Me Understanding Me
There are so many sayings out there in the world all created to make us feel better about our situations. Most of these sayings come from our loved ones as a way for them to help us heal our wounds. Sayings like, “It’s his loss.” Or, “This all happened for a reason.” Of course, I have used these sayings myself to help my friends or family get through their tough times but sometimes you just need to have that pity party in order to make yourself feel better and usually in those pity parties there is only room for one person and that is YOU. You take that time to grieve, reflect and actually get to know yourself a little bit better. Maybe even understand yourself.
Last week was all about understanding. Monday started off with nothing but positive thoughts for me. I had just finished a nice date that Sunday with the guy I met at that event. It was our second date and it ended with a hug and a kiss. I really thought that a third date was on the horizon until that evening after the gym when I looked at my phone and there was an email from him. He thanked me for hanging out and said I was a really great guy and that he hoped I enjoyed our time together (wtf?) and it ended with him telling me he just doesn’t think there is a romantic connection between us. Whenever I receive these types of messages, regardless if they are the truth or not; I always thank them for at least letting me know and not leading me on and so I responded with a simple, “Thank you and good luck on your journey.” I am not going to sugar coat it. I was upset by his email. Not because of HIM per se but because of the entire situation. I just wasn’t sure how many more first dates I have in me. I only told a few friends of the news that night and like the wonderful people that they are; every message I got was, “He’s out there. Keep looking.” And, “You deserve much better than this.” But my favorite was, “Fuck him.” As much as I love my friends for always standing in my corner, the messages just couldn’t get me out of my funk. I knew and understood what I needed to do. I needed that good cry. You know exactly what I am talking about. That cry where afterwards you feel like everything has been lifted and all the stress is completely gone. Well, I couldn’t muster up the tears and so instead I went down to my local bodega and got some ice cream. Right before I went to bed I received a text message from a friend that told me that maybe sometimes why there is no connection with these guys out there is because I am so lucky to have some of the most amazing people as my friends that I am spoiled and that everyone compared to them seems ordinary. That didn’t require any brain power to process because he was absolutely correct.
I thought by the next day that my luck would change after my pity party on Monday but as I was getting ready for work, I decided that I wanted to wear a special necklace of mine and it needed some polishing beforehand. The clumsy person that I am, I forgot to close the drain to my bathroom sink and as I was rinsing my necklace off, the necklace slipped out of my hands and went right down the drain. Isn’t there another saying out there that goes, “Bad luck comes in threes?” Between the email and now my necklace, I was more than prepared for the third installment of the bad luck to come my way. As I sat down at my computer that day, I noticed that my watch was still an hour behind and as I was trying to fix the time; the damn watch broke. I pulled out the piece that actually turns the hands on the watch all the way out and it busted. Ok. That was that. This was not the week for me. I already accepted it and it was only Tuesday. Later on that day, I get a call from a fraud department and as the representative spoke to me in broken English, he informed me that someone opened a credit card under my name and that it was from some address in Brooklyn. Was all of this really happening all in one day? I couldn’t get over it. I asked them what I should do next since it all seemed so suspicious. He told me I need to go to my local police station, have them help me fill out a identity theft form then I have to find a notary public to have them verify that I am who I say I am. Then I am to take those forms and mail it to them. The idea of me entering a police station in New York City is something that would require a camera crew from the Bravo channel to follow me in on because I am sure it would make for excellent TV. The entire thing all seems so crazy and I have yet to go and the idea of me going to a police station is just downright comical.
On Wednesday, which marked the first day of spring, which you would never know these days in New York for it is still quite cold here also found me visiting a couple of friends of mine whom I haven’t seen in awhile. When I got to their apartment, it was nice and casual but what was supposed to be a simple dinner turned into a therapy session for my friend. This is also where we got this week’s title from, because he was explaining some of his issues to me and then he said something that struck me and it was, “It’s me trying to understand me.” As soon as my friend said that out loud, I reverted back to what my friend told me when he was trying to make me feel better about how I am spoiled with the friends that I have. It got me thinking about how I spend a lot of time helping my friends out, which is something that I love doing but by the time I am done with all of that there doesn’t leave a lot of time with me trying to figure out me. In fact, I hide behind my friends sometimes. Hiding behind them allows me at times to not face the things I need to face. It’s even easier to hide behind their happiness rather than trying to understand my own inner happiness. As we said our goodbyes and he thanked me for letting him get some stuff off his chest, I contacted Feathers right away and asked if I could visit his country house that weekend so that maybe I could take some time to not focus on anyone else but me.
On Thursday, I was looking forward to seeing some of my friends at the re-opening of the Joshua Liner Gallery, in Chelsea. It was also marking a moment where we would be meeting a friend’s boyfriend for the first time, which she also just moved in with. I knew that she was going to be nervous and not because of us but because whenever you introduce a new boyfriend to the circle, all you can think about is, “I hope they like him.” As I was walking to the gallery, I received a message via Facebook from this guy I had met a few years ago, coincidentally at my friends house whose new man we were about to meet. The message was asking me if I would like to get a drink sometime in the future. I responded back with saying that I would love to grab a drink sometime and gave him my number as a better way to communicate.
As we observed the art, I pulled my girlfriend aside to tell her that I really liked her new man and that she got my approval. Also, I needed to tell her about the out of the blue message I got from this guy that was a friend of hers. She immediately got shy and that is when it dawned on me. She was setting me up. I told her to explain herself and she said that he contacted her about something else and then she decided to throw my name in the conversation and really boost me up. Next thing I know, this guy is asking me out. After the gallery, we all set up shop at Feathers’ favorite place to eat, Dallas BBQ. It was at the table that I quickly began to understand a little bit about me. Being surrounded by these amazing people is something that I never take for granted and just being surrounded by all these couples also help put back together some of the faith that was broken earlier in the week.
Friday morning and the texting with the fix up guy had begun. Nothing flirtatious or anything that gave me the impression that he was interested in anything other than meeting up for a drink sometime and to be honest, I wasn’t sure he would even remember what I looked like. We hadn’t seen each other in a couple of years. I told him that I was leaving for the country and he had plans of his own, that included going to the Pink concert on Saturday. The minute I got in the car for the country and we were on the Westside Highway, I was already in a fantastic mood. All I wanted to do was stay in my sweat pants, eat, drink and sleep. All in that order and thankfully that is what they wanted to do as well.
On Saturday, I was surprised to see a text message from the guy asking me if I was enjoying my time out in the country. He told me how excited he was for the concert that night. I told him to take some pictures and told him one of my favorite songs by her. I took that entire day to reprogram my thinking, my belief in myself and to just let this past week go. Here I was, so fortunate enough to be in a beautiful home, surrounded by nature and I have amazing friends to experience it with. As we all were getting ready for bed, I looked at my phone and I didn’t even see his message come through. He remembered the song that I told him was my favorite and he recorded it from the concert that night and sent it to me. Things were definitely shifting.
Yesterday as we were in the car driving back to Manhattan, I got a message from the guy asking me if I had any plans that night. I actually didn’t and so I told him that I was free as a bird. He then asked me out to dinner. We agreed to meet at 7:30 at Lasagna in Chelsea. He was waiting outside for me when I arrived a few minutes late and as we sat down; I actually forgot how handsome he actually is. He took the lead in the conversation and I really appreciated that. He told me, “Let’s make this fun. You pick a drink for me and I will pick a drink for you.” I chose the wrong drink for him but he chose the right one for me…a Brazilian Cosmopolitan. Seeing that he is Italian, when our pasta dishes came, he taught me how to roll the pasta on the spoon like a true Italian and gave me a brief history on his life. Turns out we have a lot in common. For instance, when I told him my cross streets of where I live, he asked for my exact address and when I gave it to him; he informed me that he used to live in the very exact building that I live in now. The topic of children did come up and we both expressed our big desire to have children one day. After the meal, he said he didn’t want the night to end and suggested we go for a nightcap close by. We settled on a bar that I haven’t been to in a long time, G Lounge. When we got there, I was certain that I wasn’t going to run into any friends of mine and that I was in the safe zone. After two more cocktails, that is when it happened…he kissed me. I hadn’t been kissed like this in a long damn time. I felt the kiss in my knee caps. It was electric and when he pulled away he just said, “Wow. You are an excellent kisser.” I didn’t even know what my response was, it was like I had just tried a drug and my body wanted more but we were in public so we both collected ourselves. We noticed a group of drunk lesbians having a good time. So we joined them and he and I even danced a little slow dance right in the middle of the bar. As I excused myself to go to the bathroom I ran into a friend of mine along with three others. So much for being in the safe zone but they were cool enough not to make a scene and let me carry on with my date.
As we decided to call it a night and got onto 19th Street, he just said asked me, “I don’t want this to end. Would you be interested in coming back to my place to watch some TV and yes…to make out? ONLY make out.” Suddenly it was as if I was in one of those, Choose Your Own Adventure books and it was already late, we both were tipsy and one adventure had me going home to get a proper night rest and the other adventure had me going back to his place to kiss him until my lips fell off. I stopped, looked at him and said, “Let’s get a cab.”
This date was turning into much more than I ever anticipated. I was even wearing a very casual outfit and my underwear weren’t even that cute. We got to his place in Stuyvesant Town and he grabbed us some beers. He was a true Scorpio through and through. He took charge and while we tried to watch some TV show it was hard to concentrate. We made out on his couch like teenagers and when I looked at his DVR box and that the time indicated that it was past almost 1 a.m. I became Cinderella and quickly grabbed my shoes and headed for the door. Before I left I wanted to use the restroom one more time and when I looked in the mirror my entire face was red and it looked like I had a rash. It was his beard that totally agitated my skin. When I came out of the bathroom he laughed and apologized and said that the next time he will shave. Did he just say, “Next time?” He must have noticed my body react and he said, “Yes. I am seeing you again. You are too fun and I want to get to know you more.” So, with my beard burned face, we stood in his hallway and tried to say goodbye. I say “try” because we started making out again and it was intense. I kept throwing my head back and hitting my head on his concrete wall and this morning the back of my head is very tender. We kissed goodbye and he told me to text him when I got home. When I got home I told him that my beard burned face and I got home safely. When I went to bed last night, I finally understood another thing about me and what I was missing: PASSION. Not just on a sexual level but that passion you feel with someone else. A person that wants to want to be with you.
I got up this morning exhausted but in a good way. A few people noticed my beard burned face but nothing that time and moisturizer can’t take care of but it was worth it. I thanked my friend for setting it up and we shall see if this guy and I ever see each other again but this date certainly help me understand what I have been missing for years.
Life gets busy. Life gets complicated. Life gets so out of control at times that we lose ourselves. Taking the time to understand yourself isn’t as easy as you would think but putting some effort into it, you just might understand yourself a little bit better.
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