"Update" NYC

Two weeks ago I was on my way to Phoenix to see my family for a long weekend. I hadn’t seen them since the holidays and I was just missing my young nieces so badly that the trip was kind of a last minute decision on my part. The entire weekend was a whirlwind but the times I enjoyed the most was when we were all in the car and my nieces requesting me to sit next to them, watching them at gymnastics class or them wanting me to take them to school. It is always nice to be wanted in life but when it is unconditional there is nothing like it. Over the course of the weekend, I couldn’t help but look at the girls and wonder just how much longer they will be able to hold onto their innocence. It was there that I realized that that is why parents have such a hard time seeing their children go off in the wrong direction. You want your children to remain as innocent for as long as possible before the big bad world grabs a hold of them. Which got me thinking on my way back to New York if it is ever possible to return to some of our own innocence?

That Monday when I landed in Newark airport, I was grateful that I took an early flight for I still had an entire afternoon and evening to get things done. So after a quick workout, I walked all the way down to the Lower East Side to meet some girlfriends of mine at Freeman’s.  Over several bottles of wine, I realized that I was drunk and I had work the next day. So, I shared a cab with my good friend and I made sure to drink a lot of coconut water before passing out.

I was looking forward to Wednesday because I was seeing friends of mine that I feel like I hadn’t seen in a very long time. We were meeting at Taco Salvation which is inside the Pod Hotel. The drinks are amazing and the rooftop view is excellent. I told myself to not get more than two drinks for I had a first date the next day and I didn’t want to look like shit. After two rather strong cocktails, I said goodbye to everyone, grabbed a cab and once again, made sure I drank plenty of coconut water before going to sleep.

Thursday had presented itself and I was amazed at how fast the week was going by. After work, I thought I had enough time to attend a yoga class, get ready and meet my date all by 8. This guy was a someone I had met at one of those single events I attended last month. The only thing I really remember about him was that he was tall, bald and wore glasses. So, when he suggested we meet up for drinks, I took it as a good sign that things might be taking a turn for the better. My yoga class ran late and I took longer to get ready than I had planned so I was already off to a bad start with texting the date that I would be about fifteen to twenty minutes late. His response back to me was that he didn’t mind and that he would be waiting for me on the roof deck. We were meeting at the new Boxers in Hell’s Kitchen. When I finally arrived to the bar, he was already two drinks in and surrounded by a group of younger people.

I said hello to him and the first thing he said was, “You smell great.” However, he said it in a very thick Russian accent. NOW, I remembered him. He was from the Ukraine. I went to the bar to grab a drink and I offered to get him one but he said abruptly, “I had two drinks already waiting for you. I am done drinking.” I couldn’t tell if his tone was filled with annoyance or the fact that he was from the Ukraine. When I got back, I decided it was time to get to know him. What I learned was that he is unemployed and isn’t sure what he wants to do next or if he wants to go back to work at all. Lives in Brooklyn and wanted to know my opinion on the difference between a hook-up versus sex. It was there that I knew this date was going to go downhill fast. Before I could answer his question, he asked me if I had a Grindr account. I told him that I do not. He was shocked saying all gay men should have an account. To which I said, “Well, I am not like all gay men.” He didn’t like that answer and went back to the topic of hooking up. After I finished my one and only drink (even on my worse dates, I have at least two drinks) but after I finished my drink, I told him that it was getting late and that I should be going. He left with me and on the street corner I told him to get home safely but I don’t think a second date is going to happen. He said he understood and left. I went home and was relieved that I didn’t waist the money by buying a second drink.

Friday and I was seeing Mr. B. For those that might have forgotten about Mr. B. He was the guy that I met on Fire Island last year and has a young son. I hadn’t seen him since his holiday party last year when it was apparent that things between us were not going to move in a romantic direction. So, after several weeks of trying to get something on our calendars we finally agreed on meeting at Boxers (back to the scene of Thursday’s crime). He sent a text message to me saying he was running a bit late and I didn’t mind since the sun was out and I took that time to decompress my day. He sent another text that said his boyfriend had finals and that he might join us. Boyfriend? Joining us? Maybe this was his not-so- subtle way of telling me that he is seeing someone.

When they arrived, I decided to just let things go and get to know the new boyfriend. After several questions about his finals, just moving to New York and being an intern, I ended my questions with his age. The young man is 21 years old. I just gave a judgmental look at Mr. B. and he knew what the look was about. He looked down to the ground and didn’t make eye contact with me because he knew that the entire situation is not right. As the drinks continued, Mr. B. said he was hungry, so I suggested we just go to Therapy where he could get snacks. Not more than five minutes of being there all of the sudden two more of Mr. B.’s friends show up unannounced. This was not the evening I had planned and so if he can play that game than I would be doing the same. So, I went the bathroom and text messaged a friend of mine to come and rescue me from this evening. After we finished our drinks, we went back to one of the new guy’s apartment and finally my friend showed up.  I didn’t want to be in that apartment and so we then went to Industry where we were able to ditch everyone and it was just my friend and I doing some shots and having some beers before calling it an early night. Not sure I will be seeing Mr. B. again for a long time for the time that we haven’t seen each other, he certainly has changed.

When I woke up on Saturday, the sun was already out and there wasn’t a cloud in the sky. New York City was finally getting some spring time weather. I did a bunch of errands before I was to meet a friend of mine whom I recently got back in touch with. Ok. Yes. We did date but that was a long time ago, probably even during a time when I was much more innocent, young and well…naïve. But the nice thing about this reconnection is to be able to witness a great guy that is very happy now with his current partner. We were meeting at 44 ½ for a nice relaxing brunch and it was just what the doctor ordered. We caught each other up, sitting outside drinking mimosas as the sun hit our bodies. After the brunch, we both went our separate ways to do some shopping. I decided that it might be best to lie down for a bit before going out again.

I got dressed and back out into the city I went. I was going to a friend’s dinner party who was celebrating his new apartment along with the fact that his family was in town. We were greeted with open arms by his family and it was simply sweet seeing him so happy around his parents and friends. You can tell by the look on his face that not only did he make the right choice of moving into his new home but that he loves his family very much. Many drinks later, I looked at my watch and saw the hideous time of 4 a.m.!!!! Grabbing a friend of mine that happens to live on the same street as me and we got in a cab and took ourselves home. This time I knew I might end up looking like shit for I had a new first date on Sunday that I was looking forward to.

I don’t even know how this is possible but I woke up and wasn’t hung over. I was tired but I wasn’t feeling nauseous at all. You may remember two weeks ago, I was to meet a new guy I had met through OKCupid for a brunch and one hour before we were to meet, he sent me a text message that just said, “I’m sorry. I can’t do this. Sorry for the last minute cancelation.” Well, he contacted me while I was away in Phoenix with my family and apologized for him canceling and that he just had a lot going on and would be open to meeting again. I decided to accept his apology and suggested we should go back to the same spot we were going to have brunch at. So, I made the reservations earlier last week and over the week him and I talked on the phone, exchanged several fun and flirty text messages. His last response to me was on Saturday telling me that he is always punctual and that I better not be late or else. So, despite my few hours of rest, I made it a point to not be late and show up on time. In fact, I was three minutes early.

I told the hostesses that I would just sit at the bar and wait. The place wasn’t too crowded and the only person at the bar was a woman that had all this paperwork spread out on the bar, along with her iPad , cell phone and her luggage. After ten minutes went by, I sent a text message to the guy telling him that I had arrived. No response. Twenty minutes went by and I called him and told him that I was here but the hostess was asking me if it was ok to let my table go for other patrons. No response. After I left the message with him, the woman overheard me and said, “Are you waiting for a date? You might want to grab a drink to take the edge off.” I told her, “No. I am good. I don’t want to come across as a drunk on the first date.” She smiled and said that it was a good idea. Thirty minutes go by and it happened. I got stood up. He was doing it to me again. I couldn’t believe this 39 year old social worker was standing me up and making me feel so vulnerable. The bartender was also part of the conversation and said, “I am really sorry man. You can have any drink you want. On the house for that sucks what just happened to you.” I took my free drink and drank it as quickly as possible for I wasn’t sure if I was going to cry and I sure as hell didn’t want these strangers to witness that. I left the bartender a nice tip for being so kind to me and I left. I didn’t know where to go or what to do because I had a birthday party that was still hours away. I wasn’t even sure if I should even go to the birthday party for my friend because my self esteem had been crushed and wasn’t feeling like I would be good in a social setting.

Not really knowing what to do, I just walked around the city for hours. I was becoming angry the more and more I was thinking about what had just happened to me. It is never ok at any age to ever stand someone up. If you don’t like someone, than after one cup of coffee or drink, you simply leave but you do not fall of the face of the earth and ignore someone. When I finally got to my friend’s birthday party at Ninth Ward, I told myself that being there surrounded by these amazing people just might be what I needed to keep my mind from wondering down a dark path. I paced myself with the beers because I knew that while my mind was severely depressed that I couldn’t let my bad news effect the reason why I was there and I didn’t want to get emotional at my friends party. After a few beers, my body was telling me to go home, eat some comfort food and get some rest. Which is exactly what I did and I never contacted the guy again and he never contacted me. I went to bed last night with a pretty bruised ego but I know like all bruises that they heal and go away. Just like this entire experience, I will heal and it will all go away.

Can we ever go back to being completely innocent again? Probably not. We may have traded Noxema for anti-wrinkle creams, allowances for paychecks and notes where you checked yes or no when you liked someone for an email. After all, we are the ones that create our own chaos and we no longer have our parents to guide us in the right direction or to make things better when we fall down. We may never be able to return to our original innocence but that certainly doesn’t mean we can’t ever visit from time to time.

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The world we live in is constantly moving and with all that movement sometimes in our lives we can feel like we are just spinning our wheels and not really going anywhere. Yet at times, the world moves so fast that we can’t even keep up with it. The minute anything happens in the world, it is broadcasted all over the internet and we all have been programmed to have this constant need for access right at your fingertips. With all of this back and forth, push/pull, give and take, I couldn’t help but wonder if all of this movement is making us move forward or are we just spinning in circles?

I certainly felt as if my own wheels were spinning as I was ordering a glass of red wine and sitting myself at a table in Bartini last Monday. When I sat down at the table I couldn’t help but think of how far I haven’t come after dating all these years in Manhattan. Across the table from me, with his iPad in hand was a matchmaker. After attending two of his single events and rather enjoying myself, the host of these events also happens to be a matchmaker and so he suggested that we have a meeting so he can help me. The entire situation had me feeling so vulnerable but I had made the commitment to meet him and so I decided to push through and answer all of his questions. Questions that I have asked myself a million times and when the question came to describe “my type”, I knew exactly how to answer because this type of guy for me hasn’t changed in all these years. Once the meeting was over with, I looked at my phone and there was a message from a guy I had met through OKCupid and we had just started text messaging. I guess the bottom line is that never put all of your faith into one thing because you need to try all avenues in order to achieve your goals and maybe I wasn’t going to be spinning anymore but ready to move forward.

On Wednesday, I found myself at Arriba Arriba meeting a dear friend of mine who had managed to turn his life completely around. Several years ago he was his own worst enemy and now he is his own best friend. It was a true testament that life will certainly hand you some shitty cards but how you play your next hand is completely up to you. I told him how proud I was of him, his life and his future. It was one of those nights where I was impressed with how you can truly and honestly change your life if you want to.

All through the week, the guy from OKCupid was contacting me first whether it was through text messaging and even calling…yes someone actually called. We talked on the phone and had an amazing conversation and eventually led to us determining a day to meet. We settled on Sunday for a fun brunch that would include unlimited champagne. I was really looking forward to the date. This guy was proving himself to have some potential.

Thursday after the gym, I was meeting a friend and his boyfriend at their apartment for dinner. It was nice to see them both and as I sat at their dinner table it hit me just how much these two people love each other. How excited they are just to finish the school they are in right now, so that they can start building a future together; there was no back and forth with this couple. They only want to move forward and it was nice to see and hear. I left that night feeling extremely happy for them both and can’t wait to see how their story unfolds.

It had certainly felt like a long work week and so when Friday showed up, I was more than ready to relax and wash the week away. So I did some shoe shopping and then met up with an ex boyfriend of mine and his current boyfriend at their apartment for some wine and snacks. As they went on and on about their search for the perfect apartment and how it was becoming more of a whining game, I suddenly just looked at the both of them and told them that they are lucky to even be in the position that they are in. They have money, a great relationship, health, etc. and the fact that they are even in the position to be a couple looking for a new home that everyone should just relax and count their blessings. It became rather apparent that some of my own personal issues were coming out and being projected onto them. I excused myself to the bathroom, splashed some cold water on my face and told them that I should get home and so I left.

Saturday morning after yoga and I was greeted with a text message from the guy I was meeting on Sunday. This was really shaping up to be an awesome day. He told me how he is looking forward to finally getting the chance to meet me, how he will be there on time and that if nothing else comes out of it that at least we will have a good time. I told him that I agreed with everything he was saying and that I would do my best to show up on time. After doing some more shoe shopping, I went home to take a power nap and began to get ready for some amazing friends of mine were hosting a welcome party for a friend of ours.

The party was a hit, actually it was bigger hit than I was expecting. Every single person there was in good spirits and it felt so nice to be surrounded by family. I can’t even tell you how many people were there but it was packed and the drinks were flowing and I sure as hell was partaking of the festivities. When the party started to thin out, I looked at my phone and it said, 3:30 a.m.!!!! I didn’t even know where the night went, it was such a fabulous party that I didn’t even bother to see the message from the guy that said he hoped I was having a good time at the party. I said goodbye to my friends and very drunkenly hailed a cab. I hadn’t had a late night like that in awhile and I knew already that I was going to pay for it the next day or shall I say…in a few hours when I would be waking up.

I woke up at 10 a.m. on Sunday and I knew that it wasn’t nearly enough sleep but my body just wouldn’t let me sleep anymore so with my pounding headache I did all the home remedies I could to cure my hangover because I knew that my date would be in a few hours. This wasn’t how I wanted to present myself the first time meeting this guy but I made the healthy smoothie, took the Advil, went to the gym to sweat it out and jumped in the shower at noon for we were meeting at Stecchino in Hell’s Kitchen at 1:15. I wasn’t feeling 100% but I certainly was starting to feel like myself again and when I got out of the shower there was a message from him. I thought it was going to be a fun message telling me how excited he is or that he is running a tad behind but it wasn’t the message I was expecting at all. The message said, “I’m sorry. I can’t do this. Something has come up.” One hour before we were to meet. This is a 39 year old man. A 39 year old social worker that deals with rough situations every single day and a 39 year old man that laid it on so thick over the past week and he is pulling this stunt? I sent a message asking him if everything is ok. He never responded and I still have yet to hear from him. I sat there with the towel around my waist and still dripping water from the shower. I wanted to throw my phone across the room. Not because of him but because of the situation. I forced myself to finish getting ready and didn’t want to tell any of my friends or family what had happened to me but of course, a few friends reached out and my mother did as well. I told them the truth and like the great people that they are, they were all supportive. I didn’t know what to do with the rest of my day. I knew that if I shopped to cheer myself up that I would end up hurting myself in the end financially so I cleaned my apartment.

I sent a text message to an ex of mine that I recently reconnected with two weeks ago and asked if he might be free later to grab a drink or an early dinner. Thankfully he was available and back to Arriba Arriba I went. As we sat there and him updating me on his weekend and me telling him what had happened, I was finally able to calm down. He put me at ease and I no longer cared about how disrespectful the guy had treated me. I guess in the grand scheme of things, the guy could have just let me go to the restaurant and wait for him without showing up (that has happened to me before). After two margaritas and some wonderful conversation it was time to call it a night. We were both exhausted from our overly social weekends and I think we both were yearning for our beds. We hugged and kissed goodbye and later on I got a text message from him telling me how happy and excited he is that we are hanging out again. It felt really nice to get that kind of message and with that, it was a nice bookend to the weekend.

Whether we are going back and forth with our thoughts, our emotions or even on a physical level this movement we live in, will be constant. It is a good idea every now and again to look back, reflect and ponder the “what if’s” or the “if only’s” but what we always need to be conscious of, is that we are here to move forward, keep pushing ourselves, going that extra mile in order to achieve our true transformation.  

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Every single day of our lives we make choices. Sometimes we are fully aware of them and other times we make these choices without thinking. For instance, the route we commute to work each and every single morning is our choice but we don’t even think twice about it because it is part of our routine. However, the choices we make over things like taking that job, ending that relationship or buying that home are choices we contemplate, analyze and drive ourselves crazy over. We rely on magic eight balls, flipping a coin, therapists and our loved ones to help us make important choices in our lives that I couldn’t help but wonder, if we are even capable of making a decision on our own?

As the beginning of last week started, I told myself that as I was choosing what to write for this week, that I would put my money where my words were going and decided to make all my decisions and choices all on my own. No crutches. Turns out, it is a lot harder than you think.

I found myself on unfamiliar grounds when I decided to meet up with an ex-boyfriend of mine last Tuesday. I dated this great guy back when I was 22 years old and over the past twelve years our relationship had been reduced to a friendly wave or kind hello mainly on Fire Island during the summer. So, when we both agreed to meet last Tuesday at the bar, Therapy, neither one of us really knew what to expect or say for that matter.

As our first drinks arrived, we did your typical small talk with updating each other on our lives with work, family and since he follows the blog, he knows all too well about my dating life. By the time the second drink came around, I could tell we were becoming more relaxed and our topics grew deeper about our past/current relationships and our futures. Finally, after the small talk it was time to talk about the past; something we never really did after I ended things.

Not really thinking that after all these years that revisiting the past would end up causing some deeper thinking but there it was. There was a confession from him, that right when I ended things is when he began falling in love with me. I had no idea at the time and again, I was 22 years old and didn’t know left from right. It is always an interesting feeling to hear someone tell you these things when you really had no clue. It is also an even more interesting feeling to think that you broke someone’s heart that you really cared for. After all the confessing, which included me telling him that when we dated it was almost too good to be true and that is why I freaked out and ended things, that I knew I made the right choice back then to end things. I would have never experienced the things that I have been fortunate to see and do and the applied for him. However, the part that stung me the most was when the topic of children came around. I told my ex that I was in the early stages of getting my ducks in a row to have a baby and he told me that he and his partner are also in the early stages as well of adopting a baby. There it was. The life I could have had all wrapped up in a bow. The great guy, the apartment in the city, the house on Fire Island and now the baby. It was there that I knew that the choice I made to end things for he was getting the life he also wanted with someone that he loves. We hugged goodbye on the street and by the time I got home, I was happy for him and happy for his future. Mine wasn’t exactly as planned but then again, nothing has been since I arrived here in New York. We sent a message to each other that we will not wait another twelve years to have a drink and I
went to bed that night hopeful for a brighter future.

Last Monday, I was working when I was contacted by my editor and was shocked when I saw what he had written me. He said that the people at Sundance Productions contacted him and wanted to meet with me to discuss a project. I told him that I could be free on Wednesday anytime and so we settled on 5:30. My gut instinct told me that this meeting was all too good to be true and that things like this don’t happen to people like me. I assumed that they wanted to meet with me to clean their bathrooms or something along those lines.

By the time Wednesday presented itself and I was walking to their offices on Ninth Avenue, I realized that I was so frazzled that I failed to bring any of my writings, a pen, a piece of paper and all I had on me was my gym clothes. It was too late to rush back to my apartment and so I just sucked it up and went to the 10^th floor of the office.

I walked in the tiny office and suddenly became nervous because I noticed inside their glass conference room was all my work. They had printed my Yahoo! articles and several of entries from the blog. My work was clipped on a corkboard with specific sentences highlighted and marked up, unfortunately I couldn’t see what was written and I feared that they were bringing me to give me their opinions on how bad of a writer I am.

Once I told the receptionist who I was waiting for, a man appeared from behind a cubicle and as he was walking toward me to give me a hand shake, he said, “Wow. I didn’t expect you to look like this.” I wasn’t sure what he meant by his comment and he could tell by my face that I was confused and he quickly corrected himself by saying, “I just didn’t think you were going to be this handsome and with such a great smile.” I have been told worse things about myself so I was relieved by his words. He motioned me to come into the conference room and as we were walking in the room, I was able to catch a glimpse of what was written on the corkboard and it was all positive.

As we sat down, I was still a ball of nerves and there was an attractive older woman sitting at the table. She introduced herself and handed me a pamphlet, a pen and a bottle of water. Turns out that she is an up and coming actress and that she wants to write a book about dating and so for the next two hours we discussed my thoughts, ideas and all my views on dating. She loved everything and kept saying that she has the ideas but just doesn’t know how to write. That is where I was to come in. They want me to write the book but put her face on it. That news didn’t come to me until after two hours of me giving them my puns, my ideas, my funny quips and a rough outline for the book. Once the meeting was done, she confessed that she had other people to meet but that if I wanted the job that I could have it. I told them both that I would need to think about it. There really was nothing to think about, I knew what my choice already was. If I was going to write this book for a pretty face than all this hard work that I would be doing would have my face…pretty or not. I sent them the decline to their offer this morning.

So far my week about making choices was going smoothly and I felt proud of every single choice I made regarding both my past and my future. When Thursday rolled around, I was feeling pretty confident and decided to meet some girlfriends of mine that I haven’t seen in an actual social setting in over seven years. They are friends of another ex of mine. An ex that I made the choice to leave and start a brand life for myself and an ex that I know is no good for me. But since they were his friends to begin with, he got them in the separation.

We all decided to meet at the wine bar, Medi, over in Hell’s Kitchen. It was really nice to hear how these wonderful women have progressed over the years and what they are doing with their lives now. After two bottles of wine, it was time to address my ex. They informed me that he isn’t doing so well with his life and that his problems have overtaken his relationships even with them. They hardly see him or even hear from him. It was the same problems he had when we were together and after hearing that, it broke my heart that nothing has really changed for him. I wanted nothing but the best for him and still do, I loved him and while I know for a fact that I made the right choice to leave him; nothing can ever make you feel good about hearing that someone from your past doesn’t seem to have that bright of a future.

The next day, I woke up not having fully shaken the news of my ex and his issues but I knew there was nothing I could do to help him even if I did reach out to him. I decided to let it go, pack my bags and get ready to head over to Feathers country house for the weekend. As per the norm, the weekend consisted of laughter, talking and too much red wine.

On our ride back to the city yesterday, I received an email from another old flame and there was no subject but in the body of the email all it said was, “I just want you to know that I hope you find true love and all that you are looking for.” I hadn’t heard from this person in years and it caught me totally off guard, I didn’t even tell Feathers about it as he drove. I responded with thanking him for his kind words and wished him well. It was also nice knowing that even your exes are rooting for you. Just goes to show you that even the tough choices we have to make in life can actually reward you with something positive in the end.

Yesterday afternoon I had a coffee date with a new guy. I didn’t know much about him other than he was a management consultant and I wasn’t too keen on his name (I’m a name person). We agreed to meet at 5:30 at the coffee shop, La Bergamote, in Chelsea. As I walking to the place, I received a text message from him saying he was outside waiting for me. I wasn’t sure what to expect but I made the choice to meet this person and so I needed to suck it up whether it was going to be a good date or a bad one. When I got closer I could see my date standing outside, and he was dressed…well…how do I put this…European. The jeans had a lot of details on them, the cologne was thick and the shirt was extremely tight on him. Aside from the fashion the major thing that I noticed on this man was the work that was done on his hair. His hair transplant looked as if he had done it himself with a needle and thread. The other reason why this man looked European was that he was Russian. Not that I have anything against Russians but this man was one angry Russian.

He shook my hand and in his thick accent told me to sit in the corner. I felt like I was in the military and my drill sergeant was telling me to drop and give him twenty push-ups. I knew right off the bat that this was a date that was going to end as soon as I finished my iced coffee. He, on the other hand, decided he wanted to order many beverages. He ordered a latte, mineral water and a mimosa. I did my best to not look at his hair and just listened to all he had to say (which I barely understood).

As I mentioned, he is an angry man and went into great detail about his love of dogs. He told me that while it may seem harsh but that he feels it is easier to pull the plug on a human being than a dog. I didn’t even respond to him but just gave a nod. I thought by me not feeding into the story that he would change the subject but he went into detail about how he adopted this dog that’s eye was falling out of its socket and that he is responsible for bringing it back to life. In short…he thinks he might be a dog whisperer. I had already finished my iced coffee a long time ago and didn’t know how to get the hell out of this date because he was working three drinks simultaneously.  It was getting to the point where I wanted to help him drink the beverages faster so I could go home. Everything I said, he was against and had a big opinion on and so I accepted my defeat and agreed with everything he said and when I excused myself to use the bathroom, all I could do was wish that he was paying the bill and that I could run away. Thankfully, he did pay the bill and I wasn’t exactly set free for he wanted to walk a little bit to 23^rd Street which is where I told him I needed to catch the subway home. He tried to lean in for a hug and kiss and I blocked him quickly with a handshake. This was a choice I made that didn’t need any over analyzing; this was hands down a terrible date.

Choices. We live in a country where we have so many options…Small, Medium, Large. First Class, Economy, Coach. We should never take for granted that we have the right to make whatever choices we want in our lives. The most important thing to think about when making a choice is not only how it will affect you but how will impact the others around you. Even the choices we make by accident are just as impactful as the ones we make from our own free will.

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Cinderella, Carrie Bradshaw and Wonder Woman all had one thing in common and that is killer footwear. And coincidentally these ladies were also some of my idols growing up. So, I guess it is no shock to me or anyone else that there is a correlation in my thinking process about shoes and relationships. Cinderella lost her glass slipper and the Prince found her and they lived happily ever after, Carrie accepted Mr. Big’s proposal with the slip of a Manolo Blahnik and Wonder Woman needed to get around in her sexy red boots in order to save the world. We have all had to shop for that perfect shoe, to go with the perfect outfit so is our search for the perfect shoe any different than our search for the perfect “sole”mate?

Last week I found myself doing a lot of reflecting and revisiting. After my two great dates with the guy my girlfriend fixed me up with, it had been reduced to texting and with the search of him asking to see me again which led to nothing. So, by the time Thursday had rolled around, I suddenly found myself meeting someone from earlier this year, Mr. Engineer. He sent a text earlier in the week, which led to an invite for wine on Thursday. We decided to meet at the same spot where we had our last date a few months ago in Chelsea at, Bocca di Bacco. I had arrived just a few minutes prior to him but as my luck would have it; while I was sitting at the bar waiting for Mr. Engineer to arrive, a guy I had gone on a few dates two months ago was there at the bar…Mr. M. We made small talk and Mr. M. asked what I was doing there and I told him I was waiting for a friend. Finally, Mr. Engineer shows up and I do the proper introductions and as soon as Mr. M. leaves, it was only natural for Mr. Engineer to ask how I know that guy. I was honest and to my relief, it didn’t seem to faze him too much.

We order a few glasses of wine and began to update each other. Of course the topic of our relationship comes up and I avoid it because I was under the impression this was just a friendly drink or at least trying to build a friendship rather than romance. When the bill comes, we noticed that none of my drinks that I was ordering was on the bill, just Mr. Engineer’s drinks. We ask the bartender if he had made a mistake and his response was, “No. His drinks are on me because he has a great smile.” That was certainly sweet considering I probably had three glasses of wine. After we or shall I say, after Mr. Engineer settled his bill; he suggested we go to another bar. I figured since we are in Chelsea we would stay local but he wanted to go to this bar I had never even been to before, Uncle Charlie’s. We grab a cab and head over. He tells me he is nervous about going to this bar because this is where he met his ex and that he fears he might be there. I told him right away that I am not going to some bar to witness any drama. He assured me that he was fine with it and so we went. Once inside, the bartenders recognized Mr. Engineer right away and asked where he had been for so long. I thought he was going to give a vague answer but he just let it out that he was nervous about running into his ex, he began asking the bartender if the ex still came into the establishment, etc. I needed a drink fast because I didn’t know if this date was going to turn into a therapy session or not. Once the drinks had arrived I did my best to defuse the ex boyfriend talk. Instead, we paid attention to the karaoke singers and continued to drink. As the night went on and the bar began to fill up, some people he remembered from the past started talking to us, asking us what we are and he would say things like, “Well, we tried to date but this guy dropped me.” It was apparent that this night needed to end soon because his issues were deep and I wasn’t about to become a therapist at 11:30 at night. I told him that I needed to go and he agreed but wanted a kiss before we called it a night. We kissed and when he pulled away, I didn’t feel anything. I told myself on the way home in the cab that I was trying to figure out if there was anything there to build on and it was like trying to fit your foot in a smaller size shoe. It leaves you feeling uncomfortable and in pain and who the hell wants that.

Waking up on Friday, only feeling slightly sluggish from all the wine and the Mr. Engineer fiasco; I pushed through the day knowing that the weekend had a lot of fun things in store. That night a few friends of mine were going to see fashion designer, Isaac Mizrahi’s one man show on 42^nd Street. To all of our surprise, we actually had a fun time and enjoyed the entertainment. Afterwards, we decided to do a lot of bar hopping. We first hit up, Ninth Avenue Saloon, and as my luck would continue, I see the guy I had a few fun dates with from that singles event I attended a few Sunday’s ago. He was on a date and from what I could see, it was a rather good date that he was on. He was looking at the guy the way you want your date to look at you. The look of attentiveness with just a hint of lust and when he recognized that I was in the bar as well, he smiled and I smiled back. It was a smile of telling him that while we never made it to date number three; I am glad you are on a great date. We finished our beers and quickly made our exit to the next three bars for the night.

Saturday and the city was alive by 11 a.m. The sun was out and it had finally passed fifty degrees with sunshine. I was meeting several friends of mine for our first picnic in Central Park and I couldn’t be happier. It was the perfect way to start the new season and the weekend for that matter. Our friend’s ninth month old son pretty much stole the show and I held him 90% of the time. We ate, drank and let the sunshine hit our skin and it felt amazing. After the picnic and all of us going our separate ways; I decided to try and take a quick cat nap before getting ready for the night out on the town. Went to pick up my friends in Chelsea and we decided to get some food at Maryann’s before doing our best to paint the town red. We picked the location of the West Village and started out at Ty’s bar (bust) and then walked down to Rockbar (another bust) and finally we accepted our defeat and grabbed a cab taking us to Barracuda. This night was quickly becoming one of those nights where nothing epic was going to happen. Just as I was ready to call it a night, my ex-roommate walks in the door and suddenly my spirits were lifted. A shot of tequila, a beer and suddenly we were all laughing and talking up a storm. It was getting late and we all decided to say our goodbyes. As I jumped in the cab and told the driver where to go, it occurred to me that while nothing monumental might have happened that night, the people I was surrounded myself with, fit like the perfect shoe.

Yesterday was another glorious day weather wise and spring was finally starting to present itself here in Manhattan. I even forced myself to not just sit and read the paper but get out and have a long run in the park before having to get ready for an event that my editor asked me to attend. It was the same singles event I attended last month. I was dreading on going because I didn’t want to lose the day but I had no real excuse not to go other than telling my editor this would be my last one because I didn’t want to give up my Sunday’s now that the weather was shifting.

I get to the event and it wasn’t that busy and probably because no one else wanted to give up the nice weather as well. I decided to make the most of it and ordered a cocktail. The host of the event thanked me for coming and said that already a lot of men were asking him what my situation was. It was the same as last time where I was meeting a ton of men but none that actually made me want to go on a date with. I smiled, I was polite, I accepted their business cards, phone numbers on napkins but I felt guilty in accepting them knowing that I wasn’t going to do anything with them. I went to the bar for another drink when I felt someone from behind me say, “Hey Alex. Nice seeing you here. You look great.” I turn around and barely recognize the man but it was the guy that I met that on our first and only date where he wanted to marry me and diaper me. I did everything I could to control my facial reaction because in my head I just thought, “Come on. You have got to be kidding me.” He went onto to say, “While we didn’t work out. You are a catch and I already told the host this information.” I told him that it was a very kind thing for him to say and wished him luck at the event. By the time 8 p.m. rolled around, I had hit my limit of smiling and meeting new people. I excused myself and went home.

As we all go through life searching for that perfect shoe, perfect job, perfect apartment and even the perfect person there will be times when we think something fits but it doesn’t and times when you finally find it and you hold onto it. But there was something that was said to me this past week by an artist and it’s how we should view life sometimes and it goes…

“Once the shoe fits, we forget about the foot.”

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Pat Benatar sang that famous song of hers, Love Is a Battlefield, but as we get older and our problems become bigger than just heartaches or waiting for the phone to ring, that it isn’t just love that is a battlefield it is life in general that is this great big battlefield. We are all soldiers out to war, going out in combat and fighting against our own demons, our own personal challenges and doing our best to avoid at all costs those deadly land mines. In city a like New York, where we are all compressed on this tiny island, the chances of hitting land mines are even greater. You have to be careful and be on the lookout at all times or else it could destroy you.

Last week, as I started off my own war, I started off rather sluggish but it was all worth it. It was Monday; I had gotten home late the night before from having an amazing first date with the guy that my girlfriend set me up with. I was determined to have a good week and from the plans I had lined up there really was nothing that could cause my week to end in tragedy.

The spring season here in New York is taking a bit longer to get started this year so when it reached a descent temperature on Wednesday, the energy in the city felt amazing. That evening I was meeting a great girlfriend of mine for our monthly get together where we talk about anything and everyone. I decided to actually walk from my apartment to the Lower East Side where I was meeting her. A funny thing about New York and the amount of walking that one does by living here is that while we are constantly doing our best to avoid the negative land mines, you are constantly surprised by when you actually run into a positive one. On my walk, I managed to run into not one, not two but three friends of mine in different areas of the city and it just made me so grateful to be able to have those kinds of moments here. Unfortunately, with the positive comes the negative and I did actually see (thankfully he didn’t see me) the ex-husband of my friend whom I was on my way to see. I hadn’t seen this man in like eight years and that was a land mine that I certainly did my best to avoid, so I crossed the street as quickly as possible. When I finally got to the restaurant, my girlfriend and I chatted over cheap Mexican food and went back to her place for wine and we talked for hours until I realized it was past 11 and needed to get back to my place. It was nice to catch up and it just made me wish there was more time in the day to be able to see everyone all the time.

Throughout the week, the guy I had the date with was sending friendly text messages. They were in frequent but enough to keep each other’s interest perked. By the time Friday rolled around, I was both giddy and nervous. I saw his number come up on my phone and was certain that he was going to be canceling our date or telling me something had come up. Instead, my negative thoughts were trumped when he said that he was looking forward to seeing me tonight and couldn’t wait. Could I actually be on the brink of experiencing an amazing second date with someone? I wasn’t sure what to expect but suddenly I got ready faster than I normally do and when I got off the subway, there was a message from him saying he is already at the restaurant early, which he also confessed was odd for him.

Since we did Italian (which is his nationality) on our first date, I decided that we would do Mexican (my nationality) for our second. I chose the very tasty and fun restaurant, La Palapa, in the East Village. When it comes to a second date, you never know how to greet the person. Do you kiss on the lips? Do you give a hug? In my case, I was hoping for the kiss and that is exactly what I got. Our table was ready for us and we were seated in the corner from all of the noise, which was perfect. We ordered our first of two pitchers or margaritas and as we updated each other on our weeks, we began talking about family. I wanted to know more about his and he confessed that he normally does not talk about his family, especially on a second date but I told him that he could share as little or as much as he wanted and by our fourth glass, the flood gates or shall I say, the margarita gates were open. I sat there listening and hanging onto every word. By the end of the meal, I didn’t want it to end and I was hoping he was going to say something along the lines of, “Where to next?” Or “What else shall we do?” And I, again, got what I wished for. We decided to go to the bar, Phoenix for a few beers. And yes, I was certainly feeling the drinks and as I swayed through the streets with him laughing at me I was having such an amazing Friday night. We got to the bar, had our beers and then he suggested we go back to his place to watch a movie. We never even turned the TV on. Instead, we cuddled on his bed, talked a little bit more and he said he wanted me to stay the night. Which I did and usually I don’t stay the night, especially on a second date but after all our talking, it felt more like a third date. When he cuddled me, it didn’t feel odd or uncomfortable but rather familiar; like we had done this before.

When his cell phone alarm went off the next morning, we snoozed for a little bit more but he had to go to Long Island to meet his friend for he was taking her and her son to see the circus in Brooklyn. Meanwhile, I had so much going on as well that as we walked in the brisk morning to get him a coffee, it dawned on me that I hadn’t done this with a guy in so long. We took the subway together and there he asked what my week ahead looked like and when we got to his stop on 34^th Street, he gave me a kiss and said he had a wonderful time. Was this war that I have been having with myself over the many bad dates finally coming to an end? I wasn’t sure, it was only the second date after all but I was happy with the outcome. From what I could tell, there were no land mines to avoid with him.

I got home and immediately did the laundry, the gym and then I shopped. Everyone knows how good it feels when you have an amazing shopping day. Where everything is not only in your size but it is on sale. The sun was out, the city was electric, and you could see that everyone was doing their best to walk on the side of the street where the sun was shining. From waking up next to this guy that morning to my shopping experience in the afternoon, this day and even the weekend was quickly becoming one of the best weekends I had in some time.

Met a friend of mine to do some window shopping later that day and there we went to Gym bar for a few drinks before, going to another bar, Moran’s and finally getting the crew all together to attend a house party in Chelsea. The house party was one that was being hosted by a friend of ours and when we arrived it was already in full gear. Luckily, we were also pretty buzzed just like the rest of the guests. As the night went on, I had the urge to text the guy. So I did. He responded a few times and finally I decided to let him get some rest and wished him a good night. Our next adventure was to head from Chelsea to the East Village, for I needed to see my ex-roommate who was in town and at the bar, Boiler Room. I grabbed a few friends of mine, we jumped in a cab and off we went. It was really nice seeing him but of course, time was moving rather quickly but we got some brief quality time in during our cab ride home. As I was passing out that night, I thought about how much I actually crammed into one day and it was nice because there was not one negative experience about the entire day.

Yesterday was Easter, waking up not hung over but rather exhausted. And thankfully, our brunch wasn’t until later in the afternoon for I needed coffee in a major way. I eased into the morning and even sent a text message to the guy wishing him a Happy Easter…no response back. A few hours later, I sent another text just seeing if he still wanted to meet up on Wednesday since he had mentioned it…no response. I decided to put the phone away for the rest of the day and focus on my friends and the amazing brunch we were about to experience at, Beauty and Essex. The brunch was extremely fun because we all shared stories from the night before, compared notes and the sparkling wine continued to flow. It was the perfect bookend to a lovely weekend. As we all said goodbye and I caught a cab ride with friends back to 23^rd and 8^th Avenue, I decided to walk off the brunch back to my apartment. As my friends walked away, I pulled out my phone and there was still no message from the guy. There was no way in hell that I was going to message him again and follow up. In this day and age, everyone gets their messages. There is a good and a bad thing to these little devices. Back in the day, when all you had was a red light that was blinking with a message on your answering machine that was all that you needed to make you feel special. Now, there is no mystery to it. Everyone is attached to their phones and we no longer need to wonder if the person ever received your message or not because they did. So, while it wasn’t exactly what I was expecting from him, I am still hopeful that I will hear from him whether it is in good or bad way.

Life is a battlefield and it can be dangerous, frightening and lethal. Every single day when we leave our homes and set foot out into the world, the war begins again. What armor are we using to protect ourselves? How will we avoid those land mines and when exactly will the war end? I guess the answer to all these questions is rather easy…the war never ends until we die. What matters is how we go out and fight our own wars. Just because we find someone to settle down with that doesn’t mean our war with love ends, it means that the real relationship work begins. Or when we land our dream job, that doesn’t mean the struggle of career can fade out, it actually means you have to work even harder in order to hold onto it. The most important war is the one we have with ourselves; it is the war that will determine your destiny, your fate and even your future.

So, as a new week begins and we are given the opportunity to fight the war, the big question is to ask yourself…How will you fight in your battlefield?

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There are so many sayings out there in the world all created to make us feel better about our situations. Most of these sayings come from our loved ones as a way for them to help us heal our wounds. Sayings like, “It’s his loss.” Or, “This all happened for a reason.” Of course, I have used these sayings myself to help my friends or family get through their tough times but sometimes you just need to have that pity party in order to make yourself feel better and usually in those pity parties there is only room for one person and that is YOU. You take that time to grieve, reflect and actually get to know yourself a little bit better. Maybe even understand yourself.

Last week was all about understanding. Monday started off with nothing but positive thoughts for me. I had just finished a nice date that Sunday with the guy I met at that event. It was our second date and it ended with a hug and a kiss. I really thought that a third date was on the horizon until that evening after the gym when I looked at my phone and there was an email from him. He thanked me for hanging out and said I was a really great guy and that he hoped I enjoyed our time together (wtf?) and it ended with him telling me he just doesn’t think there is a romantic connection between us. Whenever I receive these types of messages, regardless if they are the truth or not; I always thank them for at least letting me know and not leading me on and so I responded with a simple, “Thank you and good luck on your journey.” I am not going to sugar coat it. I was upset by his email. Not because of HIM per se but because of the entire situation. I just wasn’t sure how many more first dates I have in me. I only told a few friends of the news that night and like the wonderful people that they are; every message I got was, “He’s out there. Keep looking.” And, “You deserve much better than this.” But my favorite was, “Fuck him.” As much as I love my friends for always standing in my corner, the messages just couldn’t get me out of my funk. I knew and understood what I needed to do. I needed that good cry. You know exactly what I am talking about. That cry where afterwards you feel like everything has been lifted and all the stress is completely gone. Well, I couldn’t muster up the tears and so instead I went down to my local bodega and got some ice cream. Right before I went to bed I received a text message from a friend that told me that maybe sometimes why there is no connection with these guys out there is because I am so lucky to have some of the most amazing people as my friends that I am spoiled and that everyone compared to them seems ordinary. That didn’t require any brain power to process because he was absolutely correct.

I thought by the next day that my luck would change after my pity party on Monday but as I was getting ready for work, I decided that I wanted to wear a special necklace of mine and it needed some polishing beforehand. The clumsy person that I am, I forgot to close the drain to my bathroom sink and as I was rinsing my necklace off, the necklace slipped out of my hands and went right down the drain. Isn’t there another saying out there that goes, “Bad luck comes in threes?” Between the email and now my necklace, I was more than prepared for the third installment of the bad luck to come my way. As I sat down at my computer that day, I noticed that my watch was still an hour behind and as I was trying to fix the time; the damn watch broke. I pulled out the piece that actually turns the hands on the watch all the way out and it busted. Ok. That was that. This was not the week for me. I already accepted it and it was only Tuesday. Later on that day, I get a call from a fraud department and as the representative spoke to me in broken English, he informed me that someone opened a credit card under my name and that it was from some address in Brooklyn. Was all of this really happening all in one day? I couldn’t get over it. I asked them what I should do next since it all seemed so suspicious. He told me I need to go to my local police station, have them help me fill out a identity theft form then I have to find a notary public to have them verify that I am who I say I am. Then I am to take those forms and mail it to them. The idea of me entering a police station in New York City is something that would require a camera crew from the Bravo channel to follow me in on because I am sure it would make for excellent TV. The entire thing all seems so crazy and I have yet to go and the idea of me going to a police station is just downright comical.

On Wednesday, which marked the first day of spring, which you would never know these days in New York for it is still quite cold here also found me visiting a couple of friends of mine whom I haven’t seen in awhile. When I got to their apartment, it was nice and casual but what was supposed to be a simple dinner turned into a therapy session for my friend. This is also where we got this week’s title from, because he was explaining some of his issues to me and then he said something that struck me and it was, “It’s me trying to understand me.” As soon as my friend said that out loud, I reverted back to what my friend told me when he was trying to make me feel better about how I am spoiled with the friends that I have.  It got me thinking about how I spend a lot of time helping my friends out, which is something that I love doing but by the time I am done with all of that there doesn’t leave a lot of time with me trying to figure out me. In fact, I hide behind my friends sometimes. Hiding behind them allows me at times to not face the things I need to face. It’s even easier to hide behind their happiness rather than trying to understand my own inner happiness. As we said our goodbyes and he thanked me for letting him get some stuff off his chest, I contacted Feathers right away and asked if I could visit his country house that weekend so that maybe I could take some time to not focus on anyone else but me.

On Thursday, I was looking forward to seeing some of my friends at the re-opening of the Joshua Liner Gallery, in Chelsea. It was also marking a moment where we would be meeting a friend’s boyfriend for the first time, which she also just moved in with. I knew that she was going to be nervous and not because of us but because whenever you introduce a new boyfriend to the circle, all you can think about is, “I hope they like him.” As I was walking to the gallery, I received a message via Facebook from this guy I had met a few years ago, coincidentally at my friends house whose new man we were about to meet. The message was asking me if I would like to get a drink sometime in the future. I responded back with saying that I would love to grab a drink sometime and gave him my number as a better way to communicate.

As we observed the art, I pulled my girlfriend aside to tell her that I really liked her new man and that she got my approval. Also, I needed to tell her about the out of the blue message I got from this guy that was a friend of hers. She immediately got shy and that is when it dawned on me. She was setting me up. I told her to explain herself and she said that he contacted her about something else and then she decided to throw my name in the conversation and really boost me up. Next thing I know, this guy is asking me out. After the gallery, we all set up shop at Feathers’ favorite place to eat, Dallas BBQ. It was at the table that I quickly began to understand a little bit about me. Being surrounded by these amazing people is something that I never take for granted and just being surrounded by all these couples also help put back together some of the faith that was broken earlier in the week.

Friday morning and the texting with the fix up guy had begun. Nothing flirtatious or anything that gave me the impression that he was interested in anything other than meeting up for a drink sometime and to be honest, I wasn’t sure he would even remember what I looked like. We hadn’t seen each other in a couple of years. I told him that I was leaving for the country and he had plans of his own, that included going to the Pink concert on Saturday. The minute I got in the car for the country and we were on the Westside Highway, I was already in a fantastic mood. All I wanted to do was stay in my sweat pants, eat, drink and sleep. All in that order and thankfully that is what they wanted to do as well.

On Saturday, I was surprised to see a text message from the guy asking me if I was enjoying my time out in the country. He told me how excited he was for the concert that night. I told him to take some pictures and told him one of my favorite songs by her. I took that entire day to reprogram my thinking, my belief in myself and to just let this past week go. Here I was, so fortunate enough to be in a beautiful home, surrounded by nature and I have amazing friends to experience it with. As we all were getting ready for bed, I looked at my phone and I didn’t even see his message come through. He remembered the song that I told him was my favorite and he recorded it from the concert that night and sent it to me. Things were definitely shifting.

Yesterday as we were in the car driving back to Manhattan, I got a message from the guy asking me if I had any plans that night. I actually didn’t and so I told him that I was free as a bird. He then asked me out to dinner. We agreed to meet at 7:30 at Lasagna in Chelsea. He was waiting outside for me when I arrived a few minutes late and as we sat down; I actually forgot how handsome he actually is. He took the lead in the conversation and I really appreciated that. He told me, “Let’s make this fun. You pick a drink for me and I will pick a drink for you.” I chose the wrong drink for him but he chose the right one for me…a Brazilian Cosmopolitan. Seeing that he is Italian, when our pasta dishes came, he taught me how to roll the pasta on the spoon like a true Italian and gave me a brief history on his life. Turns out we have a lot in common. For instance, when I told him my cross streets of where I live, he asked for my exact address and when I gave it to him; he informed me that he used to live in the very exact building that I live in now. The topic of children did come up and we both expressed our big desire to have children one day. After the meal, he said he didn’t want the night to end and suggested we go for a nightcap close by. We settled on a bar that I haven’t been to in a long time, G Lounge. When we got there, I was certain that I wasn’t going to run into any friends of mine and that I was in the safe zone. After two more cocktails, that is when it happened…he kissed me. I hadn’t been kissed like this in a long damn time. I felt the kiss in my knee caps. It was electric and when he pulled away he just said, “Wow. You are an excellent kisser.” I didn’t even know what my response was, it was like I had just tried a drug and my body wanted more but we were in public so we both collected ourselves. We noticed a group of drunk lesbians having a good time. So we joined them and he and I even danced a little slow dance right in the middle of the bar. As I excused myself to go to the bathroom I ran into a friend of mine along with three others. So much for being in the safe zone but they were cool enough not to make a scene and let me carry on with my date.

As we decided to call it a night and got onto 19^th Street, he just said asked me, “I don’t want this to end. Would you be interested in coming back to my place to watch some TV and yes…to make out? ONLY make out.” Suddenly it was as if I was in one of those, Choose Your Own Adventure books and it was already late, we both were tipsy and one adventure had me going home to get a proper night rest and the other adventure had me going back to his place to kiss him until my lips fell off. I stopped, looked at him and said, “Let’s get a cab.”

This date was turning into much more than I ever anticipated. I was even wearing a very casual outfit and my underwear weren’t even that cute. We got to his place in Stuyvesant Town and he grabbed us some beers. He was a true Scorpio through and through. He took charge and while we tried to watch some TV show it was hard to concentrate. We made out on his couch like teenagers and when I looked at his DVR box and that the time indicated that it was past almost 1 a.m. I became Cinderella and quickly grabbed my shoes and headed for the door. Before I left I wanted to use the restroom one more time and when I looked in the mirror my entire face was red and it looked like I had a rash. It was his beard that totally agitated my skin. When I came out of the bathroom he laughed and apologized and said that the next time he will shave. Did he just say, “Next time?” He must have noticed my body react and he said, “Yes. I am seeing you again. You are too fun and I want to get to know you more.” So, with my beard burned face, we stood in his hallway and tried to say goodbye. I say “try” because we started making out again and it was intense. I kept throwing my head back and hitting my head on his concrete wall and this morning the back of my head is very tender. We kissed goodbye and he told me to text him when I got home. When I got home I told him that my beard burned face and I got home safely. When I went to bed last night, I finally understood another thing about me and what I was missing: PASSION. Not just on a sexual level but that passion you feel with someone else. A person that wants to want to be with you.

I got up this morning exhausted but in a good way. A few people noticed my beard burned face but nothing that time and moisturizer can’t take care of but it was worth it. I thanked my friend for setting it up and we shall see if this guy and I ever see each other again but this date certainly help me understand what I have been missing for years.

Life gets busy. Life gets complicated. Life gets so out of control at times that we lose ourselves. Taking the time to understand yourself isn’t as easy as you would think but putting some effort into it, you just might understand yourself a little bit better.

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