bar, I told him I could be there around 6:30ish.
There wasn’t a cab available and so I just walked to the bar. By the time I arrived, I was a sweaty mess. When I walked in, there he was with several people that I knew. Gave everyone a hug and a hello and a drink was ordered. We all sat around talking about movies, the work week, etc. Everything was going along smoothly and finally everyone started to head out to attend to the rest of their evening plans.
Finally it was just Mr. G. and I. We ordered another drink and then he said something that I wasn’t expecting at all. He said, “Something is off between us.” I wasn’t sure if he was joking or not, I even asked him to repeat himself. To say I was blindsided was a bit of an understatement. I decided to let him do the talking until I could figure out a response. He pulled out the classics of, “I think this is moving too fast” and “I don’t think I am ready for a relationship.” Yes. He was engaged back in December of last year. He told me several times that he was over the ex, the relationship and I even asked him point blank that very question on our first date if he was over the situation. So, when he used the ex as an excuse to no longer see me, I felt like maybe we were grabbing at straws.
He went onto to say that he feels that I am ready for a relationship and that he isn’t. I didn’t care for someone assuming they know what I am ready for or what I am even looking for. We had never even had that conversation. Hell, it had only been three weeks. Yes. In those three weeks of knowing him, there were dates, Fire Island and a slew of messages from him indicating to me that he liked me and wanted to get to know me more. He said that that past Wednesday when I was at his apartment, he felt like something was off and when he didn’t ask me to stay the night that he knew something might be not right with us. There was nothing I could say, except me telling him that I was only reacting to the pace of the relationship based on the messages he sent me and the private things that he shared. Never once did I ever say I wanted a relationship, never once did I ever say I was ready for a relationship and there was nothing left I could say to argue my case.
However, after sitting there for a second at the bar (which I couldn’t believe this was happening to me at one of Manhattan’s most tacky restaurants) it dawned on me that his friends were there before I had arrived. I finally had to ask him if his friends knew what was going to happen to me before I arrived. He looked at me and said, “Yes. They knew. I needed someone to talk to and get their opinion on the subject.” Suddenly, I felt my entire chest get warm. I was beyond humiliated and embarrassed, knowing that his friends sat around and talked with me and everyone acted like they didn’t know what was about to go down. It was there that I no longer wanted to even look into Mr. G.’s eyes. I told him that the one thing I regret the most about this entire situation, was that I shared some rather deep and personal secrets, things that some of my best friends don’t even know. He tried to reassure me that those things would be just between us. I no longer cared if I believed him or not. I felt the tears began to develop and I knew I had to get out of there as quickly as possible. He went onto to give me the sentence that gets under my skin so badly and that is, “Alex, you are a great guy…” I told him to stop and that I didn’t want to be patronized. Especially, knowing that he was doing this in a public place, his friends fucking knew the entire time and I just couldn’t get over the fact that it was happening in the first place.
He asked me if we could be friends and seeing that it was only three weeks, I should be able to do that. I knew that at that moment I sure as hell didn’t want to be his friends and I could no longer look at him. The tears were going coming at any minute and I didn’t want him to know that he managed to not only hurt my feelings but that he was able to make me cry. As my dumb luck would have it, my damn umbrella was stuck underneath my chair and as I was trying to reach for it, he said, “Is this where you make your dramatic exit?” I couldn’t believe just how he was behaving, everyone around me when they first found out we were hanging out kept saying “He is so nice” and “You are going to have so much fun.” I was in total shock by his last words. I did and still do wish him all the luck. I know the next person after me will be the one who gets him. That is how my luck turns out and I also know that despite how the entire situation ended that he is a fantastic man.
I left the restaurant and turned the corner as fast as I could before the tears just unleashed themselves. It was still daylight out and I was so embarrassed to be walking down 19th Street looking like a train wreck. I called my friend who lives in the area and he told me to come over immediately. When I arrived and began to tell the story of what just occurred, I couldn’t stop crying. It was, as Oprah calls it, “The Ugly Cry.” To say I was crying entirely over Mr. G. isn’t 100% true, I was also crying over the entire situation. I hadn’t cried over a man in over six years. I was in shock with myself but I knew it was totally ok to show some emotion. My friend went out and got mixers for the vodka and I drank it like it was water. He ordered a pizza but I could barely even muster the energy to eat it. Another great friend of mine showed up, gave me his usual “tough love” speech and suggested we go out for a drink. My face looked like someone had punched me a few times in the eyes. I splashed cold water on my face but it didn’t do very much to help. I looked and felt like hell. We went into Gym Bar and there a shot of tequila and a beer were ordered. That shot sent me over the edge, I suddenly found myself not being able to stand up. I was using my big umbrella to hold myself up. Next thing I knew, my friends are holding me up and throwing me in a cab and giving the driver my address.
I woke up the next morning still in my clothes from the night before, not under the covers and on the opposite side of the bed. I was numb, I was hungover and I actually didn’t believe what actually had happened. I was still in shock. More importantly, I didn’t want to go to the picnic. I wanted to just stay inside, not see a single person and not want to deal with reality. By the time 11 a.m. rolled around, I was getting text messages from everyone telling me that I had better show up, and asking me if I was ok. The truth was…I wasn’t ok. I was severely depressed but I knew that this day wasn’t about me at all. It was about my friend who was leaving and that I was going to miss deeply. I showered, packed some stuff up for the picnic and forced myself to get to the park. I was the first to arrive and was actually glad for it, because it gave me some time to think and do my best not to cry again in front of my friends and turn the entire picnic about my pathetic situation.
As the friends started to arrive, so did the food and more importantly…so did the booze. After about an hour of being out there, I told myself that it was a very smart decision to have attended the picnic. We were laughing, I was playing with my friend’s baby, we were all lying around eating, drinking and finally we all decided to head over to my friend’s apartment to freshen up, more drinks and more mindless distractions. We got invited to a friend’s loft over on 20th Street and Broadway for a party. When we arrived, the party was in full swing and I stayed until 3:30 a.m. It was just what I needed and I couldn’t thank my friends more for not only being there but for dragging my ass out.
Yesterday, I woke up with yet another hangover but I think I hadn’t kicked my depression yet. I kept going back from the couch to the bed and not really sure what to do with myself. Part of me wanted to reach out to a friend and another part of me knew that what I needed the most was to be alone. Take the time to just “be” and begin the healing process. It sounds more dramatic than it needs to be but when you like someone…you can’t help it. I showered, put the sunglasses and baseball cap on and walked around the city aimlessly for hours. I didn’t respond to text messages, emails or anything for awhile. Finally, I told myself to snap out of it, there are worse things that could and has happened to me already. What I needed the most was to laugh. So, I took myself to the movie theatre and I saw the new Jennifer Aniston and that did the trick. I sat by myself, laughed by myself and exited the theatre…by myself. I went home, washed the city off my face and crawled into bed.
I woke up this morning, not great but better. I am just really grateful for the friends in my life, for the city that never lets me feel alone and for the future.
Maybe in life, we never get everything we deserve. Maybe I got what I deserved because of something I did in my past, or because I write this blog or because karma is having a good time at my expense. What I do know is that things happen in our lives, like birds shitting on us and while that is the negative side of life, there are always a ton of wonderful things that happen to us that we must always show our appreciation towards. Like our friends, our family and for me…the city of New York.
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