As I was sitting at a Five Guys burger joint on 34th street waiting to see the movie, The Vow, with a friend. I began to tell him of the experience I had two weeks ago with the married man. Every other person I told this story too gave me the look of horror or shook their head in disbelief. But this particular friend gave me some tough love.
He said to me, “So what if the guy was married or not. That is his shit. Not yours. You went there for sex and that is it.” I wasn’t expecting him to say these words to me but as he went on to say, “Men are dogs” and for me to go into any situation whether it is for dating, sex or even a cup of coffee with zero expectations for I will run a lesser chance of getting disappointed. No truer words have been spoken. I have heard this theory said many times before but never really actually sat down to think and process it.
We go through life hoping that every single life changing moment will be warranted with the expectations that we have already preconceived in our minds. As I continued to explore this theory of “zero expectations” I realized we do that with everything in our lives. From the movies we see, to the concerts we go to, to the restaurants we eat at and even with the people we date. And the minute that everything we were hoping for doesn’t live up to our expectations, we are immediately disappointed and we are right back where we started.
It was a vicious cycle that I intended to break even before the movie started. As the movie previews began, I thought to myself, “This movie is only going to be ok and I won’t enjoy it.” And going in with that mind set, I found myself being pleasantly surprised and get this…the movie actually exceeded my expectations.
While it probably is a smart way to begin thinking, I mean, who wants to be constantly disappointed? Isn’t one of our many strives in life is to achieve greatness and to find eternal bliss? Yet it goes without saying that if you don’t love yourself how can you expect someone else to love you in return but in the same token why are we constantly feeling defeated in matters of the heart? Could it be that since the day we were brought into this world we have been set up for constant disappointment?
The pony that daddy promised you if you were a good child and never manifested. The person that left someone at the altar right before the wedding or the job that after three interviews suddenly never came through. Maybe if we went into every single situation with expecting nothing that we just might get what we are wanting in the first place or at the very least can say to ourselves “everything happens for a reason.”
As I mentioned in the previous entries for the, Freedom to Marry, event that was held last Thursday; I certainly went in there with rather low expectations because fundraisers can be a huge hit or miss. And the minute I walked into the event and spotted several friends that were already having a drink in hand and ready to celebrate for the cause. It turns out the crowd was not only plentiful but also attractive. However, while I thought this event could be a great place to meet someone I got rather distracted by all my friends and catching up and of course taking advantage of the open bar. It was like a mini-Fire Island reunion minus the bathing suits and Planters Punch. Much to my surprise the hours flew by and they were already announcing the giveaways that were being auctioned off and that also meant that once the auction was over so was the party. After the last item was auctioned off I took my drunk-ass home and passed out.
The next day I was to have a first date with this man I met through a friend that sent me his online dating profile as a “suggestion” of someone I should contact/meet/date. I am one of the few remaining out there that doesn’t believe in Googling or going onto Facebook to find out more about a person. Some can see this, as being naïve for if this person was in jail or has a criminal record it is probably best to find out ahead of time before actually meeting face to face. But as for me…I like the element of being surprised. And of course, which brings me back to expectations. After a few email exchanges with this potential date I was completely turned off by his lack of manners and how I was having to do all the heavy lifting by picking a place; to which he didn’t like the first suggestion so I had to pick another place. Once that place was approved all I got in response from him was one word: “Better.” After speaking with a co-worker about this situation she suggested that I at least Facebook the guy. And so I logged on and typed in his name. The profile was of course locked but of a few photos were available and to my surprise he did not in fact look like what I was “expecting.” I had set my expectations rather high thinking that just because his manners were lacking doesn’t mean he can’t be cute and anyone can misread someone’s tone via email or text. But the minute I saw the photos I knew I was instantly not attracted to him and his lack of manners caught up with his appearance. While this next part will come across as shallow I decided that I needed to cancel the date immediately.
I am not one to cancel a date for I believe in the theory of “Don’t knock it till you try it.” But given my dating history, I decided that it would be best for me not to waist his or my time. And so I sent him a message via the dating site that I would need to cancel and I got no response from him. I am sure the message was received but there was still a tad of dating guilt that went along with me canceling at the last minute. I almost felt that I would get bad dating karma for canceling but considering that I followed my instinct I knew that I did the right thing.
Which leads me to where I am now. This past weekend I got a nasty head cold and was somewhat forced to stay close to home and get rest. Something I loathe doing is resting, sitting still and being forced to not leave my apartment. But I had to listen to my body and so I logged onto a dating site and began to message the many profiles out there. And let me tell you…the well of profiles is deep. I was amazed at how many people are actually out there searching for all sorts of things. Finally, yesterday, someone responded to my response and so began the email banter. Next was the phone number exchange and the texting began. And something I have never done before. I asked someone out on a date. Usually I wait for the guy to ask me out and again, “expecting” the grand gesture, “expecting” the date to be all planned out and “expecting” it to be magical. Now, not only have I asked someone out but he also said yes. It is still a process for me to change my thinking habits that “expecting” greatness from not only myself but of others but moving forward, I am going in with zero expectations with hopes that maybe…just maybe I might be pleasantly surprised and get the “Great Expectation” that I have been “expecting” all along.
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