Getting What You Deserve
They say that if you follow all the rules and obey all guidelines, you will get what you deserve. It’s that karmic belief that how you treat someone will reflect on how you; yourself will get treated. It’s a great belief and something that I live by. But when life gets complicated with tragedies, diseases and unquestionable events; that is when you begin to question the meaning behind all these belief systems. It also leads to the question of…do we ever fully get what we deserve in life?
It certainly was a question that I asked myself for a majority of last week. Things with Mr. G. (we are finally giving the guy a name here) were going well. After our successful first date in the city two Thursday’s ago, we hadn’t physically seen each other due to both of our schedules. However, we kept in constant contact via text. I was enjoying the level of communication; it was the normal stuff like, “How are you?” or “How was your day?” I was building my own personal anxiousness for the weekend, because we both had the same weekend out on Fire Island. You just never know how the weekend will turn out because you have a responsibility to be with your housemates while at the same time you are wondering if you can manage to make time to see each other. I decided on Friday to just let wherever happens happen. There was nothing I could really do other than put the energy out into the universe.
After rushing to get to Penn Station in order to catch the 1:22 train, once I finally sat down and relaxed; I told myself that I at least deserve this weekend ahead because of the hard work that has been going into this blog. I had received news two days earlier that it is now in 50 countries and seeing this grow has been a huge blessing. Mr. G. was also on the same train that I was but between all the transferring, etc. there was no way I would ever be able to coordinate to find him and his friends. I told him to just enjoy his friends and we will meet up later. Once we got to the ferry dock to board, I saw his friends and went over to them and started talking. I also ran into one of my housemates and so things were already settling into place. The line began moving to board the ferry and my friend told me to run ahead and grab a seat since it was overly packed. I managed to get a seat and before I could even gather myself together, I spotted Mr. G. and he sat right next to me.
He told me that he likes to listen to music while riding the ferry to the island and that I shouldn’t be offended; which I wasn’t at all. We all have our little rituals. I just needed a drink and luckily for me, he had one that he let me finish. On the ferry ride over, the sun was just beaming against the bay and I was still feeling a slight anxious feeling but I did my best to hide it. I was just praying that I didn’t hiccup because then for sure he would know. Finally, he said, “It’s really good to see you” and kissed me. That simple, kind sentence was all that I needed. The rest of the ride was spent him doing some last minute work calls and me enjoying the ride…and cocktail. When we docked, he gave me another kiss and said he would see me later at the teas. I walked to my house with my friend and once I got there, that glass of wine couldn’t be filled up fast enough.
It was your typical Friday afternoon at the house with the music going, unpacking, laying out clothing options and of course…drinking. It was good to see my friends again, for I hadn’t had a chance to see them and also in typical fashion, they had questions about Mr. G. I told them that we might see him at tea and that was all I knew. A few hours and the continuation of cocktails later, we were all finally dressed and ready to go to town. Our house never fully manages to get anywhere on time, and last Friday was no different than any other. We got to tea late and so we just decided to hang out
at the middle tea and realized that a lot of time had passed and were late with getting dinner ready. So, a few of us go back to the house to get dinner on the table. As, always, the dinner was delicious and as we were cleaning up, I looked at my phone and there was a message from Mr. G. He was just asking what was going on. I told him we had just finished up with dinner and cleaning up. I asked him what he was doing and he said, “I’m home. Have a big bed to myself and to come over.” He then followed up with, “I haven’t eaten any pickles.” I looked at my friends with a cheesy grin and they all knew what I was going to tell them. I told them that I wasn’t going to be able to make it back out with them that night for I was going to see Mr. G. They all asked, “Do you know how to get there?” I was drunk at this point but was confident that I knew how to get there and I wouldn’t get lost.
I freshened up and went into the pitch black night to head over to Mr. G.’s house. I brought my phone for some light and so that I didn’t fall off the boardwalk but as soon as I passed town…I got lost. I was getting text messages from him asking where I was at and he gave me the address and yet; I still got lost. I was so lost that I barged into this poor older couple’s house, while they were watching TV and said, “Does he live here?” The lady said, “Son, I think you are in the wrong house.” I stumbled back out and finally saw a door that looked familiar. I walked him, called his name and he was there. A trip that should have only taken me fifteen minutes took me a half hour. I was just glad that he didn’t fall asleep waiting for me.
He made me a drink and we sat outside by his pool and that is where we talked, kissed, talked, kissed and talked some more. However, this is also the point where we did have some heavy topics that were on discussed; including one about this blog. He mentioned how he knows this is part of my job and part of my life but that some things are private. I thanked him for understanding but reassured him that I would never share with the world our more private conversations. Some things that are said and will be said in the future are kept between us.
One of the things I said to my friends before leaving the house was, “I hope we walk on the beach. I haven’t done that with a guy in so long.” After we wrapped up our conversation he said, “Ok. Let’s talk a stroll to the beach.” Was this happening? We held hands and walked to the beach. We stood there, with the cold sand underneath our feet and the ocean making its amazing effects and then he planted a nice kiss. It was rather chilly and so we decided to head back to his house. Once we got there, we sat with our feet in the pool talking more. He shared with me how easy it was to talk with me and how he is enjoying the evening. I couldn’t have agreed more. Everything was in sync. Everything. Finally, he said it was time for bed and that is what we did. I got in his nook and didn’t leave that spot until the next morning.
When we woke up on Saturday morning, the clouds were grey and it was starting to sprinkle. Not exactly the weather I was hoping for but I had a feeling it was going to eventually burn off. I, once again, was greeted by his housemates who, once again, saw me with bed head. I told them that one day they will see me in a fresh state of mind. Mr. G. said he would walk me half way to my house, so we grabbed our stuff and headed into town. His arm around me and we did the walk of shame together. We got to town and another great kiss and hug goodbye with him telling me he will see me later. I walked home and needed a big cup of coffee before I could answer the million questions that were awaiting me. I must have repeated my story ten times to different house mates and all of them said the same thing, “Alex. You deserve this.” It didn’t sink in right away because the sentence makes me feel slightly uncomfortable. I had never once said those words to myself. “Alex. You deserve this.” Whatever it is or whatever it will turn out to be, whether it is good or bad. I just have never even let the notion cross my mind. After one of my friends said they hadn’t seen me smile like that in years…maybe it was time for a little happiness. The sun finally pulled through and burned away all the clouds and it turned into a gorgeous day. Drinking started by noon, people coming in and out with visits all day to our house and a quick stroll along the beach; it was time to get ready for another set of teas.
With a to-go drink in hand, I was ready for whatever the evening was going to bring. The walk to town was great, I couldn’t stop laughing with friends and there was just something in the air that night that made me feel…well…fucking fantastic! I get to low tea and my friends and I headed to the back bar. We are not there more than ten minutes before I feel a little push from behind. I turn around and there he is…Mr. G. along with his housemates. They say you can tell a lot about a person by the company they keep. I can honestly say that the company he keeps is great. His housemates are truly kind, welcoming and while I haven’t received a full report on what they think of me. They at least have treated me so far with inviting arms. Mr. G. instantly gives me a kiss and hug and I can tell we are in for a nice time.
After some time and another drink later, one of Mr. G.’s friends pulls me aside and says, “We never come to low tea on Saturdays. Just so you know we came here because he was looking for you.” Not only was it an amazing thing to hear from his good friend, it was an amazing feeling. We move onto middle tea and there we are dancing, drinking and having a great time; maybe too good of a time for we were getting pretty hammered. I asked one of his friends if maybe I should get us home and they fully supported that idea. Mr. G. and I held onto each other all the way home and he said some really sweet things, that unfortunately, for you readers…I am keeping to myself. We get to his house and another one of his housemates were there. I hadn’t met this one before and he was also extremely kind to me. We ate, drank and eventually Mr. G. was getting tired and I got him to bed. While he was taking a quick nap, I was left talking with his housemates and having a great time. Finally, I was summoned to see him in his bedroom and there I got back in the nook and we both passed out.
Sunday morning and we both had slept for longer than we thought. As we were saying our goodbyes to each other, Mr. G. said that once again, he had a great time and to not make any plans for Wednesday. I left his house and actually felt like I was no longer doing the walk of shame. Rather, I was walking away from an extremely fun weekend. I did my best to tell myself along the way home, that, “Alex. You deserve this.” It’s a very hard thing to say. It is also a very hard thing to believe. I got home and enjoyed the bbq party that were hosting, I enjoyed my friends and even enjoyed meeting some new faces.
I was exhausted that night and wasn’t sure I was going to be able to go out; or that I even wanted to. After several housemates begging and pleading for me to go out; I got up and headed into town. It was Showtune Sunday’s at the tea and I am not the biggest fan of Broadway shows but after a shot of tequila…suddenly I was singing Barbra Streisand’s, “Don’t Rain on My Parade” at the top of my lungs. My high from all of the singing didn’t last long, for I went home with a friend only after an hour or so. I wasn’t tired so my friend put on a Julia Robert’s movie for me but even her movie couldn’t keep me awake that long for I passed out on the couch with someone covering me up with a blanket.
Yesterday, when I woke up…I was surprised to find that I wasn’t hungover. Whew. Instead, I cleaned the kitchen, did laundry for the house and made sure that I didn’t leave anything behind while I packed. I wanted to get back to the city at a descent hour and I left on the 4 p.m. ferry. As the ferry pulled away from the harbor, all I could think of was how grateful I was for everything that had transpired over the past three days. I got home, unpacked; text messaged with Mr. G. for a bit and was fully passed out by 10 p.m.
It’s funny how when you read about a person that created a terrible crime and they are sentenced, that we can say, “Well they got what they deserved.” Yet, when it comes to the more positive aspects in our lives like getting engaged, the job promotion, the new home or even winning the lottery; is it never easy to say to ourselves that we deserve these things. Maybe in life we will never receive all that we actually deserve, whether it is good or bad, but maybe we can begin to practice telling ourselves that we all deserve happiness every now and again.
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