Intuitions, premonitions, omens, portent, signs, consciousness and gut instincts; we all have experienced these types of feelings. It these kinds of feelings that can make the hair on your arms stand up when you acknowledge them but what happens when you ignore all these so called glimpses into the future and what does it do to your fate? I couldn’t help but to wonder…are these gut instincts designed to help us or to drive us crazy?
After a fantastic first date with The Engineer two Saturday’s ago, I was feeling like I was on a cloud nine and I had such a feeling inside that led me to think that just maybe something might develop from this. He was attentive; he communicated rather well and was interested in learning more about me. So, by the time Tuesday of last week rolled around I noticed a change in him. He called me to say that work has become insane and that he would be working around the clock until his crisis was resolved. I chose to believe him and I was rather excited about what I was going to be doing that evening anyhow that I didn’t need a man to distract me.
That evening I was going all by myself to a meeting with other gay/lesbian people to discuss the options of becoming a parent. I have known all my life that one of my roles is to become a parent and regardless of whether or not I am attached will not alter my decision process in making this dream come true. As I shook hands with the leader of the group, I quickly noticed that it was all couples that were attending this meeting and that I was the only single person there. I didn’t care; in fact, I didn’t even want to hear about their stories for I was there to gather as much information as possible. I was the only person there with a notebook and pen and I was taking notes feverishly as if I was going to be quizzed on it later. Once the meeting was over and I hit the streets, I knew I had done the right thing and every single cell in my body told me that I was on the right path to making this become a reality.
After the meeting, I received a text message from The Engineer telling me that he misses me and can’t wait to laugh with me. It was the perfect way to bookend the incredible energy that I was already feeling. He suggested we meet up some time this weekend for a proper second date. I told him that I was looking forward to it. I ended up meeting a couple of friends of mine at the bar, Boxers, for some beers and to catch up. As I told them not only about the great date that I had with The Engineer, I also shared with them my baby meeting. They were happy for me, of course, but one of them asked me if I should wait and would I rather have a baby with a partner. The answer is simple: Yes. Of course, I’d love to have someone to not only help raise this amazing person but to share the experience with. That being said, I also will not wait for this man to come into my life in order to fulfill my destiny. This will happen with or without a man. As we all said goodbye to each other and I rode the subway home, I felt amazing. In the matter of one day, I was able to have such a wonderful experience at the baby meeting, I heard from The Engineer and I was able to share it with some of my friends. I was a very lucky person.
It is very easy after one date or one kiss to want to put some eggs into the basket, but as a seasoned dater, I knew that I am not to put any egg into anyone’s basket for fear of having egg smeared across my face. So, with that, I agreed to go on a date with another guy, just to take the edge off of The Engineer. This new date was brought to you by Match.com. We had exchanged some rather fun emails and when he asked me out for this past Wednesday, my intuition told me that it probably is not for the best but I went against my better judgment and went along for the date because he was kind enough to ask me. The afternoon of our date, I knew better than to go because he sent me an email that said: “Just wanted to let you know before we meet that I like my coffee black. I am sexually aggressive and I am a top.” This didn’t take a brain surgeon for me to know that this guy was probably going to be a little crazy but it was too late to cancel now.
I didn’t give him my phone number, for once again, my gut was telling me that it was best not to do so but if he was running late I would want to know. So, in response to his clever email, I gave him my number just in case something came up. We agreed to meet at the wine bar, Ardesia, which is only a few blocks away from my apartment. Of course, he arrives to the wine bar early and sends me a text message that has all these smiley faces along with X’s and O’s in it. We haven’t even met yet and already with the hugs and kisses? I finally arrive and there he was, he looked somewhat like his photo, he wasn’t ugly but he also wasn’t someone that would normally turn my head. I sat down and he immediately went into his life story. Every single time I tried to chime in and give some detail about me, he would hold his hand up in my face and say, “Yes. I know this. I read your profile.” All I could think about was finishing this one glass of wine and getting the hell back home. I would have no such luck for he was talking a mile a minute. Unfortunately, the things that were coming out of his mouth were either rude or incredibly offensive. To make matters worse, he had a lisp that gave Cindy Brady a run for her money.
Things changed rather quickly after I learned about his job, his family and where he is from. He began to talk about when we are married and what things he will and will not put up with. He said things like, “When we are married, I will not be open to the idea of having someone else come into our marriage.” At first, I thought he was joking but he did not crack a smile once. After him going into detail on how our marriage would work, I finally got some time to respond and I told him, “I don’t think we are getting married any time soon so let’s just try and enjoy this time.” It was as if I didn’t say a word to him. He then stopped on the marriage topic and moved onto our sex life. He asked me if I had any sexual fetishes that he should know about because as he put it…”I am a Scorpio. I am a sexual person. In our marriage I would want sex five times a day but I know we have careers so at best I would want it a minimum of three times a week.” I told him that he really needs to back off on this marriage talk and that this is all making me rather uncomfortable. He said he understood and once again, it was if I said nothing to him because he went onto tell me, “If you have a weird fetish, for instance, you want to be a baby and get diapered. I would let you suck on my nipple for milk. I wouldn’t like it but you are my husband and I want you to be happy.” That was it. I had hit my limit. I told him to please stop talking for one second about marriage, diapering and just let’s settle the bill. He didn’t hear a word I said and ordered another glass of wine. When his second glass of wine arrived, he was so animated about the story he was telling me that he knocked the glass of merlot all over the floor. The glass broke, the wine went everywhere and so I told him that I would go and get the waiter to tell them about the accident. He told me not to move and to let the wait staff handle it for it is their job to do so. That was it. He pushed me too far to treat other human beings like that. I told him I was done and I was going home. He paid the bill and followed me outside. He insisted on walking me home, and I foolishly told him that my apartment was only a few blocks away. So, we walked in silence until I arrived at my apartment building. I told him that I hope he gets home safely and he said, “What? I don’t get a kiss?” I told him no kiss and put out my hand to shake his. He leaned in and gave me a hug and while hugging me he sniffed my neck. He said I smelled amazing. I pushed him back and walked inside and I wasn’t even to my door when he sent a text message saying he had a nice time and was looking forward to seeing me next. Delete. I went to bed that night feeling very appreciative of the great first date I had with The Engineer for this one left me feeling gross.
When I woke up the next morning on Thursday, all I could think about was that it was a new day, fresh start and that horrible date never happened to me. I sent the bad date an email when I got into work that morning and told him that there is no connection and wished him good luck. He responded back with, “Ok. Captain.” That was easier than I was expecting but if he behaves on all his dates like he did with me, I am sure he is used to those types of responses. It had been a couple of days since I heard from The Engineer and I was getting the distinct feeling that he was pulling back. I am a firm believer that if someone wants to see you, talk to you or hear from you that they will make the time no matter how crazy their lives might be. That evening, I was meeting a couple for dinner at, Copelia, this cute Cuban restaurant in Chelsea. It was what I needed to keep from thinking about The Engineer and to not have to think about that heinous date from the night before. As I told my friends about the date they both just shook their heads for there was really nothing to say to it other than I really dodged a bullet.
Friday finally arrived and the last I had heard from The Engineer was on Tuesday and by lunch time I still had not heard a word from him. When I came back from picking up my lunch, there it was, my phone alerting me that he had sent me a text message. I was nervous to read it because a part of me knew what might be coming and another part wanted to believe in the positive. All it said was “Kisses.” I responded with, “I am not sure how you want me to respond to that.” Our text messages went back and forth for a bit. However, the biggest highlight was when he wrote and said, “You have impacted my life, after only one date.” He said he was sorry for being absent and if we could have a late night drink thing on Saturday or even do brunch on Sunday. I agreed and told him to keep me posted for I would be out and about on Saturday anyway.
When you say the words, “My gut instinct is telling me…” it is always best to really think about exactly why your instincts are telling you this is either a good or bad thing. I chose not to think about what my feelings were telling me, instead I chose to ignore them and push forward. I had a friend that was going through a disappointing situation with a guy he had been seeing and he was needing some quality time to talk things out, so when he suggested I meet him at, The John Dory, that afternoon I didn’t mind at all for what he needed most was to be distracted, to talk it out and to be surrounded by love. As we sat there and he was giving me the play by play of what had happened to him, I thought about how hard it is to tell my friend to stay positive and not give up when I was sitting across from him hoping that my phone would ring and that it would be my date telling me what time to be ready. I felt like a phony. There I was doing my best to provide insight for my friend to make him feel better about his situation when behind the scenes my dating life is a complete and utter disaster. I hid it well behind my champagne as my other friends showed up, everyone just assumed I was happy and deep down I just wanted to go home and hide. It was only 6 p.m. but the signs were all there…The Engineer was not going to contact me.
After we all said goodbye, I was walking home and received a text message from another friend asking me to swing by for some beers. I decided that I am not going to spend a Saturday night at home eating bad comfort food and become a cliché. So, I met him at Gym bar and I did my best not to focus on my situation but rather the fact that I have such amazing friends that I am never fully alone. We ended up meeting some other friends of ours in Hell’s Kitchen and checked out the new Boxers bar that had just opened. It just wasn’t my night, I was “off” and I was very relieved when my friend suggested we leave after 1 a.m. I went home and yes, I was disappointed in The Engineer but if I needed any sign that he was not interested, this was it.
Waking up on a Sunday when I had no brunches planned, no hang over to cure or even any errands to run; I was left feeling useless. I don’t relax that easily and it was even hard for me to drink coffee and read the paper. I couldn’t take it anymore, so I showered, packed up the laptop and decided to walk around until I found a coffee shop that wasn’t packed. I couldn’t find one location that didn’t have a million people waiting in line for their coffee or hogging up the tables. Somehow I managed to end up on the Upper West Side and so, I decided to walk through Central Park.
New York City can be the perfect background for any emotion you might be feeling. Yesterday was certainly no exception, for there I was standing in the middle of the park and observing my surroundings. It was grey, over cast, depressing and there wasn’t a leaf on any of the trees. The air was damp and all around me were couples pushing their strollers, holding hands and juggling their coffees while having deep conversations. As I began to walk again, that is when I received it. I felt my phone vibrate and there it was…the message from The Engineer. I didn’t need any type of omen or premonition to tell me what I was about to read for I knew exactly what was coming my way. As I read it, it was a lengthy text message telling me that he is sorry that he has disappointed me. That he does have a rather demanding job and that it is very hard for him to date me. He continued by telling me he thinks I am an amazing person and that the next guy that gets me is a very lucky person.
I was angry. Not at him, I mean, it was only one date, but he was honest and didn’t have me wondering about all the “what if’s.” However, my anger over rode everything I tell others about dating. I SHOULD have left the message alone, accepted it and moved on. Instead, I responded to him that I never said I have a problem with someone having a demanding job what I DO have a problem with is having someone leave me in the dark and not giving me the proper respect. Of course, he didn’t respond. Why should he? I just proved to him that he got under my skin. I decided that I was done. It is over with and so I took my phone and put it at the bottom of my bag.
I had dinner plans with my girlfriends later that evening but I was certainly in no mood for coffee and I had some time to kill. So, I walked from Central Park and ended up in the West Village not really sure what to do. I know I didn’t want to shop for that is a slippery slope with me and I didn’t feel like being social at all. Instead, I found myself walking into a bar that I have been in only a handful of times…Stonewall. It was just what I needed, the bar was empty, dark and I knew I didn’t have to be “on” or try to impress anybody.
I grabbed a seat right at the bar and asked the bartender, whose attire consisted of jeans and boots. No shirt and no underwear. I ordered a Blue Moon and did my best to forget about the day’s events. I wasn’t even there five minutes before this man comes up and sits next to me. I could tell immediately that he was shit faced. Doing my best to ignore him and not make eye contact with; I would have no such luck at avoiding this man. The first thing he said to me was, “I am here to look for cute guys.” I didn’t respond and just gave a small smile and took a swig from my beer. Apparently he didn’t care for my lack of interest in what he was saying and said, “You are cute enough. Not my type whatsoever but I guess you are cute.” Again, I didn’t say anything to him. He asked me my age and I told him, to which he responded with, “Wow. You are getting old. You are single? You better find someone while you can because you will end up like me. Again, you are cute enough I guess but seriously…you are not my type.” That was it. I didn’t know what I did to the world but it was kicking my ass left right and center. I grabbed my bag, coat and left a perfectly cold beer on the bar. I know the man was just a drunk and will probably not even remember today all the mean things he said but when you are down already and some stranger kicks you; you can’t help but wonder why these things keep happening?
Met some girlfriends of mine at, Saxon and Parole, for dinner and it felt wonderful; and I did my best to not let my issues come between the time I was having with them. We closed the place down and on the cab ride home that I shared with one of my friends back to Hell’s Kitchen; it occurred to me that we really need to pay closer attention to what our instincts are telling us. Our lives that we live can resemble the life in the jungle and if we don’t pay attention to our instincts; we can end up chewed up and devoured.
Face it. We have all said at one point or another, “I should have trusted my gut instincts.” Maybe it isn’t so much that we should focus on the “instinct” part but rather the “trust” part. Besides, trust is the basis for any successful relationship from the work force to romance. However, the trust that we have within ourselves is the kind that we need to focus on the most, sometimes it comes in whisper and other times it is screaming right in your ears. So there you have it, actually we all have it, intuitions, premonitions, omens, portent, signs, consciousness and gut instincts. If we listen to them, we just might be able to avoid some of life’s curveballs.