Every single day is a constant resistance toward our urges and temptations. From dating to substance abuse issues and even our own health. Sometimes we even resist facing our own reality for fear of what will actually be staring us in the face. With all the chaos that we have in our lives; I couldn’t help but think if all this resisting is doing us any good?
It all started on Tuesday afternoon as I was sitting in my doctor’s office listening to him tell me that my immune system was shot. It wasn’t the news I wanted to hear, seeing that I thrive on always being on the go. However, it was my third time in less than a month being sick. He lectured me on taking better care of myself and prescribed me a very intense dosage of steroids in order to get myself somewhat back to normal. Then he scheduled me for a major round of tests later in the week. It was my own fault for resisting the idea of thinking all the time that I can always rest later. That my body will remain in tack as long as I go to the gym. The truth is, it boiled down to fear. Fear that I would be told that my body isn’t what it once was. Or even worse, that my sickness from a couple of years ago would present itself again.
As I left the doctor’s office, I ended up walking for a couple of hours until I was ready to walk into the pharmacy and pick up my prescription. I got home and didn’t want to take the medicine but I knew I needed to stop being a baby and so I took it. The side effects hit pretty hard, which consisted of me not being able to focus or even form sentences. I actually felt like my body was resisting what I was putting into it. I went to bed that night extremely frustrated and unfortunately the only person to blame in this situation was myself.
The next day, I was at work and could barely look at my computer. Things that normally took me a few minutes to do was now taking much longer. I was getting upset and didn’t know what to do. It was a rather long day and so once I was done with work, I went to the gym to take out all my aggravation. After the gym, I went home, showered and just starred at the T.V. Around 8:45, I got a text message from the guy I had a rather nice dinner date a few weeks ago. I was actually sick at the time we had our dinner date (which was technically our second date) but I managed to push through. I thought for sure during our dinner date that he would not be interested in me at all but turns out, he was really interested in me. We never did kiss on our second date because I was sick. Ever since that date a few weeks ago, we’ve kept in touch with each other. So, when I got his text message at 8:45 last Wednesday, I was surprised for it came out of nowhere. As he put it later on, he was being spontaneous.
He asked what I was doing and I told that I was home relaxing. He told me that he just finished attending this gala and was on his way home but wanted to see me if it was possible. I told him that it was possible and to meet me at Therapy bar in fifteen minutes. I opted to only have one beer because I was nervous about what the medication that I was on might do to me. He showed up looking dapper in his suit and he was the most flirtatious he had ever been. He asked how I was doing and I shared every detail of what was happening to my health. He, once again, surprised me with how sympathetic he was and held my hand and said, “You really need to slow down and take care of yourself.” Then, he leaned in and kissed me. We would proceed to kiss for about forty minutes before we decided that it was getting late. As we stood on the corner of 52nd Street and Ninth Avenue, waiting for the light to change; he put his arm around me, pulled me closer to him and kissed my forehead. It was the kind of affection I was looking for and we walked another avenue before he kissed me goodbye and got in a cab. We have our third date this week and I can honestly say, there is nothing about this guy as of now that I am wanting to resist.
Friday, 10:30 a.m. and I had been fasting since the night before in order to get my tests done that my doctor had ordered. Seven vials of blood later and I was told that I will not know anything for another week. There was nothing else left for me to do except to try and get some rest, take my medication and not think about what news might come in a week.
That night, I was attending a friend of mine’s birthday party. He has been going through his own personal hell and so it was nice to see him be happy even if it was for just a few hours. We met at a bar down in the Lower East Side before we all went to Sammy’s for dinner. The dinner was fantastic mainly because everyone was drinking, dancing and smiling. It was pure joy to see happiness on a friend’s face. After the meal, it was just me, my friend and his boyfriend where we ended up at some bar with video games. It was getting late, everyone was tired and I knew that I shouldn’t try to push myself too hard and so we said our goodbyes and I jumped in a cab.
On Saturday, it was the usual of running errands and the sun was out for a good portion of the day. It felt like it was just me and the city. I walked for hours, shopped and I was supposed to go to the movies with a friend but my friend had to cancel and so I ended up going to the movies by myself. I sat there for a few minutes with the feeling of being alone but I know I am not. Not even close. After the movie was over with, I was in no mood to socialize or be around anyone. I wasn’t sure if it was the medication making me feel this way or just an emotion that I was going through. So, I went into my apartment, turned my phone off, took a sleeping pill and decided not to deal with anything or anyone. I was, once again, resisting to deal with my reality.
Yesterday was Mother’s Day. It was a day that I knew was going to be very hard for a special friend of mine. I took it upon myself to organize a picnic in Central Park for him and our friends. It was also marking the first time that the city was going to hit 80 degrees. There wasn’t a cloud in the sky and the park was filled with all walks of life; including us. We ate, we drank, we laughed and there wasn’t one melancholy moment for any of us. As I sat there looking around at my group of friends; I realized that we all are going through our own personal resistance, struggles and battles. That if we didn’t have each other in our lives; we’d probably be in totally different positions. I was grateful for them and for the day.
After the picnic, we all went downtown to freshen up and go to the, Rusty Knot. Beers, shots of tequila and the party was still going. Time had suddenly lapsed for me and before I knew it; my friends were starting to leave one by one and I somehow met this one guy that bought me a drink. This is where I feel rather embarrassed about my actions. My friend, before he was leaving, asked if I was ok with hanging out with this guy. I told him, “Yes. I’m fine. I will text you later.” Now, it was just the guy and I where he kept on asking me to do this shot, cleverly titled, “The Baby Maker.” I couldn’t resist the offer and so we did the shot, to which he then said, “Do you want to go back to my place?” I shook my head and before I knew it; we were heading to my friend’s apartment first so I could pick up my bag. I told him to wait in the cab while I grabbed my stuff. I came out of the apartment building and he was still there. We both were pretty drunk and I had no clue what time it was or where I was going for that matter.
We get to his apartment, begin to make out and as he was on top of me, he passed out!!! I pushed this half naked man off of me, grabbed my clothes and went to the bathroom to get dressed. As I was in the bathroom, I looked inside his medicine cabinet, took my phone out and took a picture of all the pill bottles he had in there. When I got out of the bathroom, he was snoring so loud and I should’ve taken a picture of this half naked man passed out but that would’ve been cruel. I put my shoes on very quietly, grabbed my bag and got the hell out of that apartment. When I got outside, I looked at my phone and it was only 9:30. I hailed a cab, stopped to get some food and went home. All in all, it was a great day, even having shots with “The Baby Maker.”
Every single day is a constant resistance toward our urges and temptations. We all want what we can’t have. We have constant battles with our demons that sometimes we win and other times we pay the price for when we lose. It’s never easy, no one ever said it would be. However, maybe the real prize in the end when we resist our urges and temptations is a peaceful state of mind, compassion toward others, understanding what is right in front of us and maybe even better health.
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