Back and Forth
The world we live in is constantly moving and with all that movement sometimes in our lives we can feel like we are just spinning our wheels and not really going anywhere. Yet at times, the world moves so fast that we can’t even keep up with it. The minute anything happens in the world, it is broadcasted all over the internet and we all have been programmed to have this constant need for access right at your fingertips. With all of this back and forth, push/pull, give and take, I couldn’t help but wonder if all of this movement is making us move forward or are we just spinning in circles?
I certainly felt as if my own wheels were spinning as I was ordering a glass of red wine and sitting myself at a table in Bartini last Monday. When I sat down at the table I couldn’t help but think of how far I haven’t come after dating all these years in Manhattan. Across the table from me, with his iPad in hand was a matchmaker. After attending two of his single events and rather enjoying myself, the host of these events also happens to be a matchmaker and so he suggested that we have a meeting so he can help me. The entire situation had me feeling so vulnerable but I had made the commitment to meet him and so I decided to push through and answer all of his questions. Questions that I have asked myself a million times and when the question came to describe “my type”, I knew exactly how to answer because this type of guy for me hasn’t changed in all these years. Once the meeting was over with, I looked at my phone and there was a message from a guy I had met through OKCupid and we had just started text messaging. I guess the bottom line is that never put all of your faith into one thing because you need to try all avenues in order to achieve your goals and maybe I wasn’t going to be spinning anymore but ready to move forward.
On Wednesday, I found myself at Arriba Arriba meeting a dear friend of mine who had managed to turn his life completely around. Several years ago he was his own worst enemy and now he is his own best friend. It was a true testament that life will certainly hand you some shitty cards but how you play your next hand is completely up to you. I told him how proud I was of him, his life and his future. It was one of those nights where I was impressed with how you can truly and honestly change your life if you want to.
All through the week, the guy from OKCupid was contacting me first whether it was through text messaging and even calling…yes someone actually called. We talked on the phone and had an amazing conversation and eventually led to us determining a day to meet. We settled on Sunday for a fun brunch that would include unlimited champagne. I was really looking forward to the date. This guy was proving himself to have some potential.
Thursday after the gym, I was meeting a friend and his boyfriend at their apartment for dinner. It was nice to see them both and as I sat at their dinner table it hit me just how much these two people love each other. How excited they are just to finish the school they are in right now, so that they can start building a future together; there was no back and forth with this couple. They only want to move forward and it was nice to see and hear. I left that night feeling extremely happy for them both and can’t wait to see how their story unfolds.
It had certainly felt like a long work week and so when Friday showed up, I was more than ready to relax and wash the week away. So I did some shoe shopping and then met up with an ex boyfriend of mine and his current boyfriend at their apartment for some wine and snacks. As they went on and on about their search for the perfect apartment and how it was becoming more of a whining game, I suddenly just looked at the both of them and told them that they are lucky to even be in the position that they are in. They have money, a great relationship, health, etc. and the fact that they are even in the position to be a couple looking for a new home that everyone should just relax and count their blessings. It became rather apparent that some of my own personal issues were coming out and being projected onto them. I excused myself to the bathroom, splashed some cold water on my face and told them that I should get home and so I left.
Saturday morning after yoga and I was greeted with a text message from the guy I was meeting on Sunday. This was really shaping up to be an awesome day. He told me how he is looking forward to finally getting the chance to meet me, how he will be there on time and that if nothing else comes out of it that at least we will have a good time. I told him that I agreed with everything he was saying and that I would do my best to show up on time. After doing some more shoe shopping, I went home to take a power nap and began to get ready for some amazing friends of mine were hosting a welcome party for a friend of ours.
The party was a hit, actually it was bigger hit than I was expecting. Every single person there was in good spirits and it felt so nice to be surrounded by family. I can’t even tell you how many people were there but it was packed and the drinks were flowing and I sure as hell was partaking of the festivities. When the party started to thin out, I looked at my phone and it said, 3:30 a.m.!!!! I didn’t even know where the night went, it was such a fabulous party that I didn’t even bother to see the message from the guy that said he hoped I was having a good time at the party. I said goodbye to my friends and very drunkenly hailed a cab. I hadn’t had a late night like that in awhile and I knew already that I was going to pay for it the next day or shall I say…in a few hours when I would be waking up.
I woke up at 10 a.m. on Sunday and I knew that it wasn’t nearly enough sleep but my body just wouldn’t let me sleep anymore so with my pounding headache I did all the home remedies I could to cure my hangover because I knew that my date would be in a few hours. This wasn’t how I wanted to present myself the first time meeting this guy but I made the healthy smoothie, took the Advil, went to the gym to sweat it out and jumped in the shower at noon for we were meeting at Stecchino in Hell’s Kitchen at 1:15. I wasn’t feeling 100% but I certainly was starting to feel like myself again and when I got out of the shower there was a message from him. I thought it was going to be a fun message telling me how excited he is or that he is running a tad behind but it wasn’t the message I was expecting at all. The message said, “I’m sorry. I can’t do this. Something has come up.” One hour before we were to meet. This is a 39 year old man. A 39 year old social worker that deals with rough situations every single day and a 39 year old man that laid it on so thick over the past week and he is pulling this stunt? I sent a message asking him if everything is ok. He never responded and I still have yet to hear from him. I sat there with the towel around my waist and still dripping water from the shower. I wanted to throw my phone across the room. Not because of him but because of the situation. I forced myself to finish getting ready and didn’t want to tell any of my friends or family what had happened to me but of course, a few friends reached out and my mother did as well. I told them the truth and like the great people that they are, they were all supportive. I didn’t know what to do with the rest of my day. I knew that if I shopped to cheer myself up that I would end up hurting myself in the end financially so I cleaned my apartment.
I sent a text message to an ex of mine that I recently reconnected with two weeks ago and asked if he might be free later to grab a drink or an early dinner. Thankfully he was available and back to Arriba Arriba I went. As we sat there and him updating me on his weekend and me telling him what had happened, I was finally able to calm down. He put me at ease and I no longer cared about how disrespectful the guy had treated me. I guess in the grand scheme of things, the guy could have just let me go to the restaurant and wait for him without showing up (that has happened to me before). After two margaritas and some wonderful conversation it was time to call it a night. We were both exhausted from our overly social weekends and I think we both were yearning for our beds. We hugged and kissed goodbye and later on I got a text message from him telling me how happy and excited he is that we are hanging out again. It felt really nice to get that kind of message and with that, it was a nice bookend to the weekend.
Whether we are going back and forth with our thoughts, our emotions or even on a physical level this movement we live in, will be constant. It is a good idea every now and again to look back, reflect and ponder the “what if’s” or the “if only’s” but what we always need to be conscious of, is that we are here to move forward, keep pushing ourselves, going that extra mile in order to achieve our true transformation.
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